What Dreams May Come

I can almost never remember my dreams.  I can sometimes remember fleeting details or ideas, but I have never been one of those people that can visualize and see my dreams the morning after.  I have often seen this as somewhat of a blessing in recovery.  Many addicts experience detailed user dreams where they watch themselves act out in their addiction or behave inappropriately.  I know that it can be a huge trigger when experienced.  I have had many people mention it to me over the years.

There have been times when I woke up extremely triggered that I assume I probably had a user dream but even then I was grateful that I don't actually know what thoughts were bouncing around my head that caused the triggers.  That is what made it so odd that I had such a vivid recollection of my dream the other night.

I dreamed that I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep and there was a knock at the door.  To my surprise it was Sidreis.  She asked if she could come in and I said 'sure'.  She walked over and laid down next to me and we watched TV together.  Eventually I drifted off to sleep.  There was no discussion or intimacy or even contact, at least not that I recall.  We just laid there and watched TV until I fell asleep.  That was the entire dream.

On one hand I was grateful.  I hope that it means the lust in my relationship is fading.  That I am starting to truly see her as a daughter of God and that my thoughts about her are pure and true.  But it was also hard.  Because that's the stuff I miss.  Just the closeness.  Being able to fall asleep knowing that she is by my side.  Knowing that I am an important part of her life.

It really made for a rough morning.  It took awhile before I could surrender it to God.  Because I LIKED the dream.  Not in a lustful or intimate way.  I just liked the feelings of closeness, even though I know they weren't real.  I longed for it.  But I am also grateful that I was able to surrender it to the Savior.  That was the key.  That is ALWAYS the key.  When the sacrament prayers bless us to "always remember Him", this is the essence of that concept.  I am learning more and more each day that the concept of surrender is nothing but a true internalization of steps 1, 2 and 3.

It's actually pretty simple once I get outside of my own head.

1.  I recognize I am feeling or experiencing something I am struggling to process or entirely unable to process.  It might be a trigger, an emotion, a lustful thought, etc.  I recognize that I cannot work through it on my own.  I recognize that I am powerless over it.

2.  This is the part I can get stuck on at times.  Because it's easy to get stuck in the feelings and emotions in the moment.  But eventually I have to recognize that there is someone out there who can take on these feelings and emotions.  Who can take them from me if I humble myself and offer them to Him.  That person is my Savior, Jesus Christ.  He who has felt, experienced and lived every emotion, pain or trigger I could ever go through.  He understands.  He can handle it.

3.  So I bow my head, or close my eyes or hit my knees depending on the situation and I humbly offer it to Him.  Every time I have been able to humbly reach this point, peace has come.  Every single time.  He always either takes the feelings, gives me strength to process the feelings, or guides me to a way out.  Typically the way out is a prompting to reach out to someone from my support system. 

I never really understood surrender until recently.  I always tried to battle my temptations and emotions with a toolbox.  I tried to out-plan them, out-think them or white-knuckle them.  But that never works.  NEVER.  I can never in a million years do this on my own.  I can't.  Trying over and over is what got me here.  And trust me.  I tried everything.  To-do lists, keeping myself hyper busy, working multiple programs, attending firesides, reading books, texting support people constantly throughout the day.  All of those things eventually fail.  There is only one source that will never fail and that is my Savior.  He will never fail.

It really is simple.

I can't.  God can.  I think I'll let Him.

I've heard it called the '3 step waltz', the process of surrender, the 'Atonement for Dummies'.  I've heard it called lots of names.  But no matter the name.  It works.