Predictably, it was not well received. She felt pressured and wondered why I couldn't just be grateful for the growth we have had, which has indeed been considerable. I started to feel my heart beat faster and wondered if I had undone any growth and goodwill that has occurred. I was able to humbly bow my head and surrender my pain and fear to God and go home with a good attitude. We ended up having some amazing family time and even some wonderful 1 on 1 time as a couple. We went for a walk and looked at the stars and openly talked about things. It was the conversation that should have happened rather than the one that happened via text. The funny thing is, nothing really changed. She is still in wait and see mode and I am still wondering what is going on in her head. The difference is I am grateful for the chance I was given to have some wonderful time with the woman that I love. I am no longer focused on what I don't have. I am grateful for the relationship I do have.
So as I headed upstairs for the night I called into my nightly meeting. Today was actually the 30th consecutive day that I have attended or called into some form of 12 Step Recovery meeting. It has been an amazing boost to my recovery efforts and has allowed me to find serenity most nights that I call in. I plan to continue to attend as many meetings as I possibly can because of the peace and hope I find there.
Tonight was an SA meeting but we actually studied a section from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was powerful and exactly what I needed to hear. This is an excerpt from what was read and I feel like it was written for me;
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation---some fact of my life---unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.
In order for me to learn what I need to learn from this period of separation, I have to truly accept my circumstances. I really believe that God is the engineer of my life and that I experience the trials and hurdles that I experience for a reason. So if my separation has to continue for 3 days, 3 weeks or 3 months then obviously there is more than I need to learn from it. There is more growth that needs to occur. I trust that once I have learned the lessons and made the changes that God wants me to get from this experience then he will facilitate a new opportunity in my life, whatever that may be.
I can't obsess about when that will happen or how that might look. I can't obsess about if my wife ever thinks about holding my hand or misses having me run my fingers through her hair. All those feelings do is question my circumstances and doubt that God put me into this situation for a reason. I have to lean into the fear and embrace it. I have to be grateful for the amazing things that are happening. I have to keep working recovery and trust the rest to God. It is the only path that will lead me to where I need to go. It is the only way to find lasting hope.
I'm grateful to hear you are having alot of insight into your life, and circumstances the last few posts. There is alot of turmoil in my families lives right now and it's comforting to hear of someone that is recognizing the tender mercies around you, even as you struggle. Thank you for being so open and sharing. It really is helpful to other's. May you continue to have peace and serenity more often as you work through your recovery. ~ Wendy
ReplyDeleteThank you for that quote! I needed that tonight.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, let me say that my heart goes out to you. I have read over several of your posts starting with your first. I know how you feel. I was addicted to porn and lust for forty-eight years. I am now completely healed. I'm not in remission or in recovery. Those two words mean you are not completely well yet. I am fully, 100% healed from my addiction. I also was addicted to powerful narcotics for eleven years. I am also healed from that addiction, too. The old saying, "Once an addict, always an addict" is not always true.
ReplyDeleteMy story is long and complex, but here is the Reader’s Digest version. I got started into porn at age 6 by my forty-something neighbor. I was completely addicted to porn at age seven. I fought horrible depression and PTSD (a result of years of violent sexual abuse and rape) until three years ago. I was married three other times, all the result of making my choices based on the "porn profile." My last marriage lasted twenty years - twenty years of hell on earth. The last eleven of those years I had suicidal depression and drug addiction. During those forty-eight years, I lusted after any woman who even remotely resembled what I term as the “porn profile.”
I was healed two years ago after a miraculous priesthood blessing. I got this blessing after I finally fully confessed my entire past to my wife and bishop. I left absolutely nothing out. That healing did not happen overnight, but within four months of the blessing, I was healed. I spent the last twenty-five months and more than six hundred hours researching what causes addiction. What I have found will blow you away, especially if you are steeped in the wisdom of the world.
I cannot really go into it now because of the amount of material I have accumulated. My file is over 10 gb. I am writing a book about it, but that is not the purpose of these comments. As I read through some of your posts, I am struck by the same similarity I have found with every other addict I have ever talked to. In fact, it is a subject covered in Step One of the ARP manual: pride.
Pride is the number one reason why addicts do not recover. As President Benson said, “Pride is a very misunderstood sin….” Pride takes on so many forms from not praying to not studying the gospel to believing in the wisdom of the world. Have you read the talk covering pride? Have you researched pride and its many forms?
The second reason why addicts do not recover also is covered in Step One. “Studying the scriptures and the statements of Church leaders will help you begin your recovery.” President Boyd K. Packer hit the nail on the head. “The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior.” How much do you study the doctrines and principles of the Gospel? I do not mean simply reading the scriptures, but do you read and ponder the writings of the prophets and apostles starting with Joseph Smith?
The third reason why addicts do not recover is, again, covered in Step One. “This study will increase your understanding and help you learn.” The key word is “understanding.” I recently finished Elder Bednar’s book, “Increase in Learning.” In it he said, “Intelligence is the righteous application of knowledge and understanding in action and judgment.” Intelligence is not IQ or secular learning; it is spiritual knowledge, that when confirmed to you by the Holy Ghost becomes understanding. Understanding then becomes a commitment to action. This is what happened to me. When I finally understood the root causes of my addictions, I was able to change; permanently.
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ReplyDeleteOne thing that addicts do not understand is something absolutely vital and is covered in Step Two. “…The foundation of recovery from addiction must be spiritual.” “This program is spiritual, and it is a program of action.” The reason the ARP program is spiritually based is because your addictions are spiritually based: your spirit is addicted. This goes completely against what is taught by the secular world, but it is absolutely true.
Too many people think that the problem with addictions is that our body is the problem. It is defective in some way, but this is not true. Elder Hartman Rector, Jr., covered this in a couple different conference talks.
“I believe the physical body is a very strong part of us and is of great benefit to us. Among other reasons, it was given to us to help us overcome our addictions, bad habits, and evil desires. The body is very obedient; generally speaking, it will do exactly what the spirit tells it to do. So it is not the physical body that we are struggling with; it is the spirit we must bring into subjection.”
Elder Rector talked further about addictions.
“I believe it is primarily the spirit that sees, hears, feels, knows passion and desire; it is the spirit that becomes addicted to drugs, bad habits, and evil desires. It is not just the physical body that is addicted, but the spirit also, which, of course, is the real you and me.”
Porn addiction is a spiritual illness that has physiological manifestations and the way to heal it is through spiritual medicine, a spiritual understanding. There are a number of other things I cannot cover in this comment that also are absolutely vital. However, I would be happy to correspond with you. Email me at the address I used for this comment.