Different.... But The Same

One of the biggest hurdles I have always dealt with in life is focusing on things that are different and negative rather than focusing on things that are positive.  When it comes to both myself and my fellow man, I have always been a glass half empty type guy.  This has made it very difficult to have close relationships and to form the type of friendships that are essential and beneficial in life.  While struggling with addiction for most of my life, I would actively seek flaws in others to somehow make myself feel better about my own dark little secret.

As I reflect with a level of honesty I can see how many ways this has affected my life.

1.  I have never been close with most of my siblings.  I spent my entire life categorizing each one to make myself feel better.  So and so is the favored one, so and so is the princess, and so and so has made WAY bigger mistakes than me.  I even categorized myself as "the black sheep" a badge I wore with pride for many years.  It prevented me from turning to them in times of need and created many strained relationships.

2.  Always excluding myself from friendships within my ward because "I wasn't like them".  When we were newlyweds we lived in a small duplex on the fringe of a neighborhood that was upper middle class.  The majority of our ward was comfortable if not well off financially and we were just starting out.  We would move the same two chairs between the dining room and living room depending on if we were watching television or eating meals.  Instead of embracing my neighbors and ward members, I isolated myself because all I could see was what made me different.  Now over a decade later we have since relocated to a ward with many young couples and we are on the older side for our area so once again I have excluded myself because "I'm not like these kids".  They are just starting out and I again convinced myself that I don't fit in and that I don't belong.

3.   Finally the impact of my addiction on the way I viewed myself.  I was most certainly different.  No one who had ever walked the earth had ever possibly felt the way that I felt, endured the shame and guilt that I endured, I was the worst,  I had no value and no one could possibly relate to what I was going through.

I bought into these differences for MANY years and I confess it is still something I struggle with today.  I am doing better in that at least I recognize this weakness in myself.  This desire to isolate and find flaws in those around me.  But I had a pretty amazing experience the other night that went a long way towards opening my eyes.

I have been attending a PASG group for over 3 years now.  It has become my comfort zone.  Though the attendees ebb and flow over the weeks and month there is always a level of familiarity.  There are always friendly faces and people like me that I can relate to and understand.  But despite the bonds and friendships I have formed there I was still struggling to grasp lasting recovery, so I made a pledge awhile back to attend more meetings.  Specifically I set a goal to attend at least 2 meetings a week.  I have great respect for those that attempt the 90 in 90 plan but for me just doubling my weekly attendance seemed like a good starting point.  So after reviewing my schedule and planning with my wife I decided to attend a meeting a few nights ago.  It was a general ARP meeting for addicts from all walks of life.

I walked in the door and despite friendly greetings from smiling missionaries like I am used to seeing at my regular meeting there wasn't much that felt normal or comfortable.  I arrived a few minutes early to find that I was the only one there.  One of the missionaries joked that people tended to straggle in late and not to worry.  So I fidgeted and waited.  Gradually people started to trickle in and I had a sinking feeling.  These people were NOTHING like me.  It felt so much different than my normal group.  I immediately started to focus on what was different about them.  Fortunately I stuck it out until the meeting began and suddenly everything started to make sense again.  Even though many of these sweet brothers and sisters struggled with addictions that I didn't understand; alcoholics, drug users and others, I found that the spirit of the meeting ended up being exactly what I was used to.  I found humility, love, and desire for peace.  I was particularly impressed and touched by one young man who was attending his first meeting after serving a 6 month jail sentence related to his addiction.  He was humble and grateful simply to be in the room with us and he bore powerful testimony of the lessons he had learned and growth he had experienced in jail.

These truly were my brothers and sisters.  Their struggles might look different than mine but I suddenly started to grasp what made us the same, what makes ALL OF US the same.  We all need our Savior.  No matter what problems we face, what struggles we encounter in life, be it addiction, co-dependency, depression or all of the above, the only way to move forward is through HIM.  King Benjamin said it best in the 4th chapter of Mosiah;

 19 For behold, are we not all ^abeggars? Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have, for both food and raiment, and for gold, and for silver, and for all the riches which we have of every kind?

 20 And behold, even at this time, ye have been calling on his name, and begging for a ^aremission of your sins. And has he suffered that ye have begged in vain? Nay; he has poured out his ^bSpirit upon you, and has caused that your hearts should be filled with ^cjoy, and has caused that your mouths should be stopped that ye could not find utterance, so exceedingly great was your joy.

We are all children of a a loving Father in Heaven and a big brother that gave everything he had for us.  No matter what trials we have in life, no matter how many things we have that might make us different, one thing will always unite us.  It is through Him that we are made whole again, that we find hope and peace to carry on with our trials.

I am still far from perfect and I still struggle at times to label and find fault with others.  But I am trying to remind myself daily that each person I encounter is a child of God who has just as much need of a Savior as I do.  We are all beggars before God, just as King Benjamin preached but we are all of great value, even if we haven't managed to find it within ourselves.

~~~ I Was Lost

Hidden Wedges

The past few weeks of struggle and introspection have given me many opportunities to look at my past and try to figure out what I have done wrong and what could be different in the future.  One particular topic has been heavy on my mind and I wasn't really sure what to do with it.  In the past couple days my eyes have been opened to how to move forward.

When my wife and I first got married we were both a mess.  We were both stuck in dead end jobs and had no real plan for our future.  We were both dealing with significant life challenges from our past, a serious addiction that I had kept hidden for years in my case and some serious baggage from a very difficult and abusive relationship from her past in her case.  We were 2 broken puzzle pieces rotating again and again trying to find a way to fit together, and it wasn't working very well.  To add to the mess we were faced with the happy but extremely stressful news that we were expecting our first child.  Those first few years were a huge mess and we both made tons of mistakes.  It was during this time that my wife first discovered my addiction.  Shortly after this discovery we got caught in a cycle of pain and despair.  We had no idea how to fix our relationship.  During this time 2 things happened that had a profound impact on our relationship, first we met an amazing LDS couples therapist who did wonders to help our relationship and as part of this process my wife disclosed something to me that was extremely painful on a personal level.

Early on I was hurt, angry, frustrated and didn't know what to do.  So I did what my addict self had always done.  I buried it away.  She did everything in her power to make things right and we continued to meet with our Bishop and therapist until we were both worthy and ready to enter the temple and be sealed.  But through all this process I had never allowed myself to heal from this.  I buried it inside me, like a "get out of jail free" card for future errors on my part or to use as a weapon should we ever end up in a courtroom going through a divorce or custody battle.  In the moment I didn't think it mattered much.  I simply stopped feeling.  I was already good at this from years of addiction so this was just one more wall on top of the dozens that already existed.

Outwardly I pretended that I had moved on, in fact my willingness to move on and "do the right thing" became a great source of pride for me.  I would have these conversations with myself patting my virtual back for being a great guy for being so willing to forgive.  But it was entirely a facade.  I hadn't forgiven, I had buried it away.

Well fast forward to a few weeks ago when my wife and I were separated.  When she asked me to leave, this secret immediately came bubbling to the surface.  For a brief period of time I felt a strong urge to share this secret from her past.  "Well yes I just majorly screwed up and wrecked our relationship and trust BUT, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT SHE DID?!?!  I was angry and hurt and struggling for answers.

Fortunately I didn't go that route.  Instead, I slowly started listening to the Spirit that was quietly but firmly telling me that this was MY problem.  She had long resolved her end of things and had embraced the Atonement with all that she was.  In fact she had become a powerful example to me of the change that was possible if one truly turned their life over to the Lord.  I started to recognize that this was the adversary trying to help me justify my own mistakes by comparing them to the mistakes of others.  So I stewed.  I knew it was on me but I didn't really know what to do with it.  In the weeks since as I have built up a few weeks of sobriety and spent more and more time focusing on things of the Lord, things have become more clear. 

Then over the weekend I had a breakthrough,  I read an extremely powerful and humbling talk from President Monson called, "Hidden Wedges".  In the talk, he speaks of a young farm boy who places a large metal wedge in-between the branches of a young tree in his yard only to forget about it.  Years later, to his dismay, a winter storm brought the large, aged tree to the ground.  As the tree grew older it had grown around the wedge, hiding it from view but never allowing the tree to be as strong or as true as it should have because of the shard of metal stuck inside its heart..

He then explained how many good and faithful members of the Church allow painful wedges of life to affect their happiness for years to come.  These wedges can be unresolved sins, offenses done to us or by us, all of which can allow unresolved pain to affect our future happiness.  As I read and then listened to his powerful words, a rush came over me.  This was what I had been doing for years.  I had never allowed myself to be as vulnerable, as honest and I had never allowed our relationship to be as strong as it could.  More importantly, I had not allowed myself to be the man that I could be if I would just learn to trust my Savior.  I had driven so many painful wedges into my soul.  Sins of my own and grudges from the hurts and misdeeds done by others.

It really opened my eyes to the power of the 12 Steps.  We take Steps 1-3 to learn how to be honest and trust the Lord.  We take steps 4 and 5 to remove the painful wedges we have created in our own soul and then as we progress, we take steps 8 and 9 to try to remedy the painful wedges that we have helped create in others.  As we do this it allows us to become whole again.  To truly face forward and not let these pains and ills of the past dominate our lives.

I am so grateful for the Spirit that guides me to talks and inspired words that allow me to start unloading this heavy cart of baggage that I have tried to tow around for so many years.   I am grateful for the 12 Step program for showing me how to remove these wedges from my soul and help me be whole again, but most of all I am grateful for a loving Savior who guides the entire process.

I am still a very long way from being whole again but I am learning how to let go of these painful wedges and cling to him for strength instead.  I know that it will take time but my faith is growing each day that through Him, I can be healed.  For he truly is the Great Physician.

~~~ I Was Lost

The Touch of The Master's Hand

As part of my personal study I have set a goal to do at least 2 of the following each day; study the scriptures, read and ponder a conference talk, study in the 12 Step Recovery Manual, or read a recovery resource book (currently He Restoreth My Soul).  I typically like to start out the day by listening to and then reading back through a conference talk or one of the wonderful talks that can be found at the BYU Devotional Archive.  Because for much of my life I was not in tune with the promptings of the Spirit and did not seek out things that would bring me closer to my Savior, I have found that there are a wealth of talks out there that I missed.  It has been a lot of fun discovering these powerful testimonies from chosen witnesses of the Savior in our day.

So this morning I was perusing talks from 10-12 years ago and I came across a wonderful talk by President Boyd K. Packer given in April of 2001 called; The Touch Of The Master's Hand.  He talks at length about the process of repentance and receiving the peace that only our Savior can provide.  Then at the end he shares a poem that I have heard many times prior but struck me to my very soul when I heard him recite it this morning.  It is so perfect for an addict at the depths of self-loathing struggling to understand his/her divine nature.

The poem is of course called, The Touch Of The Master's Hand.  It was written by Myra Brooks Welch and was first published in 1921.

’Twas battered and scarred, and the auctioneer

Thought it scarcely worth his while

To waste much time on the old violin,

But held it up with a smile:

“What am I bidden, good folks,” he cried,

“Who’ll start the bidding for me?”

“A dollar, a dollar”; then, “Two!” “Only two?

Two dollars, and who’ll make it three?

Three dollars, once; three dollars, twice;

Going for three—” But no,

From the room, far back, a gray-haired man

Came forward and picked up the bow;

Then, wiping the dust from the old violin,

And tightening the loose strings,

He played a melody pure and sweet

As a caroling angel sings.

The music ceased, and the auctioneer,

With a voice that was quiet and low,

Said, “What am I bid for the old violin?”

And he held it up with the bow.

“A thousand dollars, and who’ll make it two?

Two thousand! And who’ll make it three?

Three thousand, once, three thousand, twice,

And going, and gone!” said he.

The people cheered, but some of them cried,

“We do not quite understand

What changed its worth.” Swift came the reply:

“The touch of a master’s hand.”

And many a man with life out of tune,

And battered and scarred with sin,

Is auctioned cheap to the thoughtless crowd,

Much like the old violin.

A “mess of pottage,” a glass of wine,

A game—and he travels on.

He’s “going” once, and “going” twice,

He’s “going” and almost “gone.”

But the Master comes, and the foolish crowd

Never can quite understand

The worth of a soul and the change that’s wrought

By the touch of the Master’s hand.

I cannot express to you how many times in my life that I have been that violin.  That I have looked in the mirror and saw absolutely no value.  I was dirty, dusty and broken.  I felt like I was simply wasting the world's time.  I was a mere shell of what my Father in Heaven had in store for me and I was completely incapable of ever breaking free of the dirt and dust that covered me.  That is how I defined myself.  I was most definitely not a beautiful instrument created by a Divine Father who loves me.  Not in my mind.

I am slowly coming to realize differently.  I am starting to believe again and feel hope that things can be different.  I know there is One that can clean away this dirt and decay that I have come to define myself by.  Just like the master musician who made the violin sing once again, I can become clean and vibrant.  I can start to see myself as being a person of value and worth.  I just have to trust in the Master's hand.  

~~~ I Was Lost 

Today, I Can

Its been an up and down few days.  I returned home on Tuesday evening but things have not been rosy and bright.  This is a process and it is going to take time before things will ever possibly begin to feel normal again.  I have come to the realization that I would much rather experience pain and suffering myself than have to watch someone that I love suffer and know that I am the cause of it.  It is probably the most difficult part of this process.  As I study and work hard on my dailies and try hard to pray with intent and focus, I do feel relief from my temptations and my triggers but I am also more acutely aware of the mess I have made.

Its good in a way.  I want to learn and grow and be able to make smarter decisions next time.  Ideally there won't be a next time at all, but I know better.  You don't get through life without falling down and I fall down a lot.  The silver lining is that I am truly seeing how unmanageable my life has become.  There are so many side effects and consequences of my addictive actions and behavior that simply aren't easy fixes.  Some of them will take time to try and fix and overcome.  I am struggling to find the balance between seeing the past as a reminder to keep me from falling into bad patterns as opposed to letting my past actions become nothing but reminders of how horrible I am to tear down and crush my self esteem.

My goal right now is simply to take care of today.  I can't go back and change yesterday and I certainly can't change tomorrow but today is mine.  I can have a positive outlook.  I can do my dailies and things that will bring me closer to my father in Heaven today.  I can reach out to friends in recovery, to family and my Bishop for love and support.  I can be honest about when I am struggling.  I can plan out my idle time to avoid getting sucked into bad habits and triggers.  At the end of the day I can kneel down and thank my Father in Heaven for today and do it all over again tomorrow.  I don't know what tomorrow brings, I just have to trust that things will work out if I continue to take care of today.

I ran across a quote the other day that describes how I am feeling.

"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it." - Groucho Marx

I honestly don't know what tomorrow brings.  I have hope for brighter days.  I know that no matter how deep the hole I am in or how overwhelming the problems seem that I do not have to carry this burden alone.  But today that is of no concern.  I will confront tomorrow when I get there.

The only thing I can control right now is today.  And today I can!

~~ I Was Lost

Recognizing Satan's Lies

I have had a lot of opportunities for growth in the past couple weeks.  I am happy to say that I have seized many of these, but I still struggle at times to recognize the pitfalls that often fill my days and weeks.  One of my greatest struggles is recognizing when I am being pushed and nudged in the wrong direction by the adversary.

As an addict of over 20 years, I have always known on some level that the desires and temptations that would lead be towards my addiction come from Satan.  There was always a part of me, even in my darkest, deepest hours, that knew the truth, that still felt the light of Christ and knew these things were wrong.  I definitely wasn't always strong enough to turn away, or ask for help when these temptations arose but I knew what they were.

What I am not so great at is recognizing that depression, discord, anger, pride and my many other character weaknesses were also carefully cultivated and developed by that same great master of lies.  I have recently had a few experiences that caused me great pain and anxiety, where I struggled mightily before finally realizing that I was being sucked in again.  I share these not because they were great victories, but because I want to shed light on his darkness.  I want a constant reminder to myself of how he works and how he tries to influence me.

1.  Depression - Lately I have had very few temptations of a sexual nature.  After the humility and pain of my recent relapse, the urgings and uncontrolled thoughts have been few and far between.  But that didn't mean Satan had forgotten me or given up hope that he could break me and my family.  Instead his attacks were different, more subtle.  "You are broken".  "Your family has abandoned you when you needed them most".  "Your wife will never look at you the same again".  "You can never regain the trust that has been lost".  "You shouldn't even bother trying to change, it would be easier to run away, to hide, to die".  "They are better off without you".  I have heard them all.  I was driving on the freeway a couple weeks back, the day after everything came to light, and as I went over an overpass there was a feeling, an urging, to just accelerate into the railing and let my car plummet off the hill into a warehouse down below.  I had to literally shut my brain off because it was so full of despair.  But despite my testimony of the Gospel and knowing that thoughts of that nature are NEVER from my Father in Heaven, I was also not easily able to identify them as being the new plan of attack of the adversary.  Fortunately through days of study, prayer, meetings with my Bishop and accumulating a few days of sobriety and freedom from my addiction, the haze began to clear and I finally saw what was happening. Its scary to think that I was entertaining these thoughts, allowing them to take hold in my mind.  I need to remember so that next time I am more equipped to recognize. 

2.  Questioning My Wife - My wife has been seeing a therapist for a few months now.  They have a wonderful relationship and my wife has borne testimony to me on more than one occasion that she truly feels like she was meant to find this therapist.  She had been to a handful of others prior and always felt like something was missing.  She has found great support and growth in their time meeting together.  Well after our recent separation, I was suddenly reminded that her therapist is not LDS.  She is extremely well versed in our doctrines, our beliefs and is a Christian, but she is of a different faith.  I had always known this and had never cared.  My wife was happy with her, she was making progress and that was what was important.  But suddenly I had this overpowering urge to confront my wife about it.  To question the people that she was choosing to use for support after having her world ripped down around her.  Even thinking it now, it sounds insane.  So quickly after relapsing, after being deceitful and choosing to nurture my addiction instead of our relationship, I had no right whatsoever to question who she was turning to in her moment of need.  But I couldn't let it go.  I asked her about it, if she felt right, if she felt she could get the right type of advice.  She was polite, probably more polite than I deserved, but she again bore testimony that her therapist has been nothing but a blessing.  I nodded and changed the subject, but I was still letting those fears live in my heart.  Finally Thursday night during a 12 Step Meeting, I felt the strong prompting to send a very simple and basic apology to my wife.  For everything, for taking her for granted, for always trusting that she would forgive me because "she was supposed to" and not because I was truly and honestly repenting and trying to change my life.  Throughout the entire mess of my addiction I'm not sure that I ever really just simply said.  "I'm sorry, you don't deserve this".  So I sent it, and she didn't respond, and I started to freak out.  I wanted to know what she was thinking, what her thoughts were.  But I felt strongly that I should leave it alone and just go to bed.  So I drove to my parents, threw myself down on my knees and over the course of about 20 minutes just pleaded with the Lord to take care of my wife, to take these fears and questions that filled my heart and just let me face forward and worry about my own problems.  The next morning I felt so much better.  The questions and fears were mostly gone and when they did return the pull was greatly lessened. 

3.  Urging Me To Be The Victim - My wife and I over the course of the last few months were working on a special assignment from the Bishop that we were able to work on as a couple.  It was a great experience and we had both been enjoying it.  But after my fall and our separation I had told the Bishop that it would probably have to wait for awhile.  I certainly wasn't in a place to give my all.  So he agreed to put it on hold.  Well unbeknownst to me, my wife had let him know that she would be willing to complete the assignment on her own.  We were almost done and she felt it was what the Lord wanted.  My Bishop consulted with his counselors and agreed that it was the right decision.  So I found out about this on Sunday during Church.  I immediately freaked out.  "Oh my gosh. Don't you know how this affects ME, how humiliating this will be for ME, people are going to KNOW.  They are going to wonder why I'm there but no longer involved".  It was a constant cascade of woe is me, my life is so hard.  I let my wife know how I was feeling.  Her simple response.  "I am sorry, I know this is hard, but accountability is hard sometimes".  It felt like a slap in the face in the moment.  Fortunately I was able to close my eyes and immediately give it to the Lord.  It still took a couple days to be entirely on board and supportive of the decision but I was quicker to recognize Satan's hand.

I want to remember.  I want to be better at recognizing that when I am feeling sorry for myself, when I am prideful, when my only concern is how something affects ME, when my thoughts and desires take me to a dark, lonely and scary place.  This is the work of Satan.  He is the father of ALL lies.  He is the master of deceit.  I know his handiwork.  I don't want any part of it.  I am striving to be quicker to recognize, to be full of the Spirit instead of the lies.  It is hard sometimes and I know it will take time.  But the more good things I can fill my days with, the more blessings of God I will have in my life.

The good news is despite all of these challenges and struggles, I am moving forward.  My wife agreed to let me come back home.  There are rules and there are boundaries, but I am facing forward and working on what I can control.  Doing my dailies, reaching out, being honest and being humble.  One minute, one hour, one day at a time.

--- I Was Lost

Finding Joy in Adversity and Recovery

It's been a full couple days.  One topic had already been weighing heavily on my mind and then it was addressed again in detail at a fireside I attended tonight.  Is it possible to find joy in adversity, in recovery?  This has weighed heavily on my mind because in the past 2 weeks since my last serious relapse came to light.  I have been waffling between being stuck at times in "woe is me mode" or "Its a race, I have to become perfect TODAY to fix this and make it all better" mode.  There have been many unproductive thoughts including but not limited to; My wife doesn't support me as much as I hoped she would, this is hard, life sucks, why am I so stupid, how did I get myself into this mess?!? Blah blah blah.  It's taxing, its painful and its extremely depressing. It has affected my ability to be normal and happy around my kids and my wife.  Yes we are separated and it sucks really bad.  BUT, there has been a lot of progress and growth during this time.  Clearly this might have been the wake-up call that I really needed to finally embrace true recovery.  So do I really need to expend so much energy feeling sorry for myself?  Probably not. 

So my first thought was the talk given by President Uchtdorf at the last General Conference titled "Of Regrets and Resolutions".  In his list of regrets he spends a great deal of time discussing happiness and the things that we allow to prevent us from being happy.  He then gives the quote that I could not get out of my head the past couple days. 

So often we get caught up in the illusion that there is something just beyond our reach that would bring us happiness: a better family situation, a better financial situation, or the end of a challenging trial.

The older we get, the more we look back and realize that external circumstances don’t really matter or determine our happiness.

We do matter. We determine our happiness.

You and I are ultimately in charge of our own happiness.

A very simple yet powerful concept.  If I am not happy, I can't blame anyone else.  I decide my outlook, I decide how I let adversity and trials affect me and whether or not they will define me.  Will there be tough days?  Absolutely.  Will I still feel sorry for myself at times?  Definitely.  But does that have to be the story of my current existence?  I sure hope not.  I want to be happy.  I want to have relationships and friendships and tell stupid jokes and laugh and just enjoy life.  

Then at the fireside tonight, numerous scriptures were shared about hope, happiness and healing.  Here are a couple that I was able to jot down in my phone because I didn't have pen and paper handy.  

D&C 78:18-19  18 And ye cannot ^abear all things now; nevertheless, be of good ^bcheer, for I will ^clead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the ^driches of ^eeternity are yours.

 19 And he who receiveth all things with ^athankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an ^bhundred fold, yea, more.

 The Lord is basically telling me(and you).  Look, you can't bear this right now.  I understand, its hard.  But you can still be happy, because I am with you and you will be blessed for enduring and learning from these trials.  Pretty amazing if you really think about it and let it set in. 

D&C 98: 1-3 1 Verily I say unto you my friends, ^afear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give ^bthanks;   

2 ^aWaiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testament—the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted.   

3 Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been ^aafflicted shall work together for your ^bgood, and to my name’s glory, saith the Lord.

Again The Lord gives us very simple yet concise advice.  Rejoice evermore and be grateful, all the things  you are going through shall work together for your good...  Now I'm not going to lie.  That is an extremely difficult concept to wrap my brain around most of the time.  Seeing this trial, all my trials as blessings that I can be grateful for and trusting the Lord that it is for my good. That's a hard principle and one that I do not have much of a testimony of.  But I want to have a testimony of it.  I want to believe, to know that my trials are worth the pain, worth the work. 

So that is my goal for this coming week.  To be happy.  Not every second of the day because I know there will be hard times.  I know I will stumble and have to try to find the strength to dust myself off and try again.  But I can try harder to be grateful, to see the joy, to know that I am extremely blessed.

I want to be happy.  I know that the best way to get there is to follow the advice, the life and the teachings of my Savior.  So here goes nothing!

- I Was Lost

"For My Soul Was Harrowed Up"

So I have a confession to make.  I am a fixer.  Shocker, right?  When problems would arise in my life, in my marriage, at work or in whatever walk of life I never wanted to analyze them, study them, feel anything about them and I sure as heck didn't want to talk about them.  I told my Bishop the other day that I feel sometimes like my heart wants "Catholic - TV repentance".  Now, I don't mean to diminish Catholics in any way because I know that there are many great and devout Catholics.  But in the movies you always see it depicted the same way.  Individual sits down in confessional booth, cracks joke about not having confessed in decades, rattles off a few things and the father gives him a few simple assignments, a to-do list if you will, to get the person out of his hair.  I get stuck in that rut A LOT.  I don't want to experience the pain and healing of true repentance.  I want to confess and then work a simple to-do list.  Then TAAA-DAAAH,  I am forgiven. 

I am slowly starting to realize and understand that it doesn't work that way.  Early on in our marriage when my wife first discovered my addiction, I ended up confessing years worth of old, buried away sins to my Bishop at the time.  It led to a disciplinary council, a dis-fellowship and some hard months away from the blessings of the Lord.  At one point in the process my wife and I were discussing it and she confessed that her greatest concern was that I hadn't really seemed to suffer or experience pain from my sins.  I had gone through the process, done what was asked, I had completed my "to-do list" but there was no real growth because there was no real anguish and Godly sorrow.  At the time I thought she was being cruel and unloving, but it is slowly being revealed to me that she was probably right.

In the Book of Alma, Alma the Younger describes this pain and Godly sorrow to his son, Helaman.

Alma 36:12-13 - 12: But I was racked with eternal torment, for my soul was harrowed up to the greatest degree and racked with all my sins.  13: Yea, I did remember all my sins and iniquities, for which I was tormented with the pains of hell; yea, I saw that I had rebelled against my God, and that I had not kept his holy commandments. 

Alma uses this same phrasing, "harrowed up by the memory of my many sins" again in verse 17.  I must confess, however that despite having read this section many times in my life, I had no idea what 'harrowed' actually meant... Until last night.  A missionary from my 12-Step group explained an experience he had awhile back where he was driving on a deeply rutted and damaged dirt road.  Later he found the same road remarkably smooth and graded.  Eventually he came upon 2 pieces of machinery that were fixing the road.  The first was a large, heavy metal piece of equipment somewhat similar to a plow.  It contains large spiked tines that dig down into the earth, breaking up the hardened ruts, pulling rocks and roots from below the surface and leaving the earth tilled and loose.  This device is called a harrow.  Right behind the harrow was a road grader.  Pushing the rocks and debris off to the side and leaving the surface incredibly smooth and perfect, like an entirely new road. 

He then explained that repentance and recovery are like that harrow.  It digs deep into our soul, causing great pain and anguish as Alma described, but also pulling out all the sins, lies, buried emotions and other baggage we carry around with us.  Then right behind the painful harrow of repentance comes the road grader that is the Atonement.  Removing the now exposed pain, sins and baggage that were pulled out.  Our Savior takes those away, smooths our souls and polishes us into the brand new road that we are capable of becoming.

For the first time in my life I am truly experiencing the pain and suffering that comes from this harrowing of the soul.  It hurts more than I ever could have imagined.  But I can feel the emotions, memories and baggage bubbling to the surface.  It is uncomfortable and it is shameful.  I am reminded every minute of the day that I let down those that counted on me the most, that loved me the most.  That I betrayed trusts and feelings that may never be restored or will take a very long time to heal.

I am clinging to that hope that somewhere in the future is that wonderful road grader that represents the forgiveness of The Atonement and outpouring of love from my Savior that will smooth over my rough edges.  It will swallow up my sins and embarrassing memories and leave my soul a smooth, beautiful surface once again.

The pain scares me, it makes me want to run.  But I am fighting, I am desperately trying to trust The Lord and let him help me and then heal me.  I know this is the only way to healing.  For myself, for my relationships and for my family.  If I want the true joy that WILL come, I have to experience the true pain that is this experience.

--- I Was Lost

Baby Steps

I'm exhausted.  Too many nights of not enough sleep piled up on top of each other.  I should be in bed, but I would feel ungrateful if I went to sleep without sharing some of the tender mercies that I recognized today.

So as I mentioned in an earlier post, one of my biggest, most crippling character weaknesses is lack of honesty.  I got myself into a rut where lying about silly, inconsequential things became almost a routine.  Which obviously made it MUCH easier to lie when the big, scary stuff came along.  I recognized it for what it was and I'm working to do better.  But I am still an addict and I still do stupid things. 

So my wife texted me this morning about something minor.  And without even stopping to think, I embellished.  It wasn't a big ugly, scary lie.  It was a stupid lie, a petty one.  So a few minutes later I hop on the freeway and my heart starts pounding in my chest.  I realized it was happening again.  I had taken one small step down the path to shattered trust and false integrity all over again.  I turned up the radio and tried to ignore it.  Of course I was listening to Christian radio so turning up the music didn't chase the Spirit away, it just made me feel worse.  So I was about 10 minutes from my destination and I said a prayer.  I followed the advice of my Bishop, who has to drive frequently for work and told me that he regularly will turn off his radio and pray aloud while driving from spot to spot.  So I turned off my music and prayed aloud.  I asked what I should do, how I should do it and to give me strength.  The immediate prompting came, "Pull over and tell her".  I kept driving.  "Pull over and tell her".  So finally, a couple freeway stops sooner then I normally get off, I pulled off, stopped in the parking lot of a car dealership and was completely honest about the lie. 

It was a huge leap of faith for me right now.  Our relationship is so fragile.  I was so worried that confessing this was going to shatter any small amount of progress that had been made.  But I trusted the prompting I had received and every Primary and Sunday School lesson I ever had.  I was honest.  And things actually turned out OK.  She was upset, but after some time she was able to tell me that she saw it as progress.  Because I had recognized the lie, I had owned it and confessed it. 

I still feel somewhat discouraged that lying again was so easy.  That it has become such an automatic response, but I am grateful that The Lord helped me have the strength to do the right thing, even though it was scary.  I am grateful that I decided to take the KLove Challenge and only listen to Christian Radio for 30 days so that I was in an uplifting environment that was conducive to making the right choice.  I even set every single one of my radio presets to that station so I won't have easy, one-click access to other stations. 

But the best part of my day happened about an hour ago.  I was able to give my wife a hug and then as I left to head over to my Mom and Dad's to sleep.  I didn't break down emotionally while leaving for the first time in our week of separation.  I was able to face forward and have a good attitude. 

I am taking baby steps, because when it comes to recovery, I am still a baby.  But I am moving forward.

--- I Was Lost

Two Steps Forward, Two Steps Back

It's been such a roller coaster of emotions the past 7 days.  It was one week ago today that my web of lies came crashing down around me leading to my eventual separation from my sweet wife.  In the days since, my emotions, my faith, my ability to function as a normal human being seem to come and go on a minute to minute or even second to second basis.  I'm over-analyzing everything and letting stupid things lead me to tears. 

Yesterday started off pretty good.  I had a solid day at work, got to come over to the house and spend some amazing time with my boys and even made everyone dinner.  Afterwards I took the boys to run some errands so my wife could have a break and then we all ended up home around 7.  I was happy, and functioning.  But then it was time to leave, because I don't live here anymore.... And my world came crashing down all over again.

After another difficult and far too short night, I woke today with a better attitude.  Right before bed last night, I read through my step one answers in the 12 Step workbook that I started after my last serious relapse.  I saw some glaring omissions, despite a lot of honesty about a lot of things, there was very little honesty about well, honesty.  That seems silly to read but it jumped right out off the page at me.  Had I really not recognized that this all begins with lack of integrity?  With simple lies that turn into chains of despair? 

Then this morning I was in a daze at work.  In the midst of my daydreams I received the most wonderful tender mercy.  One of my biggest misconceptions about recovery, is I have CONVINCED myself time and time again that the one BIG moment would come.  I would hit rock bottom(again) and it would hurt too much to ever, ever return to my addiction.  It was going to be my Sobriety "Alma the Younger experience".  So with each slip or relapse I would tell myself.  "This is the one, I will be telling people about this day for the rest of my life when I have X years and months of clean living."  Then would come the inevitable slip and my entire fantasy world would shatter anew.

So this morning I started entertaining that fantasy again.  "Imagine in a year when this is over and I'm sober and awesome and I can look back at this day and laugh."  Then in my mind it hit me.  "You are an addict, odds are you will slip again, and what can make all the difference is in how you treat future slips or if you let it become a serious relapse again."

So I decided to define slips and relapses and the differences I have seen in my life.  These are my terms, based upon my own experiences.

Slip - I messed up, I need help, but I know where to turn.  I will confess to my Bishop, my spouse, my support system from the 12 Step program.  I will re-engage myself in my recovery and evaluate my boundaries and try to keep this from happening again.  It will be hard, it will take time to re-grow trust but with the Lord's help and continuing to face forward it is possible.

Relapse - I suck, I can't do it.  I'm not strong enough.  Everyone is going to be disappointed in me.  I'm not sure my wife can take another one.  My Bishop is going to lose hope in me.  It will be easier to just lie.  It was only once and I will be strong from here on out.

Option 2 has more or less been the story of my life.  I think there was one time when I chose path 1, for the most part every other slip was path 2 and turned into a serious relapse that affected every aspect of my life.  I'm learning, I'm recognizing, I'm seeing the patterns.  Does this mean I will come through like a champ if a future slip occurs?  I hope so, but all I can do is trust in the Lord and try to prepare myself.  

So that's where I am at today.  It feels a little like 2 steps forward, 2 steps back.  I still get emotional, I still cry, I still beat myself up.  But I'm also learning, being taught by the Spirit and doing everything in my power to face forward.  I may not be strong enough to actually walk or even stand just yet.  But I can face my Savior.

I Was Lost

P.S. For awhile I was signing all my comments and posts as just 'Lost'.  Until it was pointed out to me by someone special that I am not 'Lost'.  I WAS lost.  But I know where I am and where I need to go. 

Sunday Night Journal

So I wasn't going to write anything tonight.  Its been a really emotional evening.  After a long talk, my wife and I decided to stay separated for the time being so that we can both focus on healing.  Deep down I know it makes sense.  That in the long term it will probably make all the difference in the world.  But today, right now, its the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

Earlier today, while abstaining from the Sacrament, I actually asked Heavenly Father to help me feel the weight of what I had done, to truly feel the Godly sorrow that would finally help me get out of this rut.  I guess I should have paid better attention to President Eyring's talk.  I'm in a better place now than I was a couple hours ago.  The hardest part was talking to the kids.  Trying to help them understand that its not their fault.  That Dad is just broken right now and he needs to go away to a Doctor to get fixed. 

I did have one really positive experience though.  I had to work a few hours this afternoon, which I hate doing on Sunday, but since some of my stinkin' addiction thinkin' led to some financial hurdles, I am doing what I can.  So I was driving down the street and an ad came on for Valentine's Day.  And as I'm driving this thought pops into my head.  "Valentine's Day is gonna suck for you since no one loves you".  And for like 3 seconds, I entertained that thought.  I believed it, and then I actually said out loud.  "Get out of my head, Satan!"  I recognized it for what it was.  It was a small victory, but one that I needed today. 

I know that I am  loved.  I know that people care about me.  I need to learn how to love myself.  I want to be able to look into the mirror and like what I see.  But I am worth fighting for.  My marriage is worth saving.  So I am going to fight.  I am going to trust in the Lord to make chicken salad out of the giant mess of chicken shiz I have made of my life.  He can do it.  I know that he can.

Here's to better tomorrows!

Lost

Reaching Out

Probably the biggest obstacle to my recovery has been my prideful refusal to reach out to others when I am struggling.  A huge part of this is because despite being in recovery for the better part of 3 years, I have still been very fearful of being open about my addiction with most of my friends and family.  I have often discovered that I have a severe case of "But I'm doing good now" syndrome.  What I mean by that is, I tend to try to white knuckle it and fight my own battles and tough it out until I have a few hours/days/weeks under my belt so that I can then go to my wife, Bishop, or sponsor and say.  "Man, I had a really hard week last week, but I'm doing good now!"  Oh how much easier things would be if I was humble enough to say, "I need help RIGHT NOW, please call me, come pick me up, pray for me".  But I don't.  I never have.

That's not to say the Lord hasn't tried to beat it into my thick skull on more than one occasion.  Early on in recovery, I was on the verge of slipping up and relapsing.  I was very near acting out, when suddenly my phone went off and I had received a text message of support from a facilitator in the 12 Step program.  It immediately snapped me out of my funk and helped me get through the temptation.  But despite tender mercies like these I have never been great at getting outside myself and asking for help.

So I took a huge leap of faith tonight.  After many prayers for guidance the past couple days, I made the decision to come out about my addiction to all of my siblings and to one close friend.  I prayerfully composed emails explaining my struggles and telling them all that I need allies.  I need soldiers.  I can't fight this battle on my own.  My Savior will always be my Captain but the more troops I have at my disposal the better.

I can't do this by myself.  I have tried, and tried, and tried.  It doesn't work.  I need my friends, my family, my support system at group and most of all I need my Savior.  Together we can do it.  It won't be easy, but hopefully after tonight, I will have a few new soldiers in my army.

Humbly yours

Lost

Gratitude

I was reading another addiction recovery blog earlier and they talked a lot about gratitude.  How even when things are bad and maybe I don't realize it in the moment, I still have a lot to be grateful for.  So I have decided it is time to break out of the "woe is me" phase I have been stuck in the past 3 days and write about the many things I have to be grateful for in my life.


The LDS Addiction Recovery Program - I have attended meetings for a little over three years now.  I have made some wonderful friends and had some good experiences but nothing like what happened last night.  I was overwhelmed at the outpouring of love, strength and support from the brothers in that room after my sharing.  There were men that I barely knew that made it a point to come over and put their arms around my shoulders and let me know that they understood, that they had been where I am.  It was truly a brotherhood.  I really started to see what I had been missing out on all these months and years.  The meetings are wonderful, but its the people that make the difference.  Letting them in, letting them love me.

My Bishop - I don't know how he does it.  Managing to both support and be a shoulder to cry on for my wife while still going out of his way to make sure I know that I am loved.  After our meeting the other night he was stern at times, but always there was the love, the support, the testimony that there is a way back if I am willing to do what is necessary.  Then on top of everything else there have been the texts, of support, of suggested reading materials and counsel.  But the main thing that stuck with me from our visit was as I was getting ready to leave his office, an emotional mess.  He hugged me and told me that I didn't realize how many people there were who loved me.  Who were thinking of me, supporting me, praying for me. 

My Mom - We had an amazing talk last night.  She was concerned, bewildered, saddened, but most of all, she was THERE.  When I needed her most.  It is comforting to know that even approaching 40, with three children of my own, my mom is still always there when I need her.  She is a wonderful example to me of the unconditional love of a parent. 

My Family - It was an emotional day today.  My wife and I are separated but I went over this afternoon to be home with the boys until my wife got off work.  I got to spend a few hours with them before I had to leave again.  My oldest boy has such a tender soul.  He is old enough and perceptive enough that he knows something is wrong, that things aren't the way they should be.  He gave me a lot of hugs, cried with me and told me numerous times that he loves me.  It was heart wrenching to leave them, but his tender show of love and support made it so much easier.  Before I left I was able to give all my boys big hugs and tell them that I loved them.  It really made me realize how much I take my family for granted.  My beautiful boys and my sweet wife who has always been such an amazing example to me.  I will always be grateful that Heavenly Father allowed me to be part of their lives.

My Savior - My favorite scripture has always been John 14:18 - I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to thee.   It is the Savior speaking to his apostles before leaving the earth for the Ascension.  He is helping them, and me, to understand that he is still with us.  That he is ALWAYS with us.  He endured all manner of illness, disease, pestilence, and sin so that he is infinitely capable to comfort, console and lighten my burdens.  One of my favorite LDS songs is You're Not Alone, by Michael McLean.  I embedded the video below.  This song has always brought me comfort and hope.  It helps remind me that I am not alone.  My Savior is always with me.  No matter how big a mess I make of my life, I am never alone and truly I have much to be grateful for.

Lost

Separation

So I am currently sitting in my parents basement as I type this.  My worst fears have been realized.  Tired of my lies and lack of progress, my wife asked me to leave today.  I hope and pray that this is temporary but all I have right now is today and today is tough.

I did attend a wonderful 12 step meeting tonight where I was able to share and cry and be open with wonderful brothers that didn't judge me and gathered after the meeting to offer hugs, handshakes and advice.  The lesson I have learned, and this is exactly what I shared tonight.  I don't need people to feel sorry for me, I can't manipulate them into thinking that I am somehow a victim, that this wasn't my fault.  This WAS MY FAULT.  I understand that.  I accept it, I own it. You cannot build a relationship, a stable recovery or a life on a foundation of lies.  Honesty is step 1 for a reason.

So I sit here raw, wounded, broken.  But with a small sliver of hope.  Because I felt the Spirit tonight.  I know The Lord is in those rooms.  I know he is there for me.  I just have to let him in.

So I head to bed to study and pray and control what I can control.  I am going to make sure that I go to bed humble and filled with the word of God. 

Lost

Worst Week In Awhile

So one my of biggest weaknesses is that I really struggle with honesty.  I don't even think about it.  I've allowed it to be so second nature that I will catch myself lying about stupid things, stuff that doesn't even matter.  But inevitably that leads to lying about big things as well.  It becomes so ingrained, so normal, that I don't even think before I do it.

Well I've been lying a lot lately about my sobriety.  I haven't had any, for months now.  I put on the happy face, and went to meetings and halfway did my church callings and halfway did my parental responsibilities and completely made a mess of things.

Naturally, I got caught and the instant I got caught, I knew it was really really bad this time.  My poor wife has put up with far more than she ever deserved and for the most part she has always been loving and supportive.  But I've worn her out.  I can see it in her face, in the way she looks at me, in her not so subtle posts on Facebook.  I don't blame her, I wouldn't want any part of me.  How can you love someone that never tells the truth?

Here is the really scary part.  I know I need to stop.  I know that my entire eternal marriage, family and salvation is on the line.  But Satan has me so stuck that I am really struggling for how to stop.  It seems so easy to say, just stop.  And it might really be that easy but I've never managed to pull it off.  So either I suck really bad, or this goes far deeper than just making a simple decision.

I know I need to turn to the Lord.  I know that through Him is the only way to find answers, to have hope, to truly change.  I was listening to old Conference talks earlier today and I ran across a  pretty amazing quote from Donald Hallstrom of the 1st Quorum of the Seventy.

 If you feel you have been wronged—by anyone (a family member, a friend, another member of the Church, a Church leader, a business associate) or by anything (the death of a loved one, health problems, a financial reversal, abuse, addictions)—deal with the matter directly and with all the strength you have. “Hold on thy way” (D&C 122:9); giving up is not an option. And, without delay, turn to the Lord. Exercise all of the faith you have in Him. Let Him share your burden. Allow His grace to lighten your load. We are promised that we will “suffer no manner of afflictions, save it were swallowed up in the joy of Christ” (Alma 31:38). Never let an earthly circumstance disable you spiritually.

I know this is what I need to do.  To 'hold on', and trust the Lord   That if I really try, and do all that I know how to do, that he will do the rest.  It seems too good to be true.  It seems impossible, but right now its all I have to cling onto.  Trusting Him is the only hope I have left. 

Lost