Will You Be My Friend?

The last few weeks have been difficult ones. I have been doing a lot of self reflection and self analysis. I have been working the Addo online program as well as attending/calling into 3 different types of 12 Step programs. A very dear friend of mine has always counseled that the best way to find real, lasting recovery is to be a 'seeker of knowledge'. There is no one 'right way' to find lasting recovery. We all work differently and heal differently. Some folks get to their point of no return faster, others, like me, have to fail over and over to finally be broken. The more knowledge about my condition I can find. The more honest shares from people who are walking that path I can hear and the more of my life I am willing to dedicate to getting better, the more lasting my recovery can become.

Even though it has been painful, I have learned a lot about myself lately. One of the biggest lessons I have learned is that I have a deep, powerful longing to matter to people. I care immensely and intensely what people think about me and if they like me. I obsess about if my blog is getting traffic and if people are leaving comments. I almost deleted my Facebook because I felt like no one was interacting with me there at times and it was painful to feel that way.

As I peeled back layers I came to understand how deep this longing is. As I thought long and hard about my addictive behaviors and my methods for acting out I came to realize that even my addiction is based in this deep desire for acceptance. I have never been much of a 'viewer'. That is not to say that images can't trigger me and that I haven't indulged at times, because I have. But my deeper, darker indulgences always involved calling adult phone lines, visiting Internet chat sites and trying to connect. Sometimes it was sexual in nature, but oftentimes it was just me creating a fantasy life where I had more value and people liked me better. In this fantasy life I was always more physically fit and attractive, more financially secure and much, much more confident. I truly believed that for brief periods of time that these fantasies were giving me real connection. That it was helping me find acceptance and love. In reality it was causing me to drift further and further away from the real people in my life who really did rely on me and love me.

I made a startling realization recently. I have very few truly close friends. I honestly can't think of any. I have many acquaintances and co-workers and family members. But there is almost no one in my life that I would feel completely comfortable calling whether I needed a shoulder to cry on or just wanted to catch a movie. Even in my own family. I am very close to my Mom and can talk to her about anything. I am fairly close to one brother but my relationships with my other siblings have never been strong.

One of the hardest things in life is to look at yourself in the mirror and realize that you don't really have any friends. And recognize that the reason for this is because you have always been too afraid to be honest with yourself. To be truly honest and vulnerable with others. I have spent so much of my life living in fantasy that the real me has gotten lost somewhere in the void. Half in real life and half disconnected from reality.

I am coming to know and understand that the most powerful connection in my life is that with my Heavenly Father and my Savior. I truly am a child of God and that defines me first and foremost. That has to be the most important relationship I have. His love and support will sustain me even when all other relationships fail or drift apart. It is and needs to remain the cornerstone of everything I do. I believe that. I know that.

But I am human and I still want to feel connected and loved by others. I want to be honest, I want to be vulnerable. I want people to see me for who I am, strengths, weaknesses, scars and all and still see value in me. I want to matter to people.

Will you be my friend?