Battling Fear and Solitude

So early this morning, Sidreis and my 3 boys embarked on the 14 hour trek to her parents' place in middle-of-nowhere Montana.  Next week is Spring Break for our boys and her folks live so far away that it is tough for us to get up there more than once or twice a year.  I am happy for them.  Sidreis deserves the break and some time to be surrounded by her family, but I am terrified.  I used to relish her trips home with the kids.  I always work a ton while they are gone but I still get lots of 'me' time.  In the past that meant plenty of time and opportunity to seek out my addiction and indulge without fear of being caught.  This time I am just terrified of being alone.

Satan has been bombarding me with so many lies and triggers over my family leaving on this trip that I feel like I need to get them out there so they don't own me.

• That she isn't coming back - Right after my last relapse and during our period of separation, Sidreis told me that if it were feasible she would have packed the car and gone to her Mom's for awhile to put space between us and give her time to breathe.  School and work obligations prevented this from ever happening but it was definitely a consideration at one point.  So even though weeks have passed and we are making progress in our relationship, I still have this fear in the pit of my stomach that she isn't coming back.  I know its irrational and she laughed when I shared it with her the other day, but its an idea that I have not been able to shake.
• My name in her phone - This one is probably going to seem downright silly to many of you.  I used to be listed in my wife's phone as 'LoveOfMyLife'.  She even blogged about it awhile back.  But after my relapse and the repeatedly betrayals and lies on my part, she changed my name to just 'Tim' in her contacts.  So what, right?  Its just a bunch of digital letters.  It doesn't mean anything.  Rational me gets this.  I understand her fears and her reasons for doing it.  She was scared and had a hard time being in the same room as me let alone seeing me as the love of her life.  But Satan won't leave it alone.  He is in my head constantly about it.  The latest thought that keeps popping into my head is; "What if there is a car accident and they don't know who to contact because in her contacts you are 'just Tim'?"  Because its not like my name, address and phone number are listed on the car title and registration?!?  It's stupid and I don't want it anymore so I needed to get it out there so it doesn't fester inside me.
• That her parents are going to tell her she is crazy for sticking with me - Let me start out by saying that her parents have been nothing but supportive.  Her Mom is one of the most loving and forgiving people I have ever met in my life.  So this fear is probably the most irrational of all, but it is still there in the dark and lonely places in my mind.  It is easy sometimes to confuse 'rallying around her' with 'rallying against me'.

I don't want these fears anymore.  I want to trust in my Heavenly Father that what happens is what needs to happens, and is supposed to happen.  I am working on trusting Him more and understand that all I can control is my own behavior and work my personal recovery.  I am learning that the best way to do that is to get the fears out into the open so that is what I wanted to do.  Please keep me and my family in your prayers these next few days.  I am not good at being alone so I am going to be conscious to post often and try to get my fears out in the open so that they don't have power over me.  I am going to spend a lot of time relying on family and my support system this week.  I know that with the help my Savior and my friends that things will turn out okay.

If I say it enough times I start to believe it.  :)

~~~ Tim

The Power Of Connection: My 'Z' List

Awhile back, one of the missionaries from my PASG meeting shared an interesting concept.  He said that when he first began recovery, he was firmly convinced that the opposite of addiction was sobriety, or freedom from addition.  Thus his primary goal in overcoming his addiction was to gain sobriety.  He focused on it, fought for it and strove for it.  He then shared his testimony that over time, with study and prayer he slowly came to the realization that the opposite of addiction was not sobriety, but rather...  Connection.  Addiction teaches us to isolate, to hide, to deceive and to live double lives.  Connection on the other hand, at least true, worthwhile connection, asks us to be open, honest and vulnerable.  Willing to give to others and let them inside and see who we really are.

Social worker Brené Brown defines connection as;

"the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship."

I've thought about that a lot since he shared it and tried to wrap my brain around it.  How can connection with others help me overcome addiction?  This of course made me think about support, my support network, how I use them and how I came to have a support network.  So I wanted to share a little about that today.  How my support network helps me connect and gives me sustenance and strength.

My 'Z' List

When I first started attending recovery meetings, I wanted to be in and out as quickly as possible.  I only spoke to the people that spoke to me, typically facilitators and Missionaries.  The minute the closing prayer was over, I was out the door.  I had no interest in really getting to know anyone.  For a long time I never sought a sponsor or anyone to support me outside the meetings.  Then one day I felt very connected to one of the facilitators,  I asked if we could exchange numbers and he pleasantly accepted.  At first I really didn't see the value even then, so I rarely sent a text and never made a phone call.  It was just another number in my phone.  Then one day I had an amazing experience.  I was home alone and in a very bad place.  I was laying on my bed and I was headed down a path into a dark place that would have surely ended in acting out and submitting to my temptations.  Suddenly, right as I was nearing the point of no return, my phone went off.  I picked it up in frustration and to my amazement, it was a text from my friend.  He was thinking of me, wanted to check in on me,  I immediately recognized it as a tender mercy and was able to pull out of the dark place I was in.  From that time forward I have had a regular dialogue with this brother.  That experience helped me to see the value of connecting with others who understood what I was going through.

Now I wish I could say that I immediately sought out other people to love and support me but it didn't quite go that smoothly.  I started writing down numbers in my ARP manual but they were never around when I needed them and outside of that one brother, I still rarely reached out.  Then one day in the hallway after a meeting I overheard someone talking about how they have all their recovery contacts listed in their phone with a 'Z' in front of the name so that when a text or call comes in, even if they don't recognize the number or the name, they know it is from a brother in recovery.  I thought this was an amazing idea and so my 'Z' list was born.  I started slow, adding a number here or there and occasionally sending out a text to someone outside my comfort zone.  I acquired a second regular text buddy only to have him leave on a mission a few months into our friendship.

So went my roller coaster experience with recovery.  I went through weeks, even months at a time that I rarely reached out, never really shared what I was struggling with and regularly lost my sobriety.  Finally after my last relapse I started to understand what was missing.  Honesty, vulnerability, willingness to actually put myself out there and say; "I'm struggling, I'm hurting, can you pray for me, can you think of me".  It was hard.  After years of isolation and fear, how do you shake off those shackles and break free?  Well it doesn't happen over night, but day by day, meeting by meeting, I gathered more numbers.  I would hang out in the room after and talk to people whose testimonies had touched me, interact with my brothers and I slowly started to become friends with people.  I realized that these men already knew.  They had been there with loving arms when I broke down, confessing my relapse and my dishonesty.  They had walked the path I walk and shared the same hopes, dreams and fears.  If anyone was 'safe' it was the men in those rooms.  Suddenly my phone was ringing multiple times throughout the day, my 'support brothers' were becoming real friends that I loved and cared about.  Connections were being formed.

As I saw the strength of these connections it gave me the strength to open up more.  I shared openly with my siblings, my ward and then ultimately in a public manner on this blog.  Being open was scary, it was stressful but just as I found with my brothers in my recovery groups, I have made many new friends here.  I have even been regularly exchanging texts with Warrior.  He is a good man and shares some amazing thoughts with me.

There is so much strength in connection with others.  A lie cannot find a place in my heart to nestle and hide if I have a list of people that know about my struggles that I am comfortable giving up my secrets to.  Darkness cannot reign within me when I am surrounded by so many people willing to share their light!

To me, that is the secret of recovery.  Letting people in.  Letting them love me.  Letting them know me, even the scary parts that I want to hide.  As I find the strength to open those doors, the dark places are filled with light.  Satan wants me alone, he wants me one on one so that his is the only influence that has power over me.  But I do not have to fight him alone.  My Savior is always with me, but right behind him is my army.  My army of family, neighbors, and friends.  They stand behind me, every step of the way because I let them in.

Journal: In Sickness and In Health

It has been an eventful week at our house.  Our youngest came down with a nasty case of the stomach flu on Monday and when your 2 year old is sick it is inevitable that the rest of the family will end up sick.  He threw up most of the night Monday, leading to repeated changing of soiled bedsheets and very little sleep for the rest of the family.  By Wednesday evening it was my turn.  I was up repeatedly throughout the night.  I couldn't keep anything inside me.  I was tired, I was weak, I was famished from inability to process any form of food or drink. 

I got up Thursday morning and attempted to call in to work only to be told there was no one to cover me.  I finally went in only to leave less than 2 hours later because I was unable to complete simple work tasks.  So around 9 AM that morning I found myself home alone, in an extremely weakened state.  My routine was out the window, my prayer and dailies overlooked and forgotten.  I was in a very vulnerable state.  Fortunately I recognized the place I was in and immediately started sending out texts to my support brothers.  The responses flowed back in.  Prayers were offered for me and words of support were given. 

Just after Noon I had to get my toddler from daycare.  I fed him lunch and got him down for a nap and I was exhausted.  I wanted to take a nap but decided that first I needed some spiritual strength so I laid in bed and listened to a Conference talk on my Kindle.  I think I made it through about half of it before I passed out. 

I woke up a couple hours later realizing my oldest son would soon be home.  This would be a great blessing as I would no longer be alone, and he would be able to help with his younger brother.  But right around the time I was waiting for him to walk through the door to provide some relief, I got a text that he needed to stay after school.  Within minutes the 2 year old was pounding on my door announcing that he was awake.  I drug myself out of bed and stumbled downstairs.  Eventually my older boys made it home from school to help out but I was still in a fog weakened by my ongoing inability to keep food down.

This would continue throughout the evening.  My wife arrived home from work only to inform me she was leaving almost immediately to attend a Relief Society function and then going strait from there to her Recovery Group.  I ended up having to get dinner for kids, supervise homework and fight to get them to bed.  It was a long, stressful day in which relief never seemed to come.  As I knelt down that night before bed I had a realization.  I have had great success these past weeks with a routine built around my recovery.  But no matter how great a routine I have, sometimes life takes over.  Recovery can't just be a routine.  I can plan out my days with meticulous detail but sometimes sickness, stress and unforseen events can and will get in the way. 

I am so grateful for my support brothers who were there for me throughout the day.  My sponsor texted me every couple hours, sometimes just telling me what he was doing at work or sending jokes and quotes.  It was minor but vital.  It kept the pathways of communication open and helped me to know that he was there.  That I was not alone.  With each passing day I am slowly learning that the key to true success in my recovery isn't planning, routines or meticulous dailies.  It is avoiding isolation.  When you are sick, isolation comes easy.  Laying in bed and locking the door seems normal and justified.  But reaching out to others, sharing my burdens, letting them love me, pray for me and care for me.  That is where true strength is found. 

~~~ Tim

How Do I Know If It's Real?

So yesterday marked 6 weeks of sobriety and clean living.  It was a good day and a nice milestone, but ultimately it was just another day.  I have had 6 weeks of sobriety before to varying degrees.  A couple years back I even managed to go over a year without acting out.  So the question I find myself asking, "How do I know if its real?"  Is it really different this time?  Have I turned a corner or am I just swimming my way back around my cycle?

I decided to make a list of some things I am doing differently this time that I think are making a difference to help give me perspective.  This is mostly for me, as a reminder down the road of things that worked for me, but perhaps some of these will work for others as well.

• I now pray every morning - I have never been good at morning prayer.  I get up between 4 and 5 every day but Sunday and its hard.  Dropping to my knees to pray is often the last thing on my mind.  
• I do my best to avoid "touching gray".  Click the link to see a great post my wife wrote on this subject.  For much of my life I had convinced myself that I could watch the borderline TV shows, movies and media content as long as I "looked away" or fast forwarded when the inappropriate content reared it's head.  We used to enjoy watching The Walking Dead but we stopped recently because the violent content drained the Spirit.  I was also a big fan of How I Met Your Mother and It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.  I no longer watch either.  I'm not saying this is for everyone but they aren't for me.  At least not right now. 
• I put a filter on my phone.  This one seems obvious, but I fought it for years.  We have a WiFi filter that works to some extent but it isn't foolproof and I had always avoided having a filter on my phone because it was an inconvenience.  I hated that the filter made everything slower, made searching harder and generally was a nuisance. 
• I reach out SOOOOO much more.  I text multiple people every day.  I not only seek support when struggling but I do my best to offer support to others.  Heaven knows I don't have all the answers but I offer what I can and pray that it helps.
• I now only listen almost exclusively to Christian Radio and I actually enjoy it.  It's still a little bit weird, even to me.  But the inspirational messages and songs that repeatedly testify of The Savior have boosted me more times than I can tell you.

All of these have been great experiences and definitely help me, but I had a realization the other night.  While attending our monthly ARP fireside, one of the speakers said something that really resonated with me.  He said that the person with the most sobriety in the room was the person who got up earliest that day because the 12 Steps only work, one day at a time.   So the reality is, I don't know if it's different this time.  I don't know if 6 weeks of sobriety really means anything.  All I know is that things are different today.  That could all change tomorrow or the day after that but all I can control is today.  As I re-read my list I realized that the reason these things are working is because I have been doing my best to do them every single day.  So I am going to try harder to not focus on "this time" or "last time".  All that really matters is today.  Today I have done my best to feel the Spirit and be worthy of its presence.  Tomorrow I will wake up and hit my knees and try it all over again.  Because one day at a time, things can be different.

~~~ Tim

The Parable Of A Cracked Pot

So this weekend is our Ward Conference.  Tonight was the Saturday Night adult session.  There were some amazing messages shared and it is always nice to actually focus on the speakers without having to worry about refereeing fights between kids or picking up crackers off the floor.  Many of the messages spoke to me but one in particular really struck me.  The speaker shared a parable about imperfections and coming to accept ourselves despite our flaws.

The Parable of A Cracked Pot
Author Unknown

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck.  One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his master's house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made.

But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."

"Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?" "I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master's house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts," the pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it up a bit.

But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again it apologized to the bearer for its failure.  The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?

That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I put it to good use. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day  while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them.  For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table.

Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house." 

The moral of the story:

Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. In this world, nothing goes to waste. You may think like the cracked pot that you are inefficient or useless in certain areas of your life, but somehow these flaws can turn out to be a blessing in disguise.  Remember, nobody is perfect.

Whether addiction, co-dependency, depression or just the hurdles of everyday life, I think we have all felt like that cracked pot at times.  So focused on what is wrong with us that we were oblivious to the good that might be occurring.  My entire life I have always focused on the cracks.  They were what defined me, what shamed me, what made me inadequate.  But much like the water bearer and his humble pot, my Savior has a plan for me.  He knows that with his help and guidance that those cracks can become strengths and create beauty and hope along my path.  Through his help I can grace my Father's house once again. 

~~~ Tim

Today Is A Good Day

Image Credit

I had been stuck in a rut for a couple days.  I was letting the stress and uncertainty of life get on top of me.  I could tell it was a problem.  I recognized it, I just wasn't ready or willing to do anything about it.  Last night I went to my regular PASG meeting and it was wonderful.  Meetings bring so much hope and joy.  To be able to sit in a room with men who understand me, who have walked the path I walk, who are walking it right along side me.  It brings so much strength.  After the meeting Sidreis and I decided to sneak away to get some ice cream before going home.  It was a few moments together to just talk and enjoy life.  Suddenly I realized that I have so much to be grateful for in my life regardless of the trials that I encounter.

So I woke up today and made a conscious decision to have a good day. My outlook was different, my attitude was bright and today has been fabulous.  While reflecting on my circumstances I was reminded of a talk given by President Monson called "Finding Joy In The Journey".  As he always does, President Monson gives council through a wonderful assortment of personal experiences, testimony and examples from classic literature.  One particular quote stuck out to me as I pondered my current situation; 

Stresses in our lives come regardless of our circumstances. We must deal with them the best we can. But we should not let them get in the way of what is most important—and what is most important almost always involves the people around us. Often we assume that they must know how much we love them. But we should never assume; we should let them know. Wrote William Shakespeare, “They do not love that do not show their love.” ³ We will never regret the kind words spoken or the affection shown. Rather, our regrets will come if such things are omitted from our relationships with those who mean the most to us.

 It is so easy to forgot how blessed that I am.  How many truly amazing people are in my life.  I am married to an inspiring and incredible woman and together we are blessed with 3 beautiful boys.  I have parents and siblings that love me no matter how many times I fall.  I have a Bishop who has always been there for me.  I have in-laws who love and support me.  Most of all I have a loving Heavenly Father and a Savior who desperately want me to overcome my hurdles and be happy.  My life truly is wonderful when I stop and remember all that I have been blessed with.

Today is a good day, my friends!  Let's embrace it with both arms and not let go!

~~~ Tim

Having Faith In The Lord When Life Gets In The Way.

So recently our family has been under some significant financial stress.  Unfortunately much of this was due to some poor decisions I made while in the depths of my last relapse and not trusting the Lord.  It has been hard but thus far by paying tithing, fast offerings and tightening our budget, things have worked out okay.  One of the factors that kept us motivated was knowing that we would be receiving a substantial Federal tax refund to replenish our savings and give us a measure of relief.

Well we found out today that much or possibly all of our refund will be held to cover an outstanding debt and the relief that had been on the horizon for the past month had suddenly been ripped out from under us.  Not only did this mean no financial flexibility but it also means that a trip planned over spring break for my wife and kids will probably not happen now.  It was a crushing blow and one that left me pleading with the Lord this morning to make it go away.  I found myself firmly stuck in "why me" mode.  "I've tried so hard these past few weeks, can't you just take this burden from me".  I got to the point this afternoon where I could barely function.  My body was so tense I had to take a double dose of ibuprofen and a hot bath just to relax.  Well, while I was in the bath I decided to listen to Elder Bednar's talk, "That We Might Not.... Shrink", from the recent CES Fireside.  If you haven't watched it or listened to it then I would strongly recommend that you do.  He is far more eloquent and guided by the Spirit than I could ever be, but the lessons to be learned are powerful. 

In the talk he describes the experience he had with a young couple where the young husband was diagnosed with serious bone cancer just 3 weeks after being sealed to his wife.  Over the course of his treatment and care, he had the opportunity to ask Elder Bednar for a Priesthood blessing.  Before giving the blessing Elder Bednar felt prompted to ask the couple a few questions about their situation.  One of the questions was, and I'm paraphrasing, "I know you have the faith to be healed, but do you have the faith to NOT be healed if that is the Lord's will?"  He described how taken aback the young couple was by his question but how after some discussion the young man replied that while he didn't fully understand he trusted the Lord and that if it was his time to move on he could accept that.

He went on to explain that the man was healed at least for a time but that the cancer would return again later but through it all they learned to trust the Lord and learned the power of faith.  He then shared a quote from Elder Maxwell given during the 1997 October General Conference called; "Apply The Atoning Blood of Christ".  The section quoted by Elder Bednar was;

“As we confront our own trials and tribulations, we too can plead with the Father, just as Jesus did, that we might not shrink — meaning to retreat or to recoil. Not shrinking is much more important than surviving. Moreover, partaking of a bitter cup without becoming bitter is likewise part of the emulation of Jesus.”

That really struck me as I listened.  There is a huge difference between surviving a trial and actually accepting and learning from it.  It can make such a difference between letting trials beat us down, building our stress and in the case of an addict, leading us to act out and turn to the addiction as a way to numb and make it go away.  I realized that most of my life this had been the way that I endured trials.  By numbing through the addiction and making it go away, for a little while at least.  

In closing he finished with a gentle but powerful reminder that overseeing it all is the One who truly understands the stress, the pain and the fear that trials bring.  The One man that can bring comfort and peace during difficult times, My Savior, Jesus Christ.  Elder Bednar testified; 

"I know that the Lord who was bruised, broken and torn for us can succor and strengthen his people according to their infirmities... And I know one of the greatest blessings of mortality is to not shrink and to allow our individual will to be swallowed up in the will of the Father.”

I don't know why this financial trial occurred at this point in time when my family is already going through so much, I don't understand it and I am afraid of it.  I am afraid that it could derail the progress and healing that has occurred, I know that in the past when faced with such hurdles that it often led me down roads of secrecy and shame.  But through it all I know that it is for my good.  I know that my Heavenly Father could take it from me if he felt that was the best solution.  I know he has that power.  I have faith that this mountain CAN be moved from off my shoulders.  But I also trust that if he thinks the best path is for me to endure and learn from this experience that things will work out for the best.

I CAN choose to trust Him and move forward in faith.

I CAN choose to turn to my Savior instead of my addiction.

I CAN continue to face Heaven and keep working my recovery program.

I CAN heave peace and hope even during difficult times.

I know my Heavenly Father and my Savior will not lead me astray.

~~~ Tim

My 60 Days of Recovery Boot Camp

After my last relapse I was a complete mess.  After a few days of feeling sorry for myself and trying to remember how to live my day to day life, I realized that what I was doing wasn't working.  I have had access to recovery for over 3 years, but I wasn't embracing it.  Recovery isn't a "dip your toe in the water" type concept.  It is a jump off the cliff and fly type moment.  Some of us figure it out right away, some of us have to fall down A LOT.  I am solidly a member of the second group.

So after I came to this realization I decided to look at what more I could do.  If what I was doing wasn't enough, what did I need to change to make it work better this go round?  So I came up with a 60 day recovery boot camp of sorts.  I did this prayerfully over a couple days and this is what I came up with.  I can't promise you that this will work for you, but I recently reached the halfway point of my 60 days and I have seen great progress so far.

My 60 Day Commitment

• I will attend at least 2 ARP meetings or firesides every week.
• I will reach out via text or phone call to at least 3 people who know about my addiction every day.(This one got WAY easier as I opened up about my struggles)
• I will meet with my Bishop a minimum of once a week.
• I will be completely honest with my Bishop, my wife and my recovery group about my sobriety date and any slips or struggles if they should occur.
• I will not engage in sexual intimacy of any kind with myself, or with my wife so that my brain can begin to detox.
• I will plan out the following day every evening before bed so that I have a plan for down time and inactive time.
• I will block all phone numbers that could be potential triggers or lead to a slip.
• I will do short refreshes of steps 1-3 and then prayerfully and thoroughly complete steps 4 and 5 so that I can move forward in the steps.
• I will complete all my Home Teaching and Church calling responsibilities.
• I will look for opportunities to get outside myself and serve others.  Whether it be helping more around the house, Church service etc.
• I will pray at least twice daily on my knees.
• My dailies will consist of at least 2 of the following every day.  (Read scriptures, read a recovery book or resource, read a conference talk, work in the 12 Step Manual)
• I will continue to use my blog as an online journal where I can be honest about where I am in a public manner.

 

So far this has been extremely successful for me.  I haven't been perfect.  There are small things I have forgotten from time to time, but for the most part I have followed through as outlined on the list.  The difference in my life has been noticeable especially in regards to my personal study.  In the past 30 days I have read all of He Restoreth My Soul, by Dr. Donald Hilton.  I am now reading in Believing Christ by Stephen R. Robinson.  I have read all of Matthew and most of Mark in the New Testament.  In addition we have been reading the Book of Mormon as a family.  So most days I have some form of study 3-4 different times throughout the day.

In addition to the items listed on the list I have also been listening exclusively to uplifting music and Christian Rock whenever I am in my car for travel or work.  I have tried to make my environment uplifting no matter where I am.  

Now I realize this is just a starting point and that even if I am successful for 60 days, I still have a long, long ways to go.  But a 60 day plan seemed long enough to be habit forming yet short enough to be attainable.  As with most aspects of recovery it ultimately comes down to one day at a time.  Thinking in terms of 60 days is can seem daunting at times, but one day at a time it has been doable and wonderful.

~~~ Tim  

Dear Bishop

My wife started a feature on her blog awhile back called 'Dear Bishop' where addicts write letters to their Bishops and share some of their journey and their experiences.  I have really enjoyed reading through these letters and hearing of the hope that can come from turning to a servant of the Lord.  I have decided to write my own letter to the first Bishop that I was ever completely honest to about my addiction.

Dear Bishop,

To this day I still do not know why you wrote that letter that I received so unexpectedly.  I wasn't even living in your ward boundaries at the time, although my records were still there.  I suspect that you were probably following a prompting from my Heavenly Father who knew intimately how much I needed an advocate.  Whatever the reasons that led you to send it, I want you to know how much it meant to me.  I had been in the darkest period of my life for around four years at the point in time.  I had been completely inactive from the Church and completely shutoff from my Heavenly Father.  I had given myself over completely to my addiction and many other poor choices.  It was during this period of my life that my addiction to pornography and things of a sexual nature exploded from a once in awhile struggle to a daily fight that consumed and controlled me.

I understand now that the timing was not accidental.  I had recently met the beautiful daughter of God who would eventually become my wife and the mother of my children.  Things were progressing and I knew that the time was at hand to make big decisions and hard changes in my life.  I was absolutely terrified at the idea of repentance and had no idea where or how to start.  When I arrived at my parents house that day and my Dad told me that I had received a note from you in the mail I was shocked.  Why were you expending energy on me?  I was so broken, so beyond help.  I was in a downhill spiral like grime and dust circling a rusted out drain.  I opened the card and your words were simple.  That you had been thinking of me, that your door was always open and that you just wanted me to be happy.  That was over 15 years ago and yet I still remember it vividly.  For the first time in many years I had a small glimmer of hope.

A short time later I found myself sitting in your office.  For the first time in my life I was open, I shared my struggles, my fears, my shameful experiences and mistakes.  It was hard, but I will never forget the feeling when I walked out of that room and left so much of that burden at your door.  I felt lighter, happier and like there was finally a small possibility that things would be okay again.

I wish I could tell you that everything was okay.  That after our meeting I made all the needed life changes and my life has been a fairy tale ever since, but life isn't a fairy tale.  Since our meeting I have since continued this painful process with 3 additional Bishops.  I have been through disciplinary councils and was disfellowshipped at one point.  It wasn't always bad though, there were good times as well.  I was able to return to the temple and be sealed to my beautiful wife and my children.  I had periods of time when things were good and I could feel the love of my Savior in my life.  But I am still an addict and I had never really been able to admit that.  I had not found the way out of that hole just yet.  

About three years ago I was introduced to the 12 Step Addiction Recovery program.  For the first time in my life I was able to admit that I was an addict, but even though I now had access to the tools that could help me finally step out of the darkness that enveloped me, I was afraid.  I dipped a toe into the water.  I would even at times wade into the shallow end of the pool, but I was too scared.  I didn't have enough faith to jump in with both feet and trust that the Lord would catch me, that hope was available to me.  

In the past 5 weeks much has changed in my life.  I had fallen once again and resorted to the lies that always came so easy to me.  I fell and I fell hard.  For a time, I thought that I was going to lose everything.  So once again I found myself in the office of my Bishop.  For the first time I was willing to do whatever it took to have my Savior with me always.  Since then things have been slowly improving.  I still have such a long way to go but I have faith.  I have hope.  I have finally started to really get to know my Savior, and how much he is willing to help me, to love me, to fight for me.  I know that he is always with me.

As I look back at the past 15 years, there have been many mistakes and things I wish had gone differently.  But the perspective of time has also shown me that each Bishop that listened to my confessions, that wiped away my tears and gave me advice has also helped me to better known my Savior.  I am the man I am today because of each of your efforts and prayers.  There have been so many great men who have inspired me, fought for me and prayed for me.  I am eternally grateful for that love.  It gave me hope so many years ago and it gives me hope today.

So Bishop, thank you for thinking of me.  Thank you for taking the time to write that note and send it to my house.  It led me to your office door and helped me start this process.  It helped me have faith that I was not lost and forgotten.  That people still cared about me.  It helped me feel my Savior's love for the first time in a very long time.

 ~~~ Tim

"For There Is Nothing Hid Which Shall Not Be Manifested".

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So its time to take a leap a faith. Maybe the ultimate leap of faith. I'm terrified, ashamed and yet strangely serene because I know this is supposed to happen.  I have a confession to make.  First off I want to clarify that this is all being done with the complete and total blessing of those involved.  I am not compromising anyone against their will.

Some of you might have guessed from the nature of our posts and her interactions on the Hope and Healing forum for wives of addicts that 'Apple' from the Memoirs of An Apple Blog is my wife.  What might surprise you is that 'Apple' is also Sidreis from By The Light of Grace.  Which of course means that Sidreis is my wife.  We are quite the couple.  A (mostly) happy pair who both struggle with addiction, co-dependency, depression and other life hurdles.

She created the 'Apple' pseudonym to protect my anonymity while allowing her to be honest about her struggles as a co-dependent.  This has forced her to live something of a dual life on these forums and blogs.  This duality has caused both of us to be less than truthful at times.  That is not to say that we have ever posted lies in our various blog posts but it made things more complicated than they needed to be and as someone who struggles mightily with the character weakness of dishonesty, I just don't want it anymore.  The other day I mentioned in a blog post about our being in a Stake Conference meeting was something of a miracle but I couldn't say more.  The real reason we were there is because our former Bishop and Stake President was sharing Sidreis' story as the cornerstone of his talk about the Atonement.  Using her as the perfect example that there are no leftovers to our Savior.  It was an amazing and inspiring moment.  I was proud to be there.  Proud of her, inspired by her. But I couldn't share those feelings because I was scared.  I was ashamed.  PEOPLE WILL KNOW!?!  I can't be honest, can I?

Awhile back someone asked if I could share some thoughts on her blog as the "spouse of an addict".  I did it and it was fairly well received.  But I felt dirty.  I hadn't been honest.  Yes, I am the spouse of an addict and I have struggled at times with co-dependency, but I am also an addict myself so my words felt hollow.  People didn't have the entire story behind my thoughts and experiences.  I don't want to be deceptive anymore.  When you have struggled with dishonesty on the level that I have, the only path is to avoid it entirely.

So here I am.  No more hiding.  I am scared.  Terrified that people will judge me, terrified that the bloggers won't like me.  When I was anonymous I was just another child of God struggling.  But now I am the person who hurt your friend.  Who has caused her to suffer and not be her happy self of late.  I have gained so much strength from all of you, cherished your kind words and your examples and I am afraid that some of you won't like me as much anymore.  But I am tired of being afraid.  I am tired of being ashamed.  Fear and shame are tools of Satan, they do not come from my Heavenly Father.  He rejoices in honesty and light, not in darkness and shame.

I had a powerful experience the other day that pushed me towards this post and this level of honesty.  I was reading in Mark in the New Testament.  I had been pondering whether or not I should continue to be bold and stop being afraid.  I was nervous but at least willing to consider the possibility.  So while reading I encountered verses 21 and 22 in Mark Chapter 4;

 21 ¶And he said unto them, Is a candle brought to be put under a bushel, or under a bed? and not to be set on a candlestick?

 22 For there is nothing hid, which shall not be manifested; neither was any thing kept secret, but that it should come abroad.

As I read it, I knew what it meant.  I knew that I needed to stop hiding, to stop being deceitful, to stop forcing my wife to hide to protect me and as I arrived at the conclusion I was suddenly terrified.  I actually took my phone out and started to text Sidreis that I was scared.  But something told me to keep reading.  So further down in the same chapter the Savior says this;

40;And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?

So here I am.  With a simple internet search you could easily find out all the details of my life.  I don't want to hide anymore.  I hope that people will love me and support me, I hope that they will understand.  But ultimately I am doing this for me.  I don't want to be sick anymore.  I want to get better. I have reached the point where I am willing to make massive changes to overcome this mess.  So I am placing my trust in the Lord.  I will no longer let shame and fear guide me.

My name is Tim and I am an addict, but I am also a son of God and that is the label that defines me.  I was lost in the wilderness but I am not lost anymore.  I have a long road ahead of me but I am on the right path. 

~~~ Tim   

"You Have Great Value To Me"

It has been an utterly amazing, past 24 hours.  Last night I had the opportunity to attend a Stake Conference meeting in another stake at the invitation of a dear family friend.  It was a miracle that we were invited to be in that meeting but that is a story for another day. 

Over the course of the meeting, the Stake President gave a talk called "There Are No Leftovers in the Gospel of Jesus Christ".  It was powerful and centered on the Atonement to help us all better understand how our Heavenly Father and Savior view us, how they view ME.  I have spent much of my life thinking that I WAS a leftover.  I was that rotten Tupperware container at the back of the fridge.  Forgotten and left to accumulate bacteria and mold.  But his powerful testimony helped open my eyes.  Helped me to better understand how the Savior sees me.

Then today at Church I took a massive leap of faith.  I had received a prompting awhile back that I needed to be more open, first with my family and then with friends and ward members, specifically during March fast and testimony meeting .  I was scared.  Why would the Lord ask me to do something this scary when I am so weak, so close to my last relapse?  But I trusted that he wouldn't lead me astray.  So yesterday when I started my fast, I asked for strength, for hope and to know what exactly I should say.  I resisted my urges to plan ahead and prepare a talk of some sort.  I went to the meeting last night and felt the Spirit immensely and decided I was just going to trust.

So right when the testimony portion of the meeting started, everything fell apart.  My oldest son suddenly had a painful headache and stomach ache, my middle son started sobbing uncontrollably because he was hungry but wanted to try to fast but wasn't sure what to do.  Then to cap things off my youngest threw his snack all over the pew and floor not once but twice.  At this point my wife snapped at me for not helping more and I could feel my resolve fading.  So I just jumped up and headed up to the stand.  There were 2 people already waiting but I had to take that first step and show the Lord and the adversary that this WAS happening.

When I got up to the pulpit I started off by talking a little about the meeting I had attended the night before.  Then I explained that I have felt like a leftover for much of my life and that I felt like I had no value.  I then took a deep breath and told them that I was an addict, that I have struggled with addictive behavior for much of my life.  No sordid details, just simple honesty.  I then bore my testimony of recovery.  It is small right now but I could feel it surging in my chest and heart as I had the faith to share it with others.  It was a humbling and amazing experience.

I returned to my seat, my heart very full and emotional.  Then, as I am sitting there trying to compose myself, my sweet, middle son slides over next to me on the bench.  He then looked at me with his innocent eyes and said simply, "Dad, you have great value to me".  I just absolutely melted where I sat.  Such sweet and powerful words from my son.  He helped me to start to believe.  I do have value.  To my family, to my friends, and most importantly to my Heavenly Father and my Savior.

After the meeting there were many who went out of their way to shake my hand, pat me on the back and thank me for my testimony.  I felt the love of my ward and my neighbors.  There is so much power in honesty. 

In AA there is a common saying that "We Are Only As Sick As Our Secrets".  I'm a little bit less sick today because I gave up a secret.  And you know what?  It wasn't near as big or scary as I had convinced myself it would be.  I trusted my Heavenly Father and he did not lead me astray.

~~~ I Was Lost

New Beginnings

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So I arrived to work this morning and noticed on my desk calender that today is March 1st.  For whatever reason this just struck me as a new beginning.  I realized to myself that even though it is only the first day of the month it is a fresh start and a chance to face forward.  Looking back on the past month is very difficult to do and I am grateful to have February in my rear view mirror.  I truly hope that in time I will be able to look back at February 2013 as a time of growth, change and turning my life around, but right now it still feels like an open wound.

I now have a new month!

• A month in which I am currently sober.
• A month in which I have not betrayed my family.  
• A month in which I have not lied to those I love or broken covenants.  
• A month in which I am embracing the concept of reaching out and letting people love and support me.  
• A month in which I am looking for chances to serve others and be guided by the Spirit.
• A month in which I am facing forward and trying to control what I can and trust the rest to The Lord.
• A month in which I have a good system in place to do my dailies and come closer to my Savior.
• A month in which I have set goals and I am working hard to achieve them.

Yes, it is only the 1st day of the month.  But it is a fresh start and I am going to give my all to make it an amazing month.  I know that with the Lord's help and support that it CAN happen.

Here's to March!

My new beginning.

~~~ I Was Lost