I can almost never remember my dreams. I can sometimes remember fleeting details or ideas, but I have never been one of those people that can visualize and see my dreams the morning after. I have often seen this as somewhat of a blessing in recovery. Many addicts experience detailed user dreams where they watch themselves act out in their addiction or behave inappropriately. I know that it can be a huge trigger when experienced. I have had many people mention it to me over the years.
There have been times when I woke up extremely triggered that I assume I probably had a user dream but even then I was grateful that I don't actually know what thoughts were bouncing around my head that caused the triggers. That is what made it so odd that I had such a vivid recollection of my dream the other night.
I dreamed that I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep and there was a knock at the door. To my surprise it was Sidreis. She asked if she could come in and I said 'sure'. She walked over and laid down next to me and we watched TV together. Eventually I drifted off to sleep. There was no discussion or intimacy or even contact, at least not that I recall. We just laid there and watched TV until I fell asleep. That was the entire dream.
On one hand I was grateful. I hope that it means the lust in my relationship is fading. That I am starting to truly see her as a daughter of God and that my thoughts about her are pure and true. But it was also hard. Because that's the stuff I miss. Just the closeness. Being able to fall asleep knowing that she is by my side. Knowing that I am an important part of her life.
It really made for a rough morning. It took awhile before I could surrender it to God. Because I LIKED the dream. Not in a lustful or intimate way. I just liked the feelings of closeness, even though I know they weren't real. I longed for it. But I am also grateful that I was able to surrender it to the Savior. That was the key. That is ALWAYS the key. When the sacrament prayers bless us to "always remember Him", this is the essence of that concept. I am learning more and more each day that the concept of surrender is nothing but a true internalization of steps 1, 2 and 3.
It's actually pretty simple once I get outside of my own head.
1. I recognize I am feeling or experiencing something I am struggling to process or entirely unable to process. It might be a trigger, an emotion, a lustful thought, etc. I recognize that I cannot work through it on my own. I recognize that I am powerless over it.
2. This is the part I can get stuck on at times. Because it's easy to get stuck in the feelings and emotions in the moment. But eventually I have to recognize that there is someone out there who can take on these feelings and emotions. Who can take them from me if I humble myself and offer them to Him. That person is my Savior, Jesus Christ. He who has felt, experienced and lived every emotion, pain or trigger I could ever go through. He understands. He can handle it.
3. So I bow my head, or close my eyes or hit my knees depending on the situation and I humbly offer it to Him. Every time I have been able to humbly reach this point, peace has come. Every single time. He always either takes the feelings, gives me strength to process the feelings, or guides me to a way out. Typically the way out is a prompting to reach out to someone from my support system.
I never really understood surrender until recently. I always tried to battle my temptations and emotions with a toolbox. I tried to out-plan them, out-think them or white-knuckle them. But that never works. NEVER. I can never in a million years do this on my own. I can't. Trying over and over is what got me here. And trust me. I tried everything. To-do lists, keeping myself hyper busy, working multiple programs, attending firesides, reading books, texting support people constantly throughout the day. All of those things eventually fail. There is only one source that will never fail and that is my Savior. He will never fail.
It really is simple.
I can't. God can. I think I'll let Him.
I've heard it called the '3 step waltz', the process of surrender, the 'Atonement for Dummies'. I've heard it called lots of names. But no matter the name. It works.
Friday, January 30, 2015
Monday, January 26, 2015
30 meetings in 30 days: Learning Acceptance
So today was a very up and down day but it ended extremely well. I feel like things have been amazing the past week or two between my wife and I and so I allowed myself to get a little anxious. One of the most difficult aspects of our separation is the level of emotional disconnect that has occurred. I feel at times like I have no idea what is going on in her heart and in her mind. I wonder sometimes if there is still a place in her heart for me. Some of these feelings and fears led to me breaking one of the rules I have set for myself in regards to our relationship. Early on in this separation process we were sending each other these massive emails and then avoiding each other when we were face to face. It was confusing and hard. So I committed to myself that any serious, heartfelt communication that I wanted to have with her would be face to face. But I broke that rule today and sent a text asking her if reconciliation is something she has thought about. If it is even on her radar or if we are still far away from that in her mind.
Predictably, it was not well received. She felt pressured and wondered why I couldn't just be grateful for the growth we have had, which has indeed been considerable. I started to feel my heart beat faster and wondered if I had undone any growth and goodwill that has occurred. I was able to humbly bow my head and surrender my pain and fear to God and go home with a good attitude. We ended up having some amazing family time and even some wonderful 1 on 1 time as a couple. We went for a walk and looked at the stars and openly talked about things. It was the conversation that should have happened rather than the one that happened via text. The funny thing is, nothing really changed. She is still in wait and see mode and I am still wondering what is going on in her head. The difference is I am grateful for the chance I was given to have some wonderful time with the woman that I love. I am no longer focused on what I don't have. I am grateful for the relationship I do have.
So as I headed upstairs for the night I called into my nightly meeting. Today was actually the 30th consecutive day that I have attended or called into some form of 12 Step Recovery meeting. It has been an amazing boost to my recovery efforts and has allowed me to find serenity most nights that I call in. I plan to continue to attend as many meetings as I possibly can because of the peace and hope I find there.
Tonight was an SA meeting but we actually studied a section from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was powerful and exactly what I needed to hear. This is an excerpt from what was read and I feel like it was written for me;
Predictably, it was not well received. She felt pressured and wondered why I couldn't just be grateful for the growth we have had, which has indeed been considerable. I started to feel my heart beat faster and wondered if I had undone any growth and goodwill that has occurred. I was able to humbly bow my head and surrender my pain and fear to God and go home with a good attitude. We ended up having some amazing family time and even some wonderful 1 on 1 time as a couple. We went for a walk and looked at the stars and openly talked about things. It was the conversation that should have happened rather than the one that happened via text. The funny thing is, nothing really changed. She is still in wait and see mode and I am still wondering what is going on in her head. The difference is I am grateful for the chance I was given to have some wonderful time with the woman that I love. I am no longer focused on what I don't have. I am grateful for the relationship I do have.
So as I headed upstairs for the night I called into my nightly meeting. Today was actually the 30th consecutive day that I have attended or called into some form of 12 Step Recovery meeting. It has been an amazing boost to my recovery efforts and has allowed me to find serenity most nights that I call in. I plan to continue to attend as many meetings as I possibly can because of the peace and hope I find there.
Tonight was an SA meeting but we actually studied a section from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was powerful and exactly what I needed to hear. This is an excerpt from what was read and I feel like it was written for me;
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation---some fact of my life---unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.
In order for me to learn what I need to learn from this period of separation, I have to truly accept my circumstances. I really believe that God is the engineer of my life and that I experience the trials and hurdles that I experience for a reason. So if my separation has to continue for 3 days, 3 weeks or 3 months then obviously there is more than I need to learn from it. There is more growth that needs to occur. I trust that once I have learned the lessons and made the changes that God wants me to get from this experience then he will facilitate a new opportunity in my life, whatever that may be.
I can't obsess about when that will happen or how that might look. I can't obsess about if my wife ever thinks about holding my hand or misses having me run my fingers through her hair. All those feelings do is question my circumstances and doubt that God put me into this situation for a reason. I have to lean into the fear and embrace it. I have to be grateful for the amazing things that are happening. I have to keep working recovery and trust the rest to God. It is the only path that will lead me to where I need to go. It is the only way to find lasting hope.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Tenuous Bonds
One of the most difficult aspects of recovery is recognizing how tenuous my bonds and relationships are with others, including with God. I can have a string of wonderful days when I feel close to God and close to those around me and then it can all vanish with one simple misunderstanding. I am striving to learn from these pit stops rather than let them derail me. One of the most powerful lessons I learned on my LDS mission was that I have a tendency to make mountains out of molehills. Life isn't perfect and I am not perfect either. Misunderstandings, frustrations, even arguments are part of life. I can either choose to learn from them and grow, or let them own my serenity and lead to slips and relapses.
I find much hope from a passage in the SA White Book which explains the difficult road that true recovery can be. After outlining the 12 Steps and the rigorous honesty and accountability that the program asks, the following passage explains the difficulties that one can encounter along the way;
Recovery is a journey, not a destination. I will have wonderful days and hard ones. I will have days when I am connected to God and others the entire day and I will have days that I have to fight to break out of isolation. And both scenarios are normal and okay. I can't let every little pitfall fill me with despair and fear. The only true path to growth is to work a step 10 at the end of the day and ask myself honestly how my day went.
If I can honestly ask myself these questions each day, or at least most days, then I will make progress. Some days it may be hard to see but it will happen. Bonds are rebuilt over time. Experience by experience, hour by hour and day by day. Each day that I strive to honestly work recovery and learn from my mistakes the relationships in my life and with my Heavenly Father will be strengthened. I truly believe that. I just have to trust the process and be patient. That is why recovery only works one day at a time.
I find much hope from a passage in the SA White Book which explains the difficult road that true recovery can be. After outlining the 12 Steps and the rigorous honesty and accountability that the program asks, the following passage explains the difficulties that one can encounter along the way;
"Many of us exclaimed, 'What an order! I can't go through with it.' No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection."
Recovery is a journey, not a destination. I will have wonderful days and hard ones. I will have days when I am connected to God and others the entire day and I will have days that I have to fight to break out of isolation. And both scenarios are normal and okay. I can't let every little pitfall fill me with despair and fear. The only true path to growth is to work a step 10 at the end of the day and ask myself honestly how my day went.
- What did I do well?
- How was my relationship with God today?
- Did I do the things I need to do to develop that relationship today? (Dailies)
- How connected was I with my support system and my family today?
- Did I get outside myself and serve others today?
- What struggles did I have today?
- What can I learn from them?
- Do I have any amends to make or any apologies to offer?
If I can honestly ask myself these questions each day, or at least most days, then I will make progress. Some days it may be hard to see but it will happen. Bonds are rebuilt over time. Experience by experience, hour by hour and day by day. Each day that I strive to honestly work recovery and learn from my mistakes the relationships in my life and with my Heavenly Father will be strengthened. I truly believe that. I just have to trust the process and be patient. That is why recovery only works one day at a time.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Wanting or Willing?
I realized today that it has been exactly 8 weeks since I got on this crazy roller coaster of maybe divorce, definitely separation and hopefully redemption. But oddly enough it wasn't a painful realization. Today has been a good day. Really truly it has. I am finally getting over the cold that has dragged me down the last few days. I had an awesome talk with my wife last night. She said some hard things. But I am learning to appreciate honesty. I have really recognized that the biggest thing that has motivated me to truly change this time wasn't the fear of divorce or the emotional separation or even the physical separation of being in separate bedrooms. It was the honest expression of her pain. Awhile back after this all went down my wife wrote me an extremely honest and painful email. She explained later that it came from anger and she really didn't intend for me to see that side of her. But I needed it. For the first time ever I really internalized how much she has endured, how much she has suffered. And it broke me. I had to delete the email from my inbox because I kept going back and reading it over and over and feeling her pain again and again. It was more than I could bear. I can't begin to fathom what it must have been like for her all those years.
So in our talk last night one of the things she shared with me is that her hope right now is that I can get past the emotions of our current circumstances and just accept life as it is for right now so that hopefully some healing and connection can start to occur. But that to be perfectly frank, when I am moping and depressed about her choice to separate and set boundaries, she really has no desire to be around me. It wasn't fun to hear.
So after I went up to my room to call into my phone meeting for the night, first I called a good friend and talked for awhile. It was good to surrender some things and bounce some thoughts off someone. Then I called into my nightly recovery meeting and was able to honestly and openly share about where I am at. I have currently been to some form of 12 Step meeting be it an in person or a phone meeting for 23 consecutive days. It has had an amazing impact on my recovery. But after my call I started my nightly ritual to find an uplifting quote for a Facebook page and my wife and I run called Recovery Quotes where we shared uplifting, recovery based quotes for those who like our page. Usually I will post something impactful from my dailies or just search on a topic. But I felt inspired to do a search for quotes from 12 Step meetings. I came across one that spoke strait to my heart.
While working the 12 Steps we are often counseled to become willing to do things. Become willing to abstain. Become willing to surrender your character weaknesses. I had never really thought much about the meaning or the wording. But when I thought about it, being willing means; "I can do this. It might be hard and it might not feel good but I can do it." It doesn't always mean 'I want to or, or I like it or it makes me feel good'. True change is hard. It takes sacrifice. It takes pain and sweat and tears. I don't want to be separated from my wife. I don't want her to cut me off emotionally and act like she doesn't care about me. I don't want it at all. But.... I can be willing to do whatever it takes to get better and help her heal. I can be willing to respect her boundaries so that she can feel safe and an environment can exist where we can connect. I can be willing to let go and trust God with the future and do what I can today to be a good father, a good husband and a good person.
Recovery is hard. I don't always want it. Some days I want to be whiny. I want to mope and feel sorry for myself and blame others. I don't always want to get outside myself and serve. I don't always want to give up my evenings to be on recovery calls and in recovery meetings. I don't always want to show the world all my scars and demons.
But I am willing to trust God and make decisions that will bring me closer to Him. And the more He is in my life, the more likely everything else will take care of itself.
A good friend and sponsor of mine sends me the same thing almost every time he texts me. It gives me a great deal of hope and perspective. Three simple words but so much power.
#OneMoreDay
One more day. That's all I have. It's all I can control. It is enough.
So in our talk last night one of the things she shared with me is that her hope right now is that I can get past the emotions of our current circumstances and just accept life as it is for right now so that hopefully some healing and connection can start to occur. But that to be perfectly frank, when I am moping and depressed about her choice to separate and set boundaries, she really has no desire to be around me. It wasn't fun to hear.
So after I went up to my room to call into my phone meeting for the night, first I called a good friend and talked for awhile. It was good to surrender some things and bounce some thoughts off someone. Then I called into my nightly recovery meeting and was able to honestly and openly share about where I am at. I have currently been to some form of 12 Step meeting be it an in person or a phone meeting for 23 consecutive days. It has had an amazing impact on my recovery. But after my call I started my nightly ritual to find an uplifting quote for a Facebook page and my wife and I run called Recovery Quotes where we shared uplifting, recovery based quotes for those who like our page. Usually I will post something impactful from my dailies or just search on a topic. But I felt inspired to do a search for quotes from 12 Step meetings. I came across one that spoke strait to my heart.
"Being 'willing' to do something is not the same as 'wanting' to."
While working the 12 Steps we are often counseled to become willing to do things. Become willing to abstain. Become willing to surrender your character weaknesses. I had never really thought much about the meaning or the wording. But when I thought about it, being willing means; "I can do this. It might be hard and it might not feel good but I can do it." It doesn't always mean 'I want to or, or I like it or it makes me feel good'. True change is hard. It takes sacrifice. It takes pain and sweat and tears. I don't want to be separated from my wife. I don't want her to cut me off emotionally and act like she doesn't care about me. I don't want it at all. But.... I can be willing to do whatever it takes to get better and help her heal. I can be willing to respect her boundaries so that she can feel safe and an environment can exist where we can connect. I can be willing to let go and trust God with the future and do what I can today to be a good father, a good husband and a good person.
Recovery is hard. I don't always want it. Some days I want to be whiny. I want to mope and feel sorry for myself and blame others. I don't always want to get outside myself and serve. I don't always want to give up my evenings to be on recovery calls and in recovery meetings. I don't always want to show the world all my scars and demons.
But I am willing to trust God and make decisions that will bring me closer to Him. And the more He is in my life, the more likely everything else will take care of itself.
A good friend and sponsor of mine sends me the same thing almost every time he texts me. It gives me a great deal of hope and perspective. Three simple words but so much power.
#OneMoreDay
One more day. That's all I have. It's all I can control. It is enough.
Sunday, January 18, 2015
Broken Together
The last 24 hours has been complex. I have been sick and so my defenses are down and my emotions are close to the surface. Last night was particularly hard. When I am sick a little bit of the child in me comes out. I feel crappy and I want to be taken care of. I want to know that I matter to people. I want to feel safe and comfortable. So going up to my room alone was really difficult. I ended up calling one of my sponsors and then calling into a recovery phone meeting despite being desperately tired so I made it to bed safe and with a measure of serenity but it was difficult.
Things are better this morning even though I am feeling pretty crappy. So as part of my morning daily routine I was looking for an uplifting song. I ran across this song almost by accident. Of course in life very little happens by accident so I truly believe I was meant to find it and listen to it and drink in the hope that it embodies. This song very much describes how I feel in my marriage and in my relationship. The emotions, the pain, the struggles. It personifies how I feel. It gives me hope that things can be okay again someday even if I don't know when that someday might be. I believe that through the Atonement we can be broken, but together.
Things are better this morning even though I am feeling pretty crappy. So as part of my morning daily routine I was looking for an uplifting song. I ran across this song almost by accident. Of course in life very little happens by accident so I truly believe I was meant to find it and listen to it and drink in the hope that it embodies. This song very much describes how I feel in my marriage and in my relationship. The emotions, the pain, the struggles. It personifies how I feel. It gives me hope that things can be okay again someday even if I don't know when that someday might be. I believe that through the Atonement we can be broken, but together.
Broken Together by Casting Crowns
What do you think about when you look at me I know we're not the fairytale you dreamed we'd be
You wore the veil, you walked the aisle, you took my hand And we dove into a mystery
How I wish we could go back to simpler times Before all our scars and all our secrets were in the light
Now on this hallowed ground, we've drawn the battle lines Will we make it through the night?
Its going to take much more than promises this time Only God can change our minds
Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete Could we just be broken together?
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine Could healing still be spoken and save us?
The only way we'll last forever is broken together
How it must have been so lonely by my side We were building kingdoms and chasing dreams and left love behind
I'm praying God will help our broken hearts align And we wont give up the fight
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Stepping Into Darkness and Trusting the Light Will Come
The last few days have been very anxious and stressful. I have been trying to meet with my Stake President for 2 weeks now. We first met about a month ago and I discussed many painful and difficult things that have hindered my recovery and ability to connect to my Heavenly Father and to others. After I left that meeting he told me he needed some time to ponder my situation so he knew how to best proceed. I of course assumed the worst. Surely I would be severely disciplined.
In the weeks since I have spent much time on my knees asking my Heavenly Father to forgive me and heal me of the mess I have made. I pleaded with my Savior for mercy and peace. But in all things I trusted that His will be done. I was prepared for the worst. I was supposed to initially meet with my Stake President around the 1st of the year but the day I called to make an appointment, he had left for Hawaii. Another week passed by. I called for an appointment the following week and he was back in town but swamped from being away. Another week passed until finally tonight was the appointed time.
When I finally arrived tonight he was delayed. I waited almost 30 minutes in the lobby. Scared, losing hope with every passing moment. I felt like someone waiting to be executed. There was a room full of people waiting to meet with various leaders and the mood was light and playful. People were chatting and enjoying themselves. I tried to distract myself but it was hard. My mind wandered aimlessly and of course always ended up back to the worst case scenarios.
Finally, I walked into his office and sat down. I expressed that I was scared and immediately had to wipe away tears from my eyes. He smiled and his eyes were full of love. He asked about my recovery and we discussed many of the things I have been working on. He gave me encouragement and hope. He said that while it is important to continue to take things one day at a time and work hard, there is nothing wrong with acknowledging the good that has happened. He asked about my marriage and my boys. All the while giving counsel and love. Finally he smiled and asked if I needed anything else from him. I stammered and struggled to answer. I mumbled something about not knowing what my standing was with the Lord and with the Church. He smiled and said your standing is secure. You still have some work to do but keep doing what you can. Keep serving and keep reaching out and we will meet again in a few weeks and we will go from there. There are certain things I am not able to do yet. Maybe not for awhile. And that's okay. But there is much I can do and I am so grateful for that.
I expressed my fear again to him about the days leading up. He then shared an analogy with me that really struck me. This community being a mining town, his analogy was about miners. He explained that when you are deep in the mine, sometimes you just have to keep walking down the tunnel and trust that you will eventually get to the opening that leads you out of the hole. He explained that sometimes as you walk, the path will line up perfectly with your destination and for a time you will see the light of that exit. But then there will be a twist or grade in the path that causes you to lose sight of the exit, to lose sight of the light. But your only recourse is to keep walking in the right direction and trust that light will eventually be there. He explained that sometimes we simply have to walk in that darkness, doing our best to go in the right direction, and trust that the light of our Heavenly Father will find us.
I thought about that a lot in the minutes and hours after our meeting. In the past month I spent a lot of time walking in the darkness. Walking in fear. There were times when I would catch glimpses of the light, when I would get confirmation that I was on the right path. Then as soon as I found it, it was gone again. A twist in the path took me away from the light. But I kept walking. Sometimes I spent days at a time in the darkness. But I kept walking. Tonight in the hours leading up to my meeting the darkness so was consuming that I almost couldn't walk anymore. But I kept walking. At times it was all I could do to move an inch at a time. Finally tonight as I sat in the office of my Stake President, the path lined up once again and I could see the light. I am still far from my destination. I honestly don't know how much longer I have to go. But I can see the light of my Heavenly Father. He let me walk in the darkness for awhile. Longer than I would have liked. But the light did come. I see it in the distance calling me. I will keep walking.
In the weeks since I have spent much time on my knees asking my Heavenly Father to forgive me and heal me of the mess I have made. I pleaded with my Savior for mercy and peace. But in all things I trusted that His will be done. I was prepared for the worst. I was supposed to initially meet with my Stake President around the 1st of the year but the day I called to make an appointment, he had left for Hawaii. Another week passed by. I called for an appointment the following week and he was back in town but swamped from being away. Another week passed until finally tonight was the appointed time.
When I finally arrived tonight he was delayed. I waited almost 30 minutes in the lobby. Scared, losing hope with every passing moment. I felt like someone waiting to be executed. There was a room full of people waiting to meet with various leaders and the mood was light and playful. People were chatting and enjoying themselves. I tried to distract myself but it was hard. My mind wandered aimlessly and of course always ended up back to the worst case scenarios.
Finally, I walked into his office and sat down. I expressed that I was scared and immediately had to wipe away tears from my eyes. He smiled and his eyes were full of love. He asked about my recovery and we discussed many of the things I have been working on. He gave me encouragement and hope. He said that while it is important to continue to take things one day at a time and work hard, there is nothing wrong with acknowledging the good that has happened. He asked about my marriage and my boys. All the while giving counsel and love. Finally he smiled and asked if I needed anything else from him. I stammered and struggled to answer. I mumbled something about not knowing what my standing was with the Lord and with the Church. He smiled and said your standing is secure. You still have some work to do but keep doing what you can. Keep serving and keep reaching out and we will meet again in a few weeks and we will go from there. There are certain things I am not able to do yet. Maybe not for awhile. And that's okay. But there is much I can do and I am so grateful for that.
I expressed my fear again to him about the days leading up. He then shared an analogy with me that really struck me. This community being a mining town, his analogy was about miners. He explained that when you are deep in the mine, sometimes you just have to keep walking down the tunnel and trust that you will eventually get to the opening that leads you out of the hole. He explained that sometimes as you walk, the path will line up perfectly with your destination and for a time you will see the light of that exit. But then there will be a twist or grade in the path that causes you to lose sight of the exit, to lose sight of the light. But your only recourse is to keep walking in the right direction and trust that light will eventually be there. He explained that sometimes we simply have to walk in that darkness, doing our best to go in the right direction, and trust that the light of our Heavenly Father will find us.
I thought about that a lot in the minutes and hours after our meeting. In the past month I spent a lot of time walking in the darkness. Walking in fear. There were times when I would catch glimpses of the light, when I would get confirmation that I was on the right path. Then as soon as I found it, it was gone again. A twist in the path took me away from the light. But I kept walking. Sometimes I spent days at a time in the darkness. But I kept walking. Tonight in the hours leading up to my meeting the darkness so was consuming that I almost couldn't walk anymore. But I kept walking. At times it was all I could do to move an inch at a time. Finally tonight as I sat in the office of my Stake President, the path lined up once again and I could see the light. I am still far from my destination. I honestly don't know how much longer I have to go. But I can see the light of my Heavenly Father. He let me walk in the darkness for awhile. Longer than I would have liked. But the light did come. I see it in the distance calling me. I will keep walking.
Monday, January 12, 2015
Surrendering My Fears
Over the past 7 weeks I have been inundated with fears about the future and the present. It has been emotional and painful at times trying to process them and work through them. A friend shared with me recently that "sunlight is the great sanitizer." I first have to recognize that fear takes me to a dark place because it comes from a dark place. It comes from the enemy of my soul.
President Gordon B. Hinckley once said;
I could go on and on and on but these ones are the ones that have caused me the most pain and distress. I am grateful that many of them no longer hold any power over me. I recognize that I need to process those that still cause me distress. I cannot achieve the peace and serenity of my Savior when I am living in fear. I have to look forward with faith. I no longer want to wallow in fear. I surrender my fears unto God and choose to trust him. I know there will hard days and more fears that will come but I also know that if I continue to surrender them to Him that they will lose their power over me.
I gain much comfort from 2nd Nephi Chapter 31, verse 20;
President Gordon B. Hinckley once said;
When instead of entertaining them, I give up my fears to God and to others they lose a lot of their power and impact. So I decided to make a list of all the fears I have experienced lately. Some of these I have already processed and I am no longer actively struggling with them but I still think it is beneficial to bring them to light so they lose even more of the power they once held over me. Others are very real and still cause me pain today.Let us recognize that fear comes not of God, but rather that this gnawing,
destructive element comes from the adversary of truth and righteousness.
Fear is the antithesis of faith. It is corrosive in its effects, even
deadly.
- That I have spent the last holiday season I will ever spend with my family.
- That I will never get to watch my boys open their presents again on Christmas morning
- That my boys will never recover from hearing that their parents marriage is failing and could fail entirely
- That my boys will blame me for what is going on and it will affect their relationship and love for me
- That my family and friends will blame me and people will no longer want to associate with me
- That I will be excommunicated from the Church
- That I have to be perfect from here on out to have any chance of things working out
- That I really am too broken after years of trying to change
- That I have no friends
- That no one loves me
- That I don't matter to anyone
- That I don't belong to anyone
- That religious leaders will side with my wife when trying to give us counsel
- That because we live in a small town, word will spread of what is going on and impact my job and my work with the community
- That the money, time and energy we spent on separating rooms will make my wife feel obligated to stay separated even if things start to get better
- That I might go crazy
- That people will notice that my wife is no longer "married" to me on Facebook
- That my wife could never possibly love me again
- That I will never get to hold her hand again
- That I will never get to hug her again
- That I will never get to run my fingers through her hair again
- That she doesn't care at all what I am feeling or thinking
I could go on and on and on but these ones are the ones that have caused me the most pain and distress. I am grateful that many of them no longer hold any power over me. I recognize that I need to process those that still cause me distress. I cannot achieve the peace and serenity of my Savior when I am living in fear. I have to look forward with faith. I no longer want to wallow in fear. I surrender my fears unto God and choose to trust him. I know there will hard days and more fears that will come but I also know that if I continue to surrender them to Him that they will lose their power over me.
I gain much comfort from 2nd Nephi Chapter 31, verse 20;
Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.Hope and faith dispel all fears one by one until they are replaced by pure faith in Christ. I long for the day that I can be free of my fears but for now I will continue to surrender them to my Heavenly Father and do my best to have hope.
Friday, January 9, 2015
Tender Mercies: My 4 Year Old Angel
I have received many tender mercies in the last few weeks as I have tried to turn my life over to the Lord and trust Him to get me through this difficult time. I know that there are many people praying for me and my family. I know that those prayers sustain me and have helped me face forward and continue to fight. But probably the most humbling and hopeful thing that I have experienced is the softening of my 4 year old son. He is my youngest and for much of his life I was working 2 jobs, finishing my degree and just gone a great deal. We have never been super close. We have a good relationship but not a strong bond. He has always been a Mama's boy. When he is hurt or sad or just wants to be close to someone, he has always preferred his Mom.
Over the past 3-4 weeks I have started to see that slowly change. He has really started to connect to me on a level that I have never experienced before. The other day I was really having a hard time and he came into the room I used to share with my wife where I was sitting on the bed. I asked him if I could have a hug and he walked over and enfolded himself into my arms. I held on tight for quite a while and he just nestled into me. It was exactly what I needed in that moment. In addition, almost every day when I am getting ready for work and making lunches for myself and my older boys, he will come in and ask me if it is my day off because he wants me to stay home with him. It really makes my day each day to see his desire to be close to me and spend time with me.
But the most powerful moment is the picture you see above. This was a couple nights ago. I am really struggling to sleep in a room by myself. After 16 years sleeping next to my wife it is very lonely and isolating to lay in a dark room by myself. I have not gotten much sleep of late. So the other night I was laying in bed tossing and turning when around midnight my room was flooded with light as the door opened suddenly. There stood my sweet Aaron. He asked if he could hang out with me for a little bit. He proceeded to climb up on my bed and snuggle in next to me. I put a movie on Netflix and we just laid together. He ended up falling asleep nestled into me. He tossed and turned a lot and I really didn't end up getting much sleep but it was worth it to feel close to my son. To feel like the walls and barriers that existed between us are coming down.
One of my sponsors has shared with me often that the one of greatest blessings of his recovery was the way that it changed his relationships with his 2 youngest daughters. How he is more patient and loving and kind. How they have recognized the changes in his behavior and it has created a closeness between them that wasn't there before. I am grateful to start seeing these blessings in my own life. I know the Lord is softening the heart of my sweet son and as I turn to Him and make changes in my life, my son is seeing that and has a greater desire to be close to me.
I know this is a tender mercy from the Lord at a time when I am struggling to feel connected and loved and for that I am extremely grateful.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Coming Full Circle: Some Days Just Suck
So I first started this blog in February of 2013. The night I started was the night that after another discovery of struggles my wife asked me to leave. We were separated for about 10 days. I think she probably wanted it to last longer that time and even when I returned home things were really bad for awhile. The reality is that the first 15 years of our marriage was a train wreck at times. I was actively living in my addiction and letting my lust and fantasies spill over onto my beautiful wife. I was cruel, manipulating and abusive. I put my own desires and needs above hers time and time again. It is painful to think back on some of the things I did. It is embarrassing and shameful. It makes me hate who I was at times. It makes me wonder if that person still lurks inside of me.
Well here we are almost 2 years later and once again my wife and I are separated. It is not entirely a physical separation because we are still in the same house sleeping in separate rooms but it is most definitely an emotional separation, It's humbling to admit that here publicly but I have reached the point in my life that I just don't care what people think anymore. I just want to get better. I just don't want to be broken anymore. I want to be the husband, father and man that I know I am capable of being.
It all started 2 days before Thanksgiving. After noticing her withdraw for a few weeks I finally pushed her to find out what was going on. She didn't want to talk about it but of course I pushed. She finally blurted out, "I think I want a divorce". My entire world just shut down. For the next 2-3 weeks it was all I could do to get out of bed in the morning. I had embarrassing moments at work where co-workers walked in on me sobbing at my desk and I regularly had to run to the bathroom to wash my face. It was hard. Probably the most pain I have felt, ever. In the weeks that followed there were good days and bad. I argued, justified, minimized my past behavior and begged her to change her mind. Some days things were so good it was hard to imagine anything was wrong. Other days were so bad I cried myself to sleep.
Somewhere in the middle of all this we started having some pretty deep conversations late at night. Sometimes they were honest and angry. Sometimes they were longing and hopeful. From one minute to the next I had no idea if she still cared about me at all or if she was just making the best of things so we didn't ruin Christmas for the boys. I met with the Bishop and Stake President. Both counseled the same thing. Give her space, serve her and your family where you can and just do what you need to do, to finally, once and for all, turn your life to the Lord and let him take the reins. You can never overcome your trials, personal, emotional or marital on your own. But He can heal anything.
Christmas came and went and it was mostly magical. But I cried myself to sleep almost every night that week wondering if it was the last Christmas with my family. If I would ever get to watch my boys open their presents again. If I would ever get to spend the holidays again with the woman I love more than anything in this world. It actually ended up being an awesome Christmas. I had a genuinely good day. I got to spend time in the moment. I mostly succeeded in living in the current and not stressing about the future and our kids seemed to be fairly oblivious even though we had been sleeping in separate rooms for over a month at that point.
The day after New Years, we sat down and talked to our boys. It was hard but not as hard as I had made it out to be in my mind. Over the 6 weeks that had passed my wife had changed from wanting divorce to accepting that change can happen and taking things one day at a time. It could certainly still happen but it is no longer an absolute. We are moving forward one day at a time. She is in wait and see mode to see if I am real. To see if she can heal from the mess I made. I am focused on doing anything I can to get better and trying to get outside myself and serve others.
We spent the last few days buying the needed furniture and items to completely, physically separate in the house. She has her room and I have mine. Separate beds, dressers, closets. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Yesterday was an emotional roller coaster. I met with a therapist in the morning and had an amazing meeting. Then I got to spend the entire day with my wife. We shopped and talked and things were mostly good. She got her hair done and it looks amazing. But that ended up being pretty hard for me. This will probably sound silly but my favorite thing to do while spending time with my wife is to run my fingers through her hair. She used to love it and would beg me to do it at times to help her relax or help her fall asleep. It became a routine. Almost a bedtime ritual. It came to be one of the things I cherished most about our relationship. So watching her run her fingers through her hair and become acquainted with her new style was emotionally painful for me. It's hard to explain but it literally hurt my heart to see her running her fingers through her hair and realize I didn't get to do that anymore.
Then later when we got home we helped each other setup the new beds and bedding. Then I made the slow walk to my new upstairs bedroom and did my best to sleep. It is always difficult to sleep in an unfamiliar room. It is infinitely more difficult when the reality of your circumstances presses down on your chest as you attempt to sleep. It was a hard night and a hard morning. I was able to put on a happy face and go to work and interact with some people I rely on for support who have walked a similar path. The counsel is always the same. "Let Go and Let God." Trust Him and focus on getting better. I know that's what I need to do. And most days recently I have done a pretty good job of it. I have been able to get outside myself, serve others, serve my family and focus 100% on recovery. I have attended daily meetings, talked to numerous sponsors and support people and tried to be true. I know the Lord is sustaining me. I know He is working a change in my heart. I truly believe that. But the reality is that I am human and some days I just don't have it in me to completely trust Him. I want to let go and let God.... But some days just suck...
Tim
Well here we are almost 2 years later and once again my wife and I are separated. It is not entirely a physical separation because we are still in the same house sleeping in separate rooms but it is most definitely an emotional separation, It's humbling to admit that here publicly but I have reached the point in my life that I just don't care what people think anymore. I just want to get better. I just don't want to be broken anymore. I want to be the husband, father and man that I know I am capable of being.
It all started 2 days before Thanksgiving. After noticing her withdraw for a few weeks I finally pushed her to find out what was going on. She didn't want to talk about it but of course I pushed. She finally blurted out, "I think I want a divorce". My entire world just shut down. For the next 2-3 weeks it was all I could do to get out of bed in the morning. I had embarrassing moments at work where co-workers walked in on me sobbing at my desk and I regularly had to run to the bathroom to wash my face. It was hard. Probably the most pain I have felt, ever. In the weeks that followed there were good days and bad. I argued, justified, minimized my past behavior and begged her to change her mind. Some days things were so good it was hard to imagine anything was wrong. Other days were so bad I cried myself to sleep.
Somewhere in the middle of all this we started having some pretty deep conversations late at night. Sometimes they were honest and angry. Sometimes they were longing and hopeful. From one minute to the next I had no idea if she still cared about me at all or if she was just making the best of things so we didn't ruin Christmas for the boys. I met with the Bishop and Stake President. Both counseled the same thing. Give her space, serve her and your family where you can and just do what you need to do, to finally, once and for all, turn your life to the Lord and let him take the reins. You can never overcome your trials, personal, emotional or marital on your own. But He can heal anything.
Christmas came and went and it was mostly magical. But I cried myself to sleep almost every night that week wondering if it was the last Christmas with my family. If I would ever get to watch my boys open their presents again. If I would ever get to spend the holidays again with the woman I love more than anything in this world. It actually ended up being an awesome Christmas. I had a genuinely good day. I got to spend time in the moment. I mostly succeeded in living in the current and not stressing about the future and our kids seemed to be fairly oblivious even though we had been sleeping in separate rooms for over a month at that point.
The day after New Years, we sat down and talked to our boys. It was hard but not as hard as I had made it out to be in my mind. Over the 6 weeks that had passed my wife had changed from wanting divorce to accepting that change can happen and taking things one day at a time. It could certainly still happen but it is no longer an absolute. We are moving forward one day at a time. She is in wait and see mode to see if I am real. To see if she can heal from the mess I made. I am focused on doing anything I can to get better and trying to get outside myself and serve others.
We spent the last few days buying the needed furniture and items to completely, physically separate in the house. She has her room and I have mine. Separate beds, dressers, closets. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Yesterday was an emotional roller coaster. I met with a therapist in the morning and had an amazing meeting. Then I got to spend the entire day with my wife. We shopped and talked and things were mostly good. She got her hair done and it looks amazing. But that ended up being pretty hard for me. This will probably sound silly but my favorite thing to do while spending time with my wife is to run my fingers through her hair. She used to love it and would beg me to do it at times to help her relax or help her fall asleep. It became a routine. Almost a bedtime ritual. It came to be one of the things I cherished most about our relationship. So watching her run her fingers through her hair and become acquainted with her new style was emotionally painful for me. It's hard to explain but it literally hurt my heart to see her running her fingers through her hair and realize I didn't get to do that anymore.
Then later when we got home we helped each other setup the new beds and bedding. Then I made the slow walk to my new upstairs bedroom and did my best to sleep. It is always difficult to sleep in an unfamiliar room. It is infinitely more difficult when the reality of your circumstances presses down on your chest as you attempt to sleep. It was a hard night and a hard morning. I was able to put on a happy face and go to work and interact with some people I rely on for support who have walked a similar path. The counsel is always the same. "Let Go and Let God." Trust Him and focus on getting better. I know that's what I need to do. And most days recently I have done a pretty good job of it. I have been able to get outside myself, serve others, serve my family and focus 100% on recovery. I have attended daily meetings, talked to numerous sponsors and support people and tried to be true. I know the Lord is sustaining me. I know He is working a change in my heart. I truly believe that. But the reality is that I am human and some days I just don't have it in me to completely trust Him. I want to let go and let God.... But some days just suck...
Tim
Friday, January 2, 2015
Will You Be My Friend?
The last few weeks have been difficult ones. I have been doing a lot of self reflection and self analysis. I have been working the Addo online program as well as attending/calling into 3 different types of 12 Step programs. A very dear friend of mine has always counseled that the best way to find real, lasting recovery is to be a 'seeker of knowledge'. There is no one 'right way' to find lasting recovery. We all work differently and heal differently. Some folks get to their point of no return faster, others, like me, have to fail over and over to finally be broken. The more knowledge about my condition I can find. The more honest shares from people who are walking that path I can hear and the more of my life I am willing to dedicate to getting better, the more lasting my recovery can become.
Even though it has been painful, I have learned a lot about myself lately. One of the biggest lessons I have learned is that I have a deep, powerful longing to matter to people. I care immensely and intensely what people think about me and if they like me. I obsess about if my blog is getting traffic and if people are leaving comments. I almost deleted my Facebook because I felt like no one was interacting with me there at times and it was painful to feel that way.
As I peeled back layers I came to understand how deep this longing is. As I thought long and hard about my addictive behaviors and my methods for acting out I came to realize that even my addiction is based in this deep desire for acceptance. I have never been much of a 'viewer'. That is not to say that images can't trigger me and that I haven't indulged at times, because I have. But my deeper, darker indulgences always involved calling adult phone lines, visiting Internet chat sites and trying to connect. Sometimes it was sexual in nature, but oftentimes it was just me creating a fantasy life where I had more value and people liked me better. In this fantasy life I was always more physically fit and attractive, more financially secure and much, much more confident. I truly believed that for brief periods of time that these fantasies were giving me real connection. That it was helping me find acceptance and love. In reality it was causing me to drift further and further away from the real people in my life who really did rely on me and love me.
I made a startling realization recently. I have very few truly close friends. I honestly can't think of any. I have many acquaintances and co-workers and family members. But there is almost no one in my life that I would feel completely comfortable calling whether I needed a shoulder to cry on or just wanted to catch a movie. Even in my own family. I am very close to my Mom and can talk to her about anything. I am fairly close to one brother but my relationships with my other siblings have never been strong.
One of the hardest things in life is to look at yourself in the mirror and realize that you don't really have any friends. And recognize that the reason for this is because you have always been too afraid to be honest with yourself. To be truly honest and vulnerable with others. I have spent so much of my life living in fantasy that the real me has gotten lost somewhere in the void. Half in real life and half disconnected from reality.
I am coming to know and understand that the most powerful connection in my life is that with my Heavenly Father and my Savior. I truly am a child of God and that defines me first and foremost. That has to be the most important relationship I have. His love and support will sustain me even when all other relationships fail or drift apart. It is and needs to remain the cornerstone of everything I do. I believe that. I know that.
But I am human and I still want to feel connected and loved by others. I want to be honest, I want to be vulnerable. I want people to see me for who I am, strengths, weaknesses, scars and all and still see value in me. I want to matter to people.
Will you be my friend?
Even though it has been painful, I have learned a lot about myself lately. One of the biggest lessons I have learned is that I have a deep, powerful longing to matter to people. I care immensely and intensely what people think about me and if they like me. I obsess about if my blog is getting traffic and if people are leaving comments. I almost deleted my Facebook because I felt like no one was interacting with me there at times and it was painful to feel that way.
As I peeled back layers I came to understand how deep this longing is. As I thought long and hard about my addictive behaviors and my methods for acting out I came to realize that even my addiction is based in this deep desire for acceptance. I have never been much of a 'viewer'. That is not to say that images can't trigger me and that I haven't indulged at times, because I have. But my deeper, darker indulgences always involved calling adult phone lines, visiting Internet chat sites and trying to connect. Sometimes it was sexual in nature, but oftentimes it was just me creating a fantasy life where I had more value and people liked me better. In this fantasy life I was always more physically fit and attractive, more financially secure and much, much more confident. I truly believed that for brief periods of time that these fantasies were giving me real connection. That it was helping me find acceptance and love. In reality it was causing me to drift further and further away from the real people in my life who really did rely on me and love me.
I made a startling realization recently. I have very few truly close friends. I honestly can't think of any. I have many acquaintances and co-workers and family members. But there is almost no one in my life that I would feel completely comfortable calling whether I needed a shoulder to cry on or just wanted to catch a movie. Even in my own family. I am very close to my Mom and can talk to her about anything. I am fairly close to one brother but my relationships with my other siblings have never been strong.
One of the hardest things in life is to look at yourself in the mirror and realize that you don't really have any friends. And recognize that the reason for this is because you have always been too afraid to be honest with yourself. To be truly honest and vulnerable with others. I have spent so much of my life living in fantasy that the real me has gotten lost somewhere in the void. Half in real life and half disconnected from reality.
I am coming to know and understand that the most powerful connection in my life is that with my Heavenly Father and my Savior. I truly am a child of God and that defines me first and foremost. That has to be the most important relationship I have. His love and support will sustain me even when all other relationships fail or drift apart. It is and needs to remain the cornerstone of everything I do. I believe that. I know that.
But I am human and I still want to feel connected and loved by others. I want to be honest, I want to be vulnerable. I want people to see me for who I am, strengths, weaknesses, scars and all and still see value in me. I want to matter to people.
Will you be my friend?
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