Coming Full Circle: Some Days Just Suck

So I first started this blog in February of 2013. The night I started was the night that after another discovery of struggles my wife asked me to leave. We were separated for about 10 days. I think she probably wanted it to last longer that time and even when I returned home things were really bad for awhile. The reality is that the first 15 years of our marriage was a train wreck at times. I was actively living in my addiction and letting my lust and fantasies spill over onto my beautiful wife. I was cruel, manipulating and abusive. I put my own desires and needs above hers time and time again. It is painful to think back on some of the things I did. It is embarrassing and shameful. It makes me hate who I was at times. It makes me wonder if that person still lurks inside of me.

Well here we are almost 2 years later and once again my wife and I are separated. It is not entirely a physical separation because we are still in the same house sleeping in separate rooms but it is most definitely an emotional separation,  It's humbling to admit that here publicly but I have reached the point in my life that I just don't care what people think anymore. I just want to get better. I just don't want to be broken anymore. I want to be the husband, father and man that I know I am capable of being.

It all started 2 days before Thanksgiving. After noticing her withdraw for a few weeks I finally pushed her to find out what was going on. She didn't want to talk about it but of course I pushed. She finally blurted out, "I think I want a divorce". My entire world just shut down. For the next 2-3 weeks it was all I could do to get out of bed in the morning. I had embarrassing moments at work where co-workers walked in on me sobbing at my desk and I regularly had to run to the bathroom to wash my face. It was hard. Probably the most pain I have felt, ever. In the weeks that followed there were good days and bad. I argued, justified, minimized my past behavior and begged her to change her mind. Some days things were so good it was hard to imagine anything was wrong. Other days were so bad I cried myself to sleep.

Somewhere in the middle of all this we started having some pretty deep conversations late at night. Sometimes they were honest and angry. Sometimes they were longing and hopeful. From one minute to the next I had no idea if she still cared about me at all or if she was just making the best of things so we didn't ruin Christmas for the boys. I met with the Bishop and Stake President. Both counseled the same thing. Give her space, serve her and your family where you can and just do what you need to do, to finally, once and for all, turn your life to the Lord and let him take the reins. You can never overcome your trials, personal, emotional or marital on your own. But He can heal anything.

Christmas came and went and it was mostly magical. But I cried myself to sleep almost every night that week wondering if it was the last Christmas with my family. If I would ever get to watch my boys open their presents again. If I would ever get to spend the holidays again with the woman I love more than anything in this world. It actually ended up being an awesome Christmas. I had a genuinely good day. I got to spend time in the moment. I mostly succeeded in living in the current and not stressing about the future and our kids seemed to be fairly oblivious even though we had been sleeping in separate rooms for over a month at that point.

The day after New Years, we sat down and talked to our boys. It was hard but not as hard as I had made it out to be in my mind. Over the 6 weeks that had passed my wife had changed from wanting divorce to accepting that change can happen and taking things one day at a time. It could certainly still happen but it is no longer an absolute. We are moving forward one day at a time. She is in wait and see mode to see if I am real. To see if she can heal from the mess I made. I am focused on doing anything I can to get better and trying to get outside myself and serve others.

We spent the last few days buying the needed furniture and items to completely, physically separate in the house. She has her room and I have mine. Separate beds, dressers, closets. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Yesterday was an emotional roller coaster. I met with a therapist in the morning and had an amazing meeting. Then I got to spend the entire day with my wife. We shopped and talked and things were mostly good. She got her hair done and it looks amazing. But that ended up being pretty hard for me. This will probably sound silly but my favorite thing to do while spending time with my wife is to run my fingers through her hair. She used to love it and would beg me to do it at times to help her relax or help her fall asleep. It became a routine. Almost a bedtime ritual. It came to be one of the things I cherished most about our relationship. So watching her run her fingers through her hair and become acquainted with her new style was emotionally painful for me. It's hard to explain but it literally hurt my heart to see her running her fingers through her hair and realize I didn't get to do that anymore.

Then later when we got home we helped each other setup the new beds and bedding. Then I made the slow walk to my new upstairs bedroom and did my best to sleep. It is always difficult to sleep in an unfamiliar room. It is infinitely more difficult when the reality of your circumstances presses down on your chest as you attempt to sleep. It was a hard night and a hard morning. I was able to put on a happy face and go to work and interact with some people I rely on for support who have walked a similar path. The counsel is always the same. "Let Go and Let God." Trust Him and focus on getting better. I know that's what I need to do. And most days recently I have done a pretty good job of it. I have been able to get outside myself, serve others, serve my family and focus 100% on recovery. I have attended daily meetings, talked to numerous sponsors and support people and tried to be true. I know the Lord is sustaining me. I know He is working a change in my heart. I truly believe that. But the reality is that I am human and some days I just don't have it in me to completely trust Him. I want to let go and let God.... But some days just suck...

Tim