Wanting or Willing?

I realized today that it has been exactly 8 weeks since I got on this crazy roller coaster of maybe divorce, definitely separation and hopefully redemption. But oddly enough it wasn't a painful realization. Today has been a good day. Really truly it has. I am finally getting over the cold that has dragged me down the last few days. I had an awesome talk with my wife last night. She said some hard things. But I am learning to appreciate honesty. I have really recognized that the biggest thing that has motivated me to truly change this time wasn't the fear of divorce or the emotional separation or even the physical separation of being in separate bedrooms. It was the honest expression of her pain. Awhile back after this all went down my wife wrote me an extremely honest and painful email. She explained later that it came from anger and she really didn't intend for me to see that side of her. But I needed it. For the first time ever I really internalized how much she has endured, how much she has suffered. And it broke me. I had to delete the email from my inbox because I kept going back and reading it over and over and feeling her pain again and again. It was more than I could bear. I can't begin to fathom what it must have been like for her all those years.

So in our talk last night one of the things she shared with me is that her hope right now is that I can get past the emotions of our current circumstances and just accept life as it is for right now so that hopefully some healing and connection can start to occur. But that to be perfectly frank, when I am moping and depressed about her choice to separate and set boundaries, she really has no desire to be around me. It wasn't fun to hear.

So after I went up to my room to call into my phone meeting for the night, first I called a good friend and talked for awhile. It was good to surrender some things and bounce some thoughts off someone. Then I called into my nightly recovery meeting and was able to honestly and openly share about where I am at. I have currently been to some form of 12 Step meeting be it an in person or a phone meeting for 23 consecutive days. It has had an amazing impact on my recovery. But after my call I started my nightly ritual to find an uplifting quote for a Facebook page and my wife and I run called Recovery Quotes where we shared uplifting, recovery based quotes for those who like our page. Usually I will post something impactful from my dailies or just search on a topic. But I felt inspired to do a search for quotes from 12 Step meetings. I came across one that spoke strait to my heart.

"Being 'willing' to do something is not the same as 'wanting' to."

While working the 12 Steps we are often counseled to become willing to do things. Become willing to abstain. Become willing to surrender your character weaknesses. I had never really thought much about the meaning or the wording. But when I thought about it, being willing means; "I can do this. It might be hard and it might not feel good but I can do it." It doesn't always mean 'I want to or, or I like it or it makes me feel good'. True change is hard. It takes sacrifice. It takes pain and sweat and tears. I don't want to be separated from my wife. I don't want her to cut me off emotionally and act like she doesn't care about me. I don't want it at all. But.... I can be willing to do whatever it takes to get better and help her heal. I can be willing to respect her boundaries so that she can feel safe and an environment can exist where we can connect. I can be willing to let go and trust God with the future and do what I can today to be a good father, a good husband and a good person.

Recovery is hard. I don't always want it. Some days I want to be whiny. I want to mope and feel sorry for myself and blame others. I don't always want to get outside myself and serve. I don't always want to give up my evenings to be on recovery calls and in recovery meetings. I don't always want to show the world all my scars and demons.

But I am willing to trust God and make decisions that will bring me closer to Him. And the more He is in my life, the more likely everything else will take care of itself.

A good friend and sponsor of mine sends me the same thing almost every time he texts me. It gives me a great deal of hope and perspective. Three simple words but so much power.

#OneMoreDay

One more day. That's all I have. It's all I can control. It is enough.