Stepping Into Darkness and Trusting the Light Will Come

The last few days have been very anxious and stressful.  I have been trying to meet with my Stake President for 2 weeks now.  We first met about a month ago and I discussed many painful and difficult things that have hindered my recovery and ability to connect to my Heavenly Father and to others.  After I left that meeting he told me he needed some time to ponder my situation so he knew how to best proceed.  I of course assumed the worst.  Surely I would be severely disciplined. 

In the weeks since I have spent much time on my knees asking my Heavenly Father to forgive me and heal me of the mess I have made.  I pleaded with my Savior for mercy and peace.  But in all things I trusted that His will be done.  I was prepared for the worst.  I was supposed to initially meet with my Stake President around the 1st of the year but the day I called to make an appointment, he had left for Hawaii.  Another week passed by.  I called for an appointment the following week and he was back in town but swamped from being away.  Another week passed until finally tonight was the appointed time. 

When I finally arrived tonight he was delayed.  I waited almost 30 minutes in the lobby.  Scared, losing hope with every passing moment.  I felt like someone waiting to be executed.  There was a room full of people waiting to meet with various leaders and the mood was light and playful.  People were chatting and enjoying themselves.  I tried to distract myself but it was hard.  My mind wandered aimlessly and of course always ended up back to the worst case scenarios. 

Finally, I walked into his office and sat down.  I expressed that I was scared and immediately  had to wipe away tears from my eyes.  He smiled and his eyes were full of love.  He asked about my recovery and we discussed many of the things I have been working on.  He gave me encouragement and hope.  He said that while it is important to continue to take things one day at a time and work hard, there is nothing wrong with acknowledging the good that has happened.  He asked about my marriage and my boys.  All the while giving counsel and love.  Finally he smiled and asked if I needed anything else from him.  I stammered and struggled to answer.  I mumbled something about not knowing what my standing was with the Lord and with the Church.  He smiled and said your standing is secure.  You still have some work to do but keep doing what you can.  Keep serving and keep reaching out and we will meet again in a few weeks and we will go from there.  There are certain things I am not able to do yet.  Maybe not for awhile.  And that's okay.  But there is much I can do and I am so grateful for that. 

I expressed my fear again to him about the days leading up.  He then shared an analogy with me that really struck me.  This community being a mining town, his analogy was about miners.  He explained that when you are deep in the mine, sometimes you just have to keep walking down the tunnel and trust that you will eventually get to the opening that leads you out of the hole.  He explained that sometimes as you walk, the path will line up perfectly with your destination and for a time you will see the light of that exit.  But then there will be a twist or grade in the path that causes you to lose sight of the exit, to lose sight of the light.  But your only recourse is to keep walking in the right direction and trust that light will eventually be there.  He explained that sometimes we simply have to walk in that darkness, doing our best to go in the right direction, and trust that the light of our Heavenly Father will find us. 

I thought about that a lot in the minutes and hours after our meeting.  In the past month I spent a lot of time walking in the darkness.  Walking in fear.  There were times when I would catch glimpses of the light, when I would get confirmation that I was on the right path.  Then as soon as I found it, it was gone again.  A twist in the path took me away from the light.  But I kept walking.  Sometimes I spent days at a time in the darkness.  But I kept walking.  Tonight in the hours leading up to my meeting the darkness so was consuming that I almost couldn't walk anymore.  But I kept walking.  At times it was all I could do to move an inch at a time.  Finally tonight as I sat in the office of my Stake President, the path lined up once again and I could see the light.  I am still far from my destination.  I honestly don't know how much longer I have to go.  But I can see the light of my Heavenly Father.  He let me walk in the darkness for awhile.  Longer than I would have liked.  But the light did come.  I see it in the distance calling me.  I will keep walking.