Journal: The Holiday whirlwind and a recommitment.

It feels like the last 3 weeks have flown by with record speed. Between the holidays, and working 2 different jobs in retail plus getting ready for some possible life changes, I have struggled at times to catch my breath. My recovery efforts have definitely suffered. That is not to say that I have fallen off the wagon or slipped, but I could definitely be doing more than I have. Christmas was wonderful and it has been great to spend some time with my family but it is time to get back to work.

Things haven't been all bad, though. I am progressing well with Step 9 and have had some wonderful opportunities to apologize and make amends for past mistakes. From a distance, Step 9 always seemed horrifying, but after working the prior steps to prepare for the process, things have gone well. It is freeing to be able to just say; "Hey, I'm really sorry for the way I treated you, it was wrong and I recognize that." Due to the fact that I have been open about my recovery story and process, the vast majority of my friends and family know that I am working a 12 Step program, but I have tried hard to not use that as a crutch when making amends. It has made the conversations a lot easier, though. Just one more plug for openness making the entire process simpler once I broke down the barrier of fear and shame.

Ultimately though, I know that if I don't get back on track, I will start to plateau. Recovery is a program of action and it just doesn't work to stand still. Eventually if I am not moving forward, I will start to move backwards. So I am here today to be accountable, and to recommit to doing all the little things that I need to do. One of those things is using this space to be open and honest about my efforts. Both when things are good, and when they aren't.

So I am committing to blog more, to share more, to connect more and to get back into the healthy routines that have helped me move forward in the past.

I am looking forward to 2014. 2013 was filled with growth and pain, but there is something extremely exciting about a new year, a sober year, one day at a time.

~~~ Tim

Choosing to Build and Nurture Faith

Things have been a bit of an adventure lately. It seems like every year around the holidays, things tend to get stressful and crazy. Inevitably, something goes wrong with our car. We struggle to manage the budget to try to provide a nice Christmas for our own family while also trying to find a way to donate and help out those less fortunate. Its a wonderful time of year, but also a busy, stressful and sometimes very trigger filled time.

The last few weeks have been pretty up and down for me. I have been really great at times, but also vulnerable and needy at times. Given the nature of the financial stress created by my last major relapse, I have really wanted to try to make Christmas wonderful for my family to help make up for the struggles of the last year. Focusing time and energy on this has definitely affected my recovery efforts at times.

Sunday morning I ran across a talk in my dailies that really gave me some perspective so I wanted to share some thoughts here.

The talk is titled; Faith---the Choice is Yours, by Richard C. Edgley. He talks at length about the power of faith, and how it can move mountains, both physical, emotional and spiritual. Early on in his message, he shared something that really hit me;

Because of the conflicts and challenges we face in today’s world, I wish to suggest a single choice—a choice of peace and protection and a choice that is appropriate for all. That choice is faith.

I absolutely love that he teaches that faith is a choice! It is so easy at times to think, "Oh man, if only I had faith as the Brother of Jared..." But the thing is, faith is something we choose, feed, nurture and help to grow. It is something we have to choose.

He explains this concept in greater detail;

The Savior said, “Come unto me” (Matthew 11:28) and “Knock, and it shall be [given] you” (Matthew 7:7). These are action verbs—come, knock. They are choices. So I say, choose faith. Choose faith over doubt, choose faith over fear, choose faith over the unknown and the unseen, and choose faith over pessimism.

I think it is so important to remind ourselves, and for me, myself that faith is a choice. It does take action, it takes work. As an addict, it is easy to fall into "Why me?" mode. If only I had more.... sobriety, hope, faith, support, money, success, love etc. It can be a deadly cycle. Focusing constantly on what I don't have, what I am lacking. It is easy to forget that the way out is not a miraculous change, but rather begins with a simple choice. The choice to have faith, and to act upon that faith through study, prayer, and action.

I once saw a quote that said;

Even when opportunity comes knocking, you still have to get up and answer the door.

Such is the nature of faith. The opportunities to come closer to the Savior are there. I just have to get off my butt and take advantage of them.

Towards the end of his message, Brother Edgley shares a testimony that I found particularly important for those of us who struggle with addiction, depression and despair;

I have never witnessed the removal of an actual mountain. But because of faith I have seen a mountain of doubt and despair removed and replaced with hope and optimism. Because of faith I have personally witnessed a mountain of sin replaced with repentance and forgiveness. And because of faith I have personally witnessed a mountain of pain replaced with peace, hope, and gratitude. Yes, I have seen mountains removed.

I don't have all the answers and I don't know tomorrow brings, but today I am going to do my best to recognize and understand that my faith is a choice.

Thanks for listening.

~~~ Tim

Broadening My Horizons

So for the past 4 years I have been attending LDS Addiction Recovery meetings pretty much weekly.  It has been a great experience and I have made many wonderful friends.  It became a comfort zone and place that I enjoyed being.  It was my safe place.  Over that time period I briefly tried seeing a therapist but have resisted attending other groups that were not 100% sponsored by the LDS Church.  I reasoned that I had what I needed and I didn't need anything else.

Well last night I decided to jump out of my comfort zone a little bit and attend my very first SA meeting.  SA, if you are not familiar, is Sexaholics Anonymous, and it is patterned after the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous.  Well if I am being honest, I didn't really decide on my own to attend.  Sidreis wanted to attend and asked me to go with her and I agreed.  When we first arrived we were among the first people in the room.  Everyone was very friendly and kind.  We sat down and watched as people started pouring in.  It was more people than I have ever seen in an LDS PASG room.  And to my pleasant surprise, 2 men that I know very well from my own 12 Step meetings ended up attending including one of my close friends and supporters who was actually the brother that listened to my step 5.  I immediately felt at home and as if I was among friends.

Things were different but the same.  There are many different versions of the 12 Steps out there but they all ultimately stem from the original 12 Steps written for AA many, many years ago.  So while the wording was different, it was still the same.  As we went around the room there were a few things that really stuck out at me.

First off.  There is a great deal more accountability in the SA circle.  Instead of just saying your name and maybe admitting to some level of addiction.  People are asked to share their name, addiction, how many phone calls or contacts they had with others in recovery that week and what, if any, step work they accomplished that week.  This is very different from what I am accustomed too where you can pass with just saying your name and volunteering nothing at all about yourself.

Secondly, they talked NON-STOP about the importance of sponsorship.  There was even a moment where numerous people raised their hands expressing a willingness to be sponsors and had various members of the group share how sponsorship had enabled them to embrace the program and gain sobriety and recovery.

Thirdly, they actually spend a lot of time helping you understand what exactly sobriety is.  This is a concept that I think a  lot of people struggle with.  Do I restart my sobriety?  Was it really a slip? Does it even matter?  I know that I struggled a lot with this in my early days of recovery. 

The only thing I didn't like, is they take all first timers into a room with a couple veterans and have a "new members meeting."  I am sure it is an awesome experience for someone who is completely new to recovery and 12 step but it was a little odd.  Still  a good experience and got to know some good men, I just would have liked to have been part of the group sharing instead.

Ultimately the greatest lesson I learned is that all good things come from God.  Anything that leads me towards him and gives me additional resources to better my recovery and bring me closer to my Heavenly Father is a good thing.  More recovery tools and recovery friends are always a good thing.  Satan has tried for decades to make me feel alone, like I am the only one that struggles.  So I love hearing stories similar to mine.  I love catching him in his lies and reaffirming that I am not broken or lost or beyond hope.  I have found it many times in LDS PASG meetings and last night I found it again in SA.  It was wonderful to be amongst friends.

~~~ Tim

Saturday Update

I committed earlier this week to check back in and start using my blog more frequently again.  When I first created this space it was intended to be an online journal.  I am terrible at writing in a journal, plus after 20+ years of heavy computer and cash register usage, I am well on my way to severe carpal tunnel.  My hand sometimes spasms and gets stuck in a semi-claw when I write too much with pen or pencil.  So this was my solution.

Overall it has been a great week.  Not a perfect week but an good one.  No significant triggers or struggles.  Still haven't been as great at my dailies as I would like but I made serious progress this week.  My goal every morning is to read something from the Scriptures or General Conference and find something uplifting or powerful in what I study to share with my support list.  This sometimes leads to my dailies going on much longer than I intended because I haven't run across the right message to share with others to both inspire them and help me move forward and have a great day. 

The only negative this week was that I got a cold Thursday evening and missed my 12 Step meeting.  The weather turned cold almost overnight here and I stupidly spent 2 hours out in the elements just wearing a light fleece vest while working on my car .  Even though it was a bad experience, it actually became something of a learning metaphor for me. 

When I don't do my dailies and connect with others and get outside myself, I don't build up my armor.  So I end up out in the elements unprepared and freezing cold.  This leads to me getting sick and eventually slipping.  That is exactly what happened to me on Thursday.  I didn't make good decisions and I ended up suffering as a result.  Fortunately a cold can be overcome with a good night's sleep and some basic meds.  Poor decisions that lead me towards addiction are harder to overcome. 

It amazes me how often I see the 12 Steps and recovery in my daily life when I am paying attention.  It truly is a program not just to overcome addiction but just to become a better person and come closer to my Father in Heaven.

I am looking forward to a wonderful Thanksgiving week.  To kick things off I just want to say that I am extremely grateful for my Father in Heaven, my Savior and his Atonement that helps me overcome my weaknesses.  For my family, both extended and immediate and for the many blessings I have received.  I have a good friend in recovery who carries a gratitude list in his pocket at all times because he feels that when he is focused on the many things in his life that he has to be thankful for, he doesn't focus on his addiction.  What a wonderful example. 

I am also grateful for all of you.  Blogging has been a great way to help me feel connected and part of a group instead of stuck in isolation. 

Thanks for listening

~~~ Tim

Getting Out of a Funk

So I have been in a bit of a funk lately.  Nothing really in particular.  I haven't slipped or felt especially triggered.  I just kinda feel 'blah' at times.  Some days are better than others and I have definitely had some amazing things happen to me lately, but I struggle at times to get consistent traction in my recovery efforts.  Some of it is routine.  It is amazing how easy it is to get out of good habits.  I can start something new in my dailies and do awesome at it for 3-4 weeks and with one missed day, suddenly it becomes difficult to start back up again.

Part of that funk has been avoiding the blogs.  I haven't written on mine much and I haven't read much of what anyone else had to say either.  I recognize the benefit from sharing and connecting with others, its just so easy to get out of the habit of doing it.  So just being here writing is part of a conscious effort to get outside my box and reach out and extend myself a little bit.

One other thing that contributed to my funk is running out of conference talks.  I know that sounds crazy but I listen to 2-3 talks a day sometimes so I burned through the recent conference pretty quickly.  I have read or listened to every single talk at least once and have read most of my favorites 2-3 times.  So some days I find myself sitting there spending 15+ minutes just scrolling through the list looking for a talk to read. 

On Saturday I happened across a talk by President Uchtdorf that really kind of opened my eyes a little and help me see the light through the fog.  The solution, as it tends to be with gospel concepts, was much simpler than I expected it to be.

The talk was given in 2009 and is called The Love of God.  There was one particular aspect that really spoke to me.  It really gave me some motivation to start to move forward, or at least increase my speed a little bit;

My dear brothers and sisters, don’t get discouraged if you stumble at times. Don’t feel downcast or despair if you don’t feel worthy to be a disciple of Christ at all times. The first step to walking in righteousness is simply to try. We must try to believe. Try to learn of God: read the scriptures; study the words of His latter-day prophets; choose to listen to the Father, and do the things He asks of us. Try and keep on trying until that which seems difficult becomes possible—and that which seems only possible becomes habit and a real part of you.

As I read this I started to understand.  Everyone has bad days, bad weeks, struggles and trials.  It is part of life.  The fact that I have been in a funk doesn't mean that I have failed or that I am a bad person.  In fact, recognizing that I have been in a funk is actually a sign that I don't want to be here.  For so many years I just embraced the funk and sunk slowly into the darkness.  

I especially love the line that I underlined above.  Sometimes the answer is just to try.  To stop sitting in the crap and try.  It doesn't have to be anything earth-shattering or amazing, it just takes effort.  Little by little.  Step by step, moving forward.  

I am reminded of a quote I read recently;

“It doesn’t matter how slowly you go-so long as you do not stop.”-Confucius

Recovery and life is a long process. Sometimes I am capable of moving very quickly, taking large steps and bounds down the path, other times it is all I can do to lift my feet off the ground, but what really matters is if I am trying. It isn't a race, I just have to keep moving!
I am committing to move forward. I am also committing to check back in before the end of this week with an update on how I am doing. Connection is power my friends!

Thanks for listening

~~~ Tim 

"That They Do Always Remember Him"

Recently as part of my daily personal study I have been studying a lot about the Sacrament.  I have been told my entire life that every Sunday is like a new opportunity to be feel the cleansing power that occurs at Baptism.  To place my mistakes, missteps and weaknesses on the altar of the Atonement and face forward once again.  But I am not sure that I have ever really understood this concept.  Despite hearing messages like this my entire life I still hear people say occasionally; "Wouldn't be it great to be baptized again and have that clean slate, to know that you are starting over?"  And even though I should know that isn't necessary, there has always been a part of me that felt drawn to that concept. 

There are tons of great resources out there about the Sacrament.  A couple of the ones that really spoke to me were talks given at recent sessions of General Conference.  The first is titled; Blessings of the Sacrament by Elder Don R. Clarke and was given in October 2012.    He talks about how he first started to gain a testimony of the power of the Sacrament in his youth when one of his Young Men's leaders challenged him each Sunday to write down two things that he was thinking about during the administration of the Sacrament.  This opportunity for accountability led to him focusing more and more on the Savior and having a greater appreciation of the Sacrament.  This is a concept that we have implemented in our family.  Every Sunday after Church when we sit down to Sunday dinner, we go around the table and discuss the things we thought about.  We only recently started it but I think it has been good for all of us to really focus during that important period of Church.

The second talk that really spoke to me on this subject was given by Elder Dallin H. Oaks in October of 2008.  The title of his message is; Sacrament Meeting and the Sacrament.  He said something in his talk that really jumped off the page at me.  Words that I have heard thousands of times in my life but never seemed to understand;

When we partake of the sacrament, we make a sacred covenant that we will always remember the Savior. How sad to see persons obviously violating that covenant in the very meeting where they are making it.

Every single Sunday that we partake of the Sacrament, we covenant that we will always remember him.  It is right there in the prayer over the water that most of us have probably heard countless times;  that they do always remember him, that they may have his Spirit to be with them.  Yet as Elder Oaks pointedly explains, sometimes we don't even make it out of the meeting before it slips our mind.  That is not to say that perfection should be expected.  We aren't perfect, but I know for myself that I can do better.  

I think back to the many times in my life when I indulged in my addiction, succumbed to pride, let my character weaknesses run wild and selfishly put my own needs before those around me.  Would I have acted the same if I thought to remember the Savior?  If turning my attention to him had filled me with the Spirit as has been promised?

Now I know that I can't live life facing backwards.  The mistakes in my past are there to learn from, grow beyond and put behind me.  But I know that I can do better going forward.  I can focus more during the administration of the Sacrament, let my thoughts be filled with gratitude for my Savior instead of sports, friends or even Church calling responsibilities in the later meetings of the day.  Sometimes the things that get in the way are good things, but we only get one chance each week to truly access the Atonement and renew those covenants. 

Facing the Savior is the answer to any problem we can encounter in our lives.  No matter how great or trivial.  I am reminded of one of my all time favorite scriptures from the New Testament.  It is found in John chapter 14, verse 18; 

I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

He will always come when I call.  When I face him, when I remember him.  If he is the focus of my life, I can never go astray.  

~~~ Tim

10,000

When I created this blog back in February, I really didn't know what to expect. In fact my original plan was to make it private and just use it as an online journal of sorts and then down the road when I was "better", I would unveil my story to the world. This was something I struggled with a lot early on. I couldn't be open or honest with anyone about anything until I had moved forward and could come from a position of strength.

Ultimately I started to see the value of the community and interacting with other bloggers and community members. I found that I gained strength and hope through honesty and openly sharing with others. What had started out exceedingly private ended up becoming extremely public as I would eventually make my story and my entire journey public.

So here we are almost 9 months later and things are wonderful. Far from perfect but still wonderful. And to my surprise, a couple days ago I reached 10,000 page views. This is pretty humbling to me that people would see enough value in what I had to share that my blog would generate that much traffic.

It is just a number, but it inspires me to keep going, to keep sharing and to keep being honest. There is power and strength in honesty. We truly are only as sick as our secrets.

Thanks for sharing my journey!

~~~ Tim

Dear Anonymous Daughter of God

I have recently started working my Step 9.  Step 9 of course asks us to make amends to those we have wronged over the course our addiction and the waves of behavior it can create.  In most cases, this can be done.  Friends, family, co-workers etc.  Many have been affected and in most instances can be contacted.  In my case however there is one unique aspect of my addiction that I have had trouble determining how to approach.

I grew up before the "internet generation" existed.  I did not have regular access to the internet until I was 21 years old and had returned home from my mission.  My earliest exposure to things of a sexual nature was not online, but rather on the telephone via adult phone lines.  From about the time I turned 14 years old, I had a bedroom in the basement of my home.  It was just my older brother and I down there.  My older sister was away at college and my parents and younger siblings were upstairs.  This meant that late at night I had free reign to watch the television in my room and in the family room just outside the hallway to my room.  This meant that occasionally I was exposed to adult content without parental supervision.  Occasionally I would get sucked into this content but more often than not it wasn't the inappropriate movies that sucked me in, rather it was the late night commercials aimed at adults that became my downfall.

In the late evening hours, even during normally appropriate programming, there would be regular commercials for adult phone lines.  They were everywhere.  It didn't matter the channel, only the time of day.  Before long I was calling on a regular basis.  I ran up outrageous phone bills and created financial burdens for my family.  It was a pattern that I would battle for many years and still battle at times.  These adult lines opened my eyes to things I had never dreamed were out there.  I was quickly immersed and entrapped.

Later in life I transitioned to chat rooms and online chat services.  The medium was different but the results the same.   I would spend hours indulging.  In my early 20's I would lose entire days to anonymous chat and fantasy.  Therein lies difficult thing about this.  Even though it involved real people, it was always anonymous.  I would create fake chat handles and identities, anything and everything but the truth.  It was a medium to create the me that I thought people would like since I was unhappy with the real me.  But now as I attempt to right the wrongs I have created and apologize to those who were affected by my behavior, I have no way to contact any of these anonymous people.  I never knew their real names, just as they never knew mine.  For a long time I had just decided not to do anything.  I couldn't contact them and they would certainly never read anything I could possibly write.  Then I had an idea.  I can write a letter and publish it on my blog.  So here goes.

Dear Anonymous Daughter of God

Hi there.  My name is Tim.  You never knew that because I didn't want you to know the real me.  When we talked I was lying, about everything.  I told you anything and everything that I thought would make you like me.  I was afraid to let you into the real me because I didn't like the real me very much so I figured you wouldn't like him either.  First off I want to say that I am sorry.  I said and did things that were inappropriate and wrong.  I treated you like an object of desire instead of a human being of worth and value.

Most of all I want you to know that I am a son of God.  I didn't really used to understand that, but I do now.  It has changed my outlook on myself and others.  I know that my heritage is divine and that is what matters most about me.  Not my height, weight or hair color.  Not my job, my house or my car.

I also want you to know that you are a daughter of God.  He loves you and is looking out for you.  If you haven't found Him and recognized His hand in your life, I want you to know that He is there.  He is ALWAYS there.  No matter how many poor decisions we make or wrong turns we take, he is still with us.  He will never leave us alone and never give up on us.  He never gave up on me and he will never give up on you. 

Finally, I want you to know that I love you.  Not in a physical or carnal way like I pretended to before, but in a spiritual and eternal way.  You are my sister and we are children of the same loving God..  I have prayed for you and I will continue to pray for you. 

I know that one day I will be able to see you face to face, whether in this life or the next, and say that I am sorry in person.  But for now, please know that you are loved and that you are never alone.

Humbly yours,

Tim

God's Greatest Creation: Me

Over the course of my recovery, one of the greatest lessons I have had to learn time and time again, is that one of the keys to recovery is understanding who I am. Divine nature, the knowledge that I truly am a spiritual child of a loving God, is so important to overcoming trials in life. It is a lesson that I have had to learn and re-learn and remember often. Recently while looking for a spiritual lift at work, I ran across a short video on the Mormon Channel that perfectly expounds on this topic and I wanted to share it here.

The excerpt is from a talk by Elder Nelson given at General Conference in April 2012, titled; Thanks Be To God

I know that I am a child of God. I know that as I come closer to him, he will give me greater strength to overcome my trials and move forward. This is true for each and every one of us. He loves us and wants to be in our lives, we just have to invite him in.

~~~ Tim

Lessons From General Conference: Part 1

I posted last week about my preparations for General Conference and promised to check back with some of the lessons I learned.  It was an amazing weekend.  My wife was out of town so I took vacation to be home with the kids and for the first time in many years, my schedule was completely clear for Conference weekend, allowing me to watch every session live. It made for an amazing weekend and there were many messages that touched me.  I have chosen a few to share with you all.

One of my goals in any Conference session since I began recovery is to look for messages and ideas that will help strengthen my recovery and my relationship with my Heavenly Father and the Savior.  This came across loud and clear to me during the Priesthood Session during the amazing message of President Uchtdorf.  His talk was; You Can Do It Now.  It was amazing message that speaks directly to all who struggle with addiction or ongoing character weaknesses. He spoke of being skiing with his grandson and falling down on the slopes. He described his embarrassment and how difficult it was to find the strength to get back up. He explained how this experience of falling in our endeavors is something that all of us experience and can be a huge stumbling block;

"No one likes to fail. And we particularly don’t like it when others—especially those we love—see us fail. We all want to be respected and esteemed. We want to be champions. But we mortals do not become champions without effort and discipline or without making mistakes."

Anyone who has lived in addiction knows what it is like to fail.  To disappoint loved ones, to lose sobriety, to lose hope.  I have been there many times in my life.  Fallen again, groveling in the dirt trying to find the strength or even the desire to get back up and be honest about my failures with those I love.  It is HARD and so discouraging.  But there IS hope.   President Uchtdorf goes on to bear powerful testimony that we CAN do it.  We can find hope and strength through the Savior;

"My dear brethren, my dear friends, there will be times when you think you cannot continue on. Trust the Savior and His love. With faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and the power and hope of the restored gospel, you will be able to walk tall and continue on."

Another message that seemed to speak almost directly to me was the amazing message of Elder Richard G. Scott titled; Personal Strength Through The Atonement of Jesus Christ.  He spoke at length about how we all need the Atonement. He also talked about something that has plagued me for much of my life. The attempts of Satan to use my past mistakes to tear me down and make me feel inadequate. Elder Scott spoke at length about how we can overcome this weapon of the adversary;

"Many of us have allowed weakness to develop in our character. Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, we, like the Ammonites, can build spiritual fortifications between ourselves and any past mistakes that Satan attempts to exploit. The spiritual protections built around the Ammonite fathers blessed and strengthened themselves, their families, their country, and future generations. The same can be true with us."

I absolutely love his word choices here. "past mistakes that Satan attempts to exploit."  Because that is exactly what it is.  Satan knows that the Atonement can cleanse us of our mistakes and failures.  But he also knows that we are full of doubt and fear.  He uses this to exploit.  "You can't do it.  You are the worst, you will never get there."   He goes on to bear powerful testimony of how the real solution to overcoming these murmuring of Satan is the be filled with the love of our Father in Heaven and faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ; 

"Because your Father in Heaven loves you profoundly, the Atonement of Jesus Christ makes that strength possible. Isn’t it wonderful? Many of you have felt the burden of poor choices, and each of you can feel the elevating power of the Lord’s forgiveness, mercy, and strength."

No matter how much power Satan attempts to exert over us, the answer will always be to turn to the Lord.  He has already overcome all, he has already overcome Satan and his entire bag of tricks.  We just have to be humble enough to face him and let him take over.  

I have so much more to share, I think I will have to write a part 2 here in a few days.  Conference was so amazing that one little blog post could never do it justice.  Two probably won't either but we'll give it a shot. 

~~~ Tim

The Conference Challenge: Part 2

In April,I introduced you all to the General Conference Challenge.  It was first given to my family by our home teacher a year or two back.  I have found it to be very inspiring and beneficial to my recovery efforts and overall relationship with the Savior.  I will be doing it again this weekend.

Just a refresher for those of you who don't remember;

So I wanted to give you a challenge!  About a year ago our Home Teacher challenged us to watch Conference weekend with questions in mind.  He actually challenged us to write down at least 3 questions that we needed inspiration and help with in our lives.  He bore testimony that if we would do this diligently and prayerfully that we would receive answers to the questions.  I know this to be true.  As members of the restored Church of Jesus Christ we have access to revelation to know the Lord's will.  This weekend is one of those opportunities.  So seize the day my friends!  Join me in seeking answers to the problems that weigh us down and cause us stress.  Our Heavenly Father will give us guidance.
Looking forward to a great conference weekend!

I am so blessed to be a member of a Church that is led by a Prophet of God and to have the opportunity to hear wonderful and uplifting messages every 6 months.  I am preparing myself to be inspired and uplifted.  I will re-visit this next week with my thoughts and some of what I learned

~~~ Tim

Journal: Stressbomb!

It has been a hectic 10 days. This is one of the most stressful weeks of the year for me at work. I manage the backroom and inventory for a large retail store and yesterday was our annual inventory audit. This audit is a huge part of what my company pays me for. Overall I felt like we were fairly well prepared but being that it is an annual event and the bonuses and job security of my boss can depend on the results, it is still pretty stressful. I ended up working long days leading up, including working on my day off. Sleep was harder and harder to come by

Stress is typically not a huge trigger for me, I actually tend to struggle more when I am bored and listless than when I am super busy. Because of this, I sometimes fail to recognize when I am in its grasp. It happens slowly, its not like I woke up one morning and was under unbearable stress. It comes on little by little, poking and prodding at defenses and routines until it nestles its way in. Dailies become lackluster, prayers become quick and repetitive and reaching out to support becomes less and less frequent. The scriptures teach us well that it is by small and simple things that great things come to pass, but it is important to remember that it is also through small and simple means that great things are undone.

One thing that kept me sane was my support system. I had my regularly scheduled meeting with my Bishop on Tuesday and it was actually in his office that I came to the realization, that yes, I am really dealing with some stress right now. It made me grateful for routines because if I had not had a regularly scheduled appointment, I am confident that I would not have gone in.

The other thing that keeps me sane is the texts and support from my friends in recovery. I am typically pretty good about reaching out, so when I slack off, they recognize it. I got some wonderful messages of support this week to help keep me from falling completely off course.

There is so much to be grateful for. After this weekend, life slows down again somewhat and I am actually on paid vacation at both my jobs next week. I really don't have much planned. Sidreis is going to Idaho so I get to relax at home with the kids and just breathe. I am also really excited for General Conference in about 10 days. It will be the perfect way to replenish the oil in my lamp and keep me going.

Most of all I am grateful that I am not alone. I am reminded of a quote I ran across from President Monson given at General Conference back in 1987;

"It is imperative that we recognize that whatever has happened to us has happened to others. They have coped and so must we. We are not alone. Heavenly Father's help is near."

There is always help at hand.

Red Flags: Selfishness

I have been thinking a lot lately about what to share and not a lot has been coming to me.  Then over this past weekend I had an experience that I not only wanted to share here, but gave me a great idea for a regular feature.  I am going to call this concept, 'Red Flags'.  More time in recovery doesn't mean perfection, or being cured, or having it made, but it has helped me to be a little better at recognizing the storms that are headed my way.  These storms or red flags are the signs that I am headed towards danger if I don't correct my course and make changes. 

One of my biggest red flags is selfishness.  The addict in me believes that everything revolves around me.  It looks at life situations and events not in terms of what they meant or were really about, but rather how they affect ME.  My needs, my satisfaction and my comfort were the main priorities in my life.  Donating time, energy or resources to anyone else was done begrudgingly or not at all.  If it is going to inconvenience me, frustrate me, cause me to do more than I feel I should have to do, then I'm not interested. Recognizing this behavior and becoming more willing to serve and get outside myself has been a huge part of my recovery success. When I succeed in putting others first, being charitable and patient, I am rarely stuck in addictive behaviors. The trick is recognizing these moments before they spiral out of control.

This past week I found myself mired in selfishness. My wife has a trip planned for the first week of October. She wanted to set some money aside so that she can have a good time on her adventure. In order to accomplish this, she volunteered to pick up some extra shifts at work 4 nights last week. It meant that she would be gone most of the evening, 4 consecutive nights, leaving me home with the kids to deal with homework, dinner, housework and day to day responsibilities. When she first mentioned it I was supportive and appreciative that she was willing to work so many extra hours so that her trip wouldn't affect the family budget. My goodwill didn't last long.

The first couple days went fairly smoothly, I would come home from work and pick up the house before my older boys got home from school. I would give them chores to help keep things somewhat in order and did my best to stay on top of things. By the third day however, frustration had set in. It wasn't fair! I was having to do everything, and the more energy I expended thinking about how unfair it was, the more frustrated I got. By Friday, her last day of double shifts, I had completely given up. I made no attempt to pick up the house, rotate laundry or reign in the kids. It wasn't my fault. She was the one choosing to be gone so much and leaving me to take care of everything. Right?

Saturday morning I got my wake up call. Saturday is my least favorite day of the week. I typically work a double and in addition, it is the busiest day of the week at both jobs. I dread it when it comes. That morning at work as I pondered the day ahead of me a thought popped into my head. "You know how much you hate Saturdays? Well your wife just worked 4 strait double shifts and you didn't really do much to support her. On top of that the house is a train wreck so instead of resting and recovering today it will take her all day to clean." Immediately a wave of recognition flowed over me. I had been living in selfishness. I also recognized that in feeding on this selfishness it had affected many other aspects of my recovery. My dailies had been sub-par, I hadn't reached out as much as I normally do and my prayers were hurried and repetitive.

I immediately said a small prayer in my heart and the first thought that popped into my head was; Step 1:Honesty. I need to be honest about my actions. I pulled out my phone and sent a text apologizing to my wife. I explained that I recognized I had been selfish, that I was sorry and offered to help out with tasks around the house when I got home. It was a great first step, but it was only the first step. I pondered what more I could do. I rushed home between jobs to change only to find that the house was still in shambles and she was gone at a church function.

Realizing that I had about 40 minutes before I needed to leave to start my other job, I immediately went to work. I organized the kids and started cleaning frantically. I was able to clean the entire upstairs, vacuum everything and get everything in order. I rushed out the door to work again to finish my double. But you know what? It felt amazing. It was such a wonderful thing to get outside myself, my own concerns and struggles and just put someone else first. It completely changed my outlook and got me out of my rut.

Recognizing my red flags as they come is a huge part of my recovery effort. I am human. I still do stupid things all the time. Living in recovery doesn't make me perfect. It never has and it never will. What it has helped me do is recognize these red flags as they come so that hopefully I can get out of the toxic behavior before it leads me slowly back down the path to Satan's grasp. I am grateful that I was able to see it coming this past weekend, and I hope that I can continue to learn and grow.

Daily Bread

I know that I have talked a lot in this space about how important daily study and connection with others is to my success, or lack of, in this battle. It has become clear to me on so many occasions that if I am grumpy, weak, cranky, triggered or things are not going well in my life, chances are I have not been actively engaged in daily study for a period of time.

Recently the LDS Church released a new Mormon Channel video that addresses this concept that I wanted to share here. This was shared with me last week by a friend in recovery and it was a great reminder that just as going 2-3 days without eating would leave me in a weakened and diminished state physically, failure to feast upon the word of God leaves me lacking spiritually.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Sharing Light With The World

Over the past few weeks I have been blessed to have the opportunity to help my wife edit and proofread a book she is writing to share her story with the world.  As I would read each chapter, I would feel the spirit, every single time.  Even though I was already familiar with her story and in many cases had lived it with her, I couldn't help but be touched by the honesty, truth and hope.

I also recently finished reading Conquering Your Own Goliaths by Stephen A. Cramer.  Brother Cramer is also a recovering sex addict who was stuck at the depths and then found the Savior and was filled with hope.  Once again, as I read his story and the stories of others he shares, I was filled with light and hope.

It is much the same when I read the various addiction blogs and articles online.  There is just so much power and hope is seeing others walk the same path that I walk and seeing their successes, their stumbles and their willingness to keep getting up.

I have been thinking a lot about this over the past few days and why it is important.  The conclusion I have come to is that addiction teaches isolation.  It teaches me to hide, to be afraid, that I am the worst.  Satan is terrified of solidarity, of friendship, of love and support.  He knows the power in sharing with each other and sharing one another's burdens.  I am reminded of the baptismal covenant from Mosiah Chapter 18: 8-9;

8 And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—


I can't think of any better way to 'mourn with those who mourn' than by being there with hand extended to a friend stuck in addiction and being willing to say; "I understand. I have been there. Share some of my strength while the Lord replenishes yours".

I am particularly touched by the line 'to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things and in all places'. Being open about addiction is hard. But even a willingness to be a witness on a blog, or in a recovery meeting or with a trusted family member or friend, brings so much power and inspiration. Not to mention by doing it, I am living up to my baptismal covenants!

I am so grateful for those who have gone before me and been willing to share their light. If no one ever stood up and shared their testimony and said 'This is who I am and my Savior loves me anyway' we might all still be stuck thinking we are alone. But we aren't alone! We have the companionship of a loving Savior and the examples of so many who have walked this path and been brave enough to share their light with me and for that I am grateful.

Journal: Check-In and Gratitude

It's been a crazy few days. I think this might be the longest I have ever gone without blogging. But after a whirlwind vacation and less than a week to prepare for back to school, life definitely seems to have sped up. Overall things have been very good. I feel like my routine is working and my support system has been a wonderful blessing. Things work when I trust the Lord and do my part. The trick is being humble enough to keep at it even when things seem to be working.

My support list has grown of late and I actually have 8-10 guys that I am texting on a regular basis. We share scriptures, quotes and messages of hope with one another. It is like a shot in the arm of spirituality over and over again throughout the day. It is becoming more and more apparent that not only can I not do this alone, but it works so much better when I have LOTS of help. Not just from the Lord, who is always with me. But also from friends, family and brothers from my support group.

Seeing these blessings in my life has really made me aware of how blessed I am. This past Monday for Family Home Evening, I challenged my family to write lists of what they are grateful for. I had hoped that this would help all of us focus more on what we do have and less on what we don't. I then gave a lesson based upon President Monson's wonderful talk on Gratitude from the October 2010 General Conference. 

There were numerous quotes and scriptures in his talk that touched me but one in particular really jumped out at me;

My brothers and sisters, do we remember to give thanks for the blessings we receive? Sincerely giving thanks not only helps us recognize our blessings, but it also unlocks the doors of heaven and helps us feel God’s love.

I had never thought of gratitude in those terms before.  Being genuinely grateful really is a wonderful way to understand God's love and understand that I truly am a Child of God.  If I recognize that his hand is in my life, that the goodness I have comes from him, it is so much easier to understand how much he loves me.

That isn't to say that gratitude is easy.  It's not.  When the trials of addiction and the whirlwind creates run wild in my life, it is easy to get sucked into "Why me?" mode.  President  Monson even addresses this in his talk;

When we encounter challenges and problems in our lives, it is often difficult for us to focus on our blessings. However, if we reach deep enough and look hard enough, we will be able to feel and recognize just how much we have been given.

What a wonderful reminder.  Words to live by, even when things are not all well.  I am grateful.  I am grateful for my family, for my recovery group, for the gospel.  Most of all I am grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  It is through him that true joy reigns, that progress comes and that the ability to overcome all trials in life is a reality.  

Changing My Perspective: The Elephant In The Room

I want to write today on a topic that is very important and very sensitive, but also one that in my opinion is often overlooked in recovery circles. I have been attending LDS ARP meetings for going on 4 years now. The majority of the meetings I have attended are PASG meetings which are specifically for people who struggle with things of a sexual nature. Over the years I have heard powerful testimony shared on topics ranging from how to overcome pornography, inappropriate relationships, same sex attraction and lust. I have seen miracles in the lives of many. Despite all of this, one topic I have rarely heard discussed, is how to rebuild a healthy physical and intimate relationship with a spouse after years of lust, objectification and acting out that often comes with addiction.

Despite my recent period of sobriety and success in recovery, I discovered some time back that it was still very easy to fall back into the same ruts of lust that existed in my relationship with my wife. I think to some extent I had convinced myself that as long as I was clean in all other aspects of my life, that my behavior with her didn't really need to change all that much. We are married, I love her, it's okay... Or is it? After 15 years of marriage it was easy to revert to established patterns. Given that we both struggle with addiction and lust, many of these established patterns are unhealthy. Unfortunately, they have become our normal.

As I reflected on what could be done to change my perspective and the overall way in which I view my wife, I found myself fixating on 'NOT' doing things. This of course, is often an exercise in futility. It is like the exercise with the pink elephant. Have you ever played that game?

Clear your mind for a moment. Ready? Great.

DON'T THINK ABOUT A PINK ELEPHANT!!!

What did you think about? If you are anything like me or many people I have encountered, you probably immediately started thinking about a pink elephant. It's a normal reaction. It is really hard to 'NOT' do things. This is a concept I learned early on in recovery and one that President Packer explains in step 2 of the LDS ARP Guide;

Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel.

Spending time focusing on "How can I stop doing this, how can I stop objectifying, how can I stop lusting" almost never works. It never has for me.

Around the same time this was all going on my wife's birthday was rapidly approaching. Knowing that we didn't have much in the way of financial resources I had been thinking of ways to make my wife feel special and loved that wouldn't cost a great deal. Given that I am often an individual that struggles to vocalize my feelings of love and appreciation, I came up with the idea of publicly telling my wife, every single day, via Facebook, how much I love her and what I loved about her. The only two rules; 1. No repeats. 2. Focus as much as possible on talents and attributes, not just physical traits.

It started out small. The first few days were easy and didn't take a great deal of thought on my part. My wife has many talents so I wasn't really having to think much about it. But over time, it got harder. I would think of something wonderful and realize I had said that already. It made me start to really think, to pay attention to what she was doing, how she spends her time and what is important to her. This has now been going on for over 5 weeks. Every day, I have found something wonderful about her and shared it with the world.

As I spent time on this exercise, it slowly, subtly, almost imperceptibly changed how I view my wife. I discovered that when I focused on her positive attributes and talents, I started to view her differently. I found myself focusing almost entirely on what was good and pure about her rather than on anything physical. This led to a light bulb moment a few days ago. I can't change how I view my wife by walking around all the time saying "Don't stare at body parts, don't focus on physical, don't fall back into established patterns of lust". It just didn't work. But when I spent time every single day focusing on her inner light and beauty, my perspective started to change all on it's own.

Now you don't fix 15 years of bad habits in 5 weeks. It will take time to completely eliminate the deep ruts of behavior that have been created. But the first step is to start driving on a new road. It might only be a few feet away from the old road, for now, but it is fresh and new. It is the path to a healthy and loving relationship. It is the path I want to be on.

Missed Opportunities

So vacation is over and work starts anew this morning.  It was wonderful to be away but I am back with renewed energy and motivation.  As I reflect back on the past week though, there was much to be happy about, but also some moments to learn and grow from.  There was one particular experience that has stuck with me the last few day.  I pray often to have opportunities to serve others, to get outside the selfishness and isolation of addiction and lift someone else.  Unfortunately, I have a tendency to form a picture in my head of what these opportunities will look like, which can lead to missing the chances The Lord does provide.

Wednesday night, we had spent a long hot day at Disneyland with our kids.  We arrived back to the hotel late, worn out and hungry.  We had eaten an early dinner and then expended a great deal more energy walking.  The boys were begging for a snack and my wife and I were hungry as well so I offered to drive off in search of something to tide us over while she got everyone else ready for bed.  My 9 year old tagged along and we were off on our adventure.

I found a Burger King drive thru without too much difficulty and placed our order.  During this process I kept hearing a clicking sound nearby.  It was quite dark though so I was unable to determine where it was coming from.  After retrieving our order I pulled away from the window and headed back to the main road.  Right as I was about to exit the parking lot, I saw a man wave me down.  He had a pair of jumper cables in his hand and was motioning towards a jeep.  I instantly knew that this was the sound of the clicking noise I had heard.  His car wouldn't start and he was in dire need of a jump start.

As soon as I saw him my mind was filled with justifications. It's, late and I am in an unfamiliar environment, I have my 9 year old with me, my tired and worn out family is waiting on this food. So without pausing to consider the situation from the stranded man's point of view, I looked the other way to avoid making eye contact and drove away.

Shortly after this experience, I got lost trying to find our hotel. The Angels baseball game had just gotten over and so traffic was diverted and detoured away from the routes I was familiar with. I activated our navigation system only to have it lead me on a wild goose chase. It took close to 45 minutes to make the short drive back to our hotel. Far longer than it would have taken me to stop and help the man in need.

When I finally got back, I was angry and frustrated. I blamed circumstances, the car navigation, and my family for asking me to leave the hotel in the first place. I was selfish and whiny. I went to bed that night restless and full of guilt. Deep down I knew why the evening had gone so poorly.

In the days since, I have had much opportunity for reflection. I firmly believe that the failed navigation and adventure on the way home was chastisement and karma. What was asked of me was small, but I wasn't willing to make even a minor sacrifice. It would have taken 5 minutes to stop, pop the hood and attach jumper cables. I have no idea the man's situation. Perhaps there was a wife and or children in the car. Perhaps he was far from home and just as uncomfortable to be out late in a strange neighborhood as I was. Ultimately though, I will never know because I wasn't willing to put my own needs aside for 10 minutes.

When I pray, I often get an idea in my head of what the answers will look like. Sometimes my pride gets in the way of what The Lord is trying to do. I am grateful that I was given this opportunity to learn from my mistakes and grow. I hope that next time, I will extend my hand to another child of God who needs my help.

Milestones

We are leaving this morning on family vacation but I woke up to very happy news.  Today is 6 months clean!

God is good and it is through him that success comes!

See you in a week!

Tim

What is Hope?

I have a ton of thoughts bouncing around my head right now and I feel like I need to get some of them down on paper.  I have been thinking a lot lately about hope.  What is hope?  What does it mean, and how can it influence my life?  How does it lead to faith and charity and improve my life?

For much of my life, I thought that hope meant to wish for better things.  To hope that my life would work out the way I wanted.  To hope for a favorite sports team to win or that my family would get the things they wanted in life.  Now, I am not sure that is really the essence of hope.  That is not to say that those things are bad or unhealthy.  Everyone has feelings like that, wishes for better things and happier days.  I think it is a normal part of being human. 

Lately though, I have had to re-evaluate what it means to really have hope.  I have been reading Conquering Your Own Goliaths, by Steven A. Cramer.  It is a powerful book and one that has been life-changing for me.  Early on in the reading there is a quote that he shares that comes from President Benson given during a talk at General Conference in October of 1983 entitled; Jesus Christ; Our Savior and Redeemer.  The quote truly defines what real hope means and where it comes from;

Only Jesus Christ is uniquely qualified to provide that hope, that confidence, and that strength to overcome the world and rise above our human failings.

What a powerful concept.  True hope only comes from Jesus Christ.  His example, his sacrifice, his willingness to ALWAYS be there when needed.  That is where all hope stems from.  Whether it be addiction, shattered relationships, sickness, anxiety or depression.  He is the way and the source of all true hope.  Hope is so much more than just positive vibes or feelings.  Hope is powerful, it is life altering.  

Brother Cramer drives this concept home a few pages later in Conquering Your Own Goliaths when he shares the following;

It doesn't matter how we got to where we are.  The way out remains the same:  Jesus Christ-- for he is the Way.  And we don't have to have all the answers when we know the One who is the Answer.

I think for me, part of the reason it can be so hard to wrap my brain around this concept is that it almost seems too good to be true.  Too simple and easy.  All through life we are taught to be self reliant and work hard and be all that we can.  So to think that no matter the problem, the solution is to surrender it to Him, trust Him, and have hope in Him and that is the solution.  Its hard to believe.  For whatever reason, sometimes it makes more sense to beat my head against a brick wall than to simply be humble and surrender my fears to the Lord.  Sadly, all that leads to is more pain in the form of a headache.

President Uchtdorf summed it up perfectly as only he can in his amazing message given in October of 2008, The Infinite Power of Hope;

We hope in Jesus the Christ, in the goodness of God, in the manifestations of the Holy Spirit, in the knowledge that prayers are heard and answered. Because God has been faithful and kept His promises in the past, we can hope with confidence that God will keep His promises to us in the present and in the future. In times of distress, we can hold tightly to the hope that things will “work together for [our] good” as we follow the counsel of God’s prophets. This type of hope in God, His goodness, and His power refreshes us with courage during difficult challenges and gives strength to those who feel threatened by enclosing walls of fear, doubt, and despair.

This is the true meaning and power of hope.  Believing, trusting, knowing, that no matter my circumstances, how I got here, why I got here or how far I am from where I want to be, the answer is still the same.  The Atonement happened for me.  It happened because I was destined to make mistakes, to fall down and not know how to get back up.  It happened because he loves ME and wants me to overcome and be happy.  No matter the problem, the trial or the pain, He is the answer.  

In closing I want to turn once again to President Uchtdorf and share probably my favorite quote of all time.  One that has lifted my spirit more times than I could possibly explain;

And to all who suffer—to all who feel discouraged, worried, or lonely—I say with love and deep concern for you, never give in. Never surrender. Never allow despair to overcome your spirit.  Embrace and rely upon the Hope of Israel, for the love of the Son of God pierces all darkness, softens all sorrow, and gladdens every heart.

Even when everything else in life seems to be crashing down around me, there is hope.  Hope in Him.  Hope that I can bear this, that there is joy on the other side, that if I have enough faith and hope that happiness is available to me even during periods of trial and stress.  His love surpasses all and is the source of true joy.  

Divine Daughters Of God

So the past 2 weeks have been difficult and yet wonderful.  I have really felt close to my Savior, and to my family.  I have felt like recovery has been a huge part of my life.  It feels like progress but that does not mean that everything has been perfect.

This past Saturday, I was having a bit of a tough day.  I overslept and had to rush out the door to work.  I didn't get a shower and I didn't have time for morning study.  On top of that, Saturday is always a double for me at work.  In between my 2 shifts, I was home for a few minutes and I was a grump.  My wife recognized it and sent me a text asking what was going on.  Prior to her gentle nudge I hadn't even really recognized it myself, but I instantly knew.  I hadn't built up my armor to get me through the day and I was suffering as a result.

A bit later, I made time at work to do some study.  I said a silent prayer asking the Lord to soften my heart and help me release the stress I was feeling and to help me have a good outlook.  I then pulled out my phone opened the LDS Gospel Library App and silently asked to be guided to something that would change my attitude.  I found myself in the General Conference Section and ended up finding a talk given by President Hinckley in October of 2004.  It was titled The Women In Our Lives.  He talks extensively about the relationship with his wife, with his daughters and then spends some time talking about the divine nature of women in general.  One particular quote just grabbed my attention;

"And so Eve became God’s final creation, the grand summation of all of the marvelous work that had gone before".

I have read and studied the Creation story many times in my life, but never had I made that connection.  Eve, and womanhood in general, was not simply part of the Creation.  Rather, she was the crown jewel of the creative process.  As President Hinckley puts it; "the grand summation".  Given that these words come from a beloved Prophet of God, I think we can draw some rather simple conclusions about how much Heavenly Father loves his daughters.   How he views them and wants them to be treated.  

President Hinckley later shares that when we shatter their trust and hurt his daughters, we are directly hurting God through our actions; 

"Every woman is a daughter of God. You cannot offend her without offending Him".

As someone who struggles with addiction and lust, these words bored into my very soul.  To think that every woman who was ever objectified, lusted after, and degraded was a beautiful daughter of God and to imagine the pain this caused him to watch the crown jewel of his creation be treated this way.  It was a wake up call.  It was hard to read, but the Spirit testified to me of the truthfulness.   

President Hinckley does go on to give words of hope in his message.  He explains that relationships with those we have mistreated can be healed.  He speaks specifically to the marriage relationship but I think his words can apply to my relationship with any daughter of God that my actions or behavior has harmed or offended;

"The cure for most marital troubles does not lie in divorce. It lies in repentance and forgiveness, in expressions of kindness and concern. It is to be found in application of the Golden Rule".

Repentance, forgiveness and the Golden Rule. It starts with me. It starts with truly seeing women as daughters of God and treating them as such. Throughout the last few days as I encountered women in public, anytime I encountered a woman and my thoughts or actions were even remotely out of line I would whisper in my mind. "She is a daughter of God. See her as He sees her. See her divine potential, not her physical attributes." I was amazed when I did this how quickly my mindset changed. It was a small thing but one with the potential for great change.

Finally, today I had another 'ah-ha' moment that helped me to truly understand this concept. I keep a picture of my beautiful wife as the background image on my smart phone. It is a constant reminder to me of how lucky I am. From time to time I will change the picture to different image of her. My wife loves pictures so I am never lacking for good ones to choose from. So today, I began scrolling through my phone and the images she has uploaded to Facebook to find a new background for my phone. As I scrolled through I noticed something remarkable about all of her pictures. She was absolutely glowing.

Now part of this is because she is a very beautiful woman, but there was more to it. It was almost as if I could see into her very soul. In the moment I didn't really understand it but later as I was pondering it, I felt a prompting that I was seeing her true nature. This glow was her Spirit, her divine potential. She IS a daughter of God with the blessings, power and love that come along with it.

This is currently my favorite picture of her. She absolutely glows. It is beauty, but more importantly it is divinity. The same divinity that all women share as the crowning jewel of God's creation. It is high time I treated them as such.

 

Thought Of The Day

I ran across this today while doing my morning personal study.  It really brightened my morning and boosted my faith so I wanted to pass it along.

Image Credit

Seeing this, I was reminded of the scripture from Romans 8:28;

 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Some days are harder than others, some trials more difficult to overcome with a good attitude.  Sometimes when I fall it is incredibly hard to dust myself off and get up off the floor.  Despite it all, I do know that it is worth it.  I do know that the rainbow is coming.  Maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe in 6 months.  I don't know the time table, I just know that it IS coming.

~~~ Tim

Getting Back To Basics

In the past few weeks there has been many trials but also many blessings. I have been gently reminded that addiction recovery works best when I keep things simple. I struggle sometimes with anxiety. I constantly play out worst case scenarios in my mind and tend to assume the worst when stressful situations arise. I have tossed and turned a lot in my sleep these past few days as I pondered how to overcome our financial struggles and other life challenges. This stress leads to triggers and temptations to slip back into my old habits of turning to my addiction as a means of dealing, or hiding from stress.

At my PASG (Pornography Addiction Support Group) meeting last night, one of the missionary group leaders shared his testimony of dailies. The things that I should be doing every day to help me get through the day. I was reminded that the only way recovery works is one day at a time. I have no idea what my life will look like in 6 months or a year. I daydream at times of what it might look like, but ultimately I don't really know. I have today and I am grateful for today. Life is complicated enough without making it more complicated by trying to guess every single scenario that might arise, every hurdle that needs to be overcome.

As I pondered this concept I was reminded of the lyrics to one of my favorite Christian songs by Amy Grant.  It talks about getting back to basics, keeping things simple and trusting God.  That is the only way that works.  One day at a time. 

Don't Try So Hard

Another Monday comes and I just wanna breathe
Cause it's a long, long week for someone wired to please
I keep taking my aim, pushing it higher
Wanna shine bright, even brighter now
Wish I would tell myself
Don't try so hard

God gives you grace and you can't earn it
Don't think that you're not worth it
Because you are
He gave you His love and He's not leaving
Gave you His Son so you'd believe it
You're lovely even with your scars
Don't try so hard

Do you remember how the summers felt when we were kids
Oh we didn't think much about it, we just lived
Taking our time, beautiful leisure
When did we start, trying to measure up
And all this time, love has been trying to tell us
Don't try so hard

God gives you grace and you can't earn it
Don't think that you're not worth it
Because you are
He gave you His love and He's not leaving
Gave you His Son so you'd believe it
You're lovely even with your scars
Don't try so hard

God gives you grace
You can't earn it
Stop thinking you're not worth it
Because you are
He gave you His love and He's not leaving
Gave you His Son so you'd believe it
You're lovely even with your scars
Don't try so hard

Out Of The Darkness.

I have pondered doing this for a very long time, but I never had the courage to take the plunge. My name is Tim Agla and I am an addict. I have struggled with pornography and sexual addiction since I was a very young boy. It has become the battle of my life and has taken a toll on my marriage, my finances, my family relationships and likely my relationship with many of you reading this today. I have been actively participating in the LDS Addiction Recovery Program for almost 4 years with varying levels of success, but I have never been willing to really let people in to my struggles. This has forced me to live something of a double life. On one hand, recovery and the 12 Step Program is a very important part of my day, on the other, I tried, desperately at times, to keep many of you from knowing that this was part of who I am.

I don't want to live a lie anyone, so I made the decision to share this post, and the rest of my blog on Facebook today. I want my recovery self to be the same person that interacts with each and every one of you. I don't want to stop and think about who knows and who doesn't. I don't want to hide such an important part of who I am. The reality is that pornography addiction is a serious struggle that affects many men and women, probably even some of you reading this today. So perhaps in some small way, reading my story will help someone to see and understand that they are not alone, that there are many of us who walk this road and that there is help available.

So please, take a few minutes to read my story. Any thoughts or feedback would be greatly appreciated. If you do share my struggle, please know that I am here for you. I am certainly no expert but sometimes just knowing that you are not alone can make a huge difference.

Some of you might be wondering why I am doing this, some of you probably think I am crazy. I don't know a lot of things but I do know that fear and isolation are two of the biggest obstacles that an addict struggles with. Fear of what others will think if people know their true nature, scars and all, and fear that they are the only one that could possibly be this broken. Sexual addiction is particularly difficult because of the stigma that surrounds it, especially in religious circles. That is why I titled this post, 'Out Of The Darkness'. Addicts like me, tend to spend long periods of our lives living in darkness. Living in constant fear that someone will know, that someone will find out.

I don't want to be afraid anymore. This is who I am. I am an addict, but I am also the son of a Loving Heavenly Father. That is what defines me. That is what matters most.

~~~ Tim

It's The Thought That Counts

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The last couple days have been particularly stress filled.  Some of the financial issues that were fueled by my last relapse period have reared their head again leading to contention and blame.  I woke this morning feeling somewhat despondent.  I listened to a wonderful talk about Forgiveness by President Hinckley to try and break out of it but I was still in something of a funk.  Then completely unexpectedly, I received a text from one of my friends in recovery.  It was unexpected because this isn't someone that has reached out to me much in the past, and it was a simple text just sharing his favorite scripture with me, but it meant the world to me. 

Here is the funny part.  The scripture he shared didn't really speak to me.  I didn't read it and feel the Spirit and know that it was exactly what I needed in that moment.  If anything I was a little confused as to how it related to me at all.  Yet in my heart I still felt peace.  For the first time in a few difficult days I really felt like everything was going to be okay.  Then as I pondered this it hit me.  It's the thought that counts.  Yes its a silly phrase that has become a justification over the years for poor or late birthday gifts.  'I'm sorry I forgot your birthday last month, so here is a gift card.  It's super late, but its the thought that counts right!!!'  I've heard it a million times.

In this case however, it was absolutely true.  Satan does an amazing job isolating me, breaking me away from my family and my support center and making me feel like I am entirely alone and worthless.  It is one of his tried and tested methods of breaking me down and slowing my progress.  He has been very successful at it over the course of my life.  So sometimes, just knowing that someone is out there thinking of you, thinking of me, is just the boost needed.

I often think of reaching out to others, trying to share something from my daily study that might brighten some one's day, but I tend to get stuck in thinking that I have nothing inspiring to share.  If I could just find the perfect quote or scripture or anecdote, THEN I would share it with my friends.  Otherwise, what is the point of reaching out at all.  Today taught me how untrue that is.  It reminded me of something my sponsor told me when I was very new to recovery.  Many days, he would send me a text in the morning that was just a smiley face emoticon.  No message at all.  He explained that it was his way of letting me know that he was there.  The lines of communication were open and I knew he was thinking of me and that he was available to talk.  It meant a lot to me in those early days when every passing minute seemed impossible.

I am so grateful for that brother for taking the time to share, but more importantly I am grateful for the reminder from the Spirit that often times all my friends and family really need, is just to know that I am here for them, thinking of them and that they aren't alone.  That none of us are alone.  It doesn't take profound spiritual knowledge or wonderful quotes fine tuned with online apps so they are beautiful and inspiring.  Those things can be wonderful too, but sometimes it really is the thought that counts. 

~~~ Tim

Hope

Hope

It's that sole ray of light in a dark, dreary room.

Filling the blackness in a moment's time.

It's the hand extended when I thought no one cared. 

Helping me over mountains I never thought I could climb.

It's an old friend calling I haven't heard from in years.

Just letting me know that I was on their mind.

Its the random stranger stopping to help,

When things are falling apart and I'm all out of time.

Its the hands of a loving Bishop resting on my head.

Opening windows to Heaven I had forgotten were there.

Its an afternoon spent with family and friends.

At the park or the lake or the ballpark or fair.

Life is so full of miracles that I sometimes forget.

There is so much goodness around me I fail at times to see.

Life can be so easy to take for granted at times.

I forget how many wonderful people care about me.

Satan wipes away goodness and replaces it with fear.

He takes infinite beauty and taints it with shame.

He tears apart relationships that took years to build.

And softly whispers that my life is broken and will never be the same.

Then when all seems lost and I almost give in.

I am reminded  that all I have to do is simply extend my hand.

The Savior can access even the darkest of rooms.

He softly reminds me of his Father's eternal plan.

Though I sometimes feel like there is no light at the end,

And feel like I have reached the end of my rope.

Help is never fleeting or out of my reach.

For the Lord has promised there will always be hope.

Five Months

I woke up this morning to an alert on my phone reminding me that I have reached 5 months of sobriety.  Exactly 150 days as well.  It was a wonderful feeling.  As I reflected on this throughout the day I thought quite a bit about what I have learned in the past 5 months and wanted to share a few things here.

First off I think the main thing that I have learned is that while things are better, they aren't perfect.  Recovery is a process.  There are still good days and bad.  Ups and downs.  Sobriety is still a very, very long way from perfection.  I still do stupid things all the time and have to try to work on improving.  I am grateful for much but also very aware that there is much still to do.

Another thing that I am becoming more and more aware of is that this is a process.  Sometimes when I daydream I think of my life 2 to 3 years down the road.  I think of what it might be like to have years of sobriety, to be an advocate for the program.  I imagine what it might be like to speak at a fireside or serve as a missionary or facilitator.  These are good thoughts, but in my daydreams, one common thread is that I am doing so much better.  My recovery is something of an afterthought.

I have heard others share similar thoughts in the meetings that I attend.  I think it is probably pretty common when you are struggling with something significant to imagine what it might be like to be on the other side of the trial.  But here is the thing.  I have been attending recovery meetings for almost 4 years.  I have had over a year of consecutive sobriety in the past, I have had months of sobriety on more than one occasion and one common thread remains the same in all these experiences.  When I am doing what I need to be doing, my life is wonderful.  Not perfect, not addiction free, but still wonderful.  Because the Savior is part of my life and I am able to withstand the struggles that come my way.  When I fail to do my dailies, attend my meetings and connect with family and friends, my life is a struggle.  How many days, weeks or months of sobriety I have doesn't really play a role in how prepared I am to withstand temptations on that given day.  This is a one day at a time process.  All I can control is today, and even then it is only through the grace of God that I make it through.

So I guess in a nutshell, what I am trying to say is that I am slowly coming to understand that it isn't my trials that are going to change.  They will likely always be there.  Maybe not in this exact state and level of strength, but I am always going to be tempted.  I will always to some degree, be an addict.  What really has to change isn't my trials or my level of struggle, but rather what needs to change is me.  The more I do to prepare myself, to have the Savior in my life, to not be willing to compromise my integrity, my values and my family.  That is where the change comes.  Inside of me, within my heart.  Until the desires of my mind and my heart are simply replaced by the desires to do that which is good.  In Ezekiel Chapter 36, we are promised;

26 A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.

 27 And I will put my spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes, and ye shall keep my judgments, and do them. 

The Lord has promised that the change will come.  He hasn't promised to remove my trials, but he has promised that he will change my heart and fill it with his Spirit.  That is really what recovery is all about.   I was given this trial to bring me closer to my Savior.  To get me off the fence that I sat perched on for so many years.  Knowing what I was supposed to do and filled with enough faith and testimony to never fall off the deep end entirely, but never humble and faithful enough to really immerse myself into the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  

Five months is wonderful.  I am humbled by it and grateful for it.  But ultimately, the only day that really matters is today, and today I go to bed sober and facing forward, and that truly is wonderful!

~~~ Tim