Sunday School Answers

I finished reading the Book of Mormon last week.  It is the second time this calendar year that I have finished it.  It has been over 20 years, dating back to my LDS mission, since I have been able to say that.  It got me thinking a lot about the importance of scripture study, in particular the power of the Book of Mormon. 

During the recent session of LDS General Conference, Elder Neil L. Andersen, posed the question; "When was the last time that you read the Book of Mormon from cover to cover? Read it again. It will increase your faith."  As he posed the question, I felt a rush of joy as I thought to myself, "I'm in Moroni right now!"  It felt good to know that I was following the counsel of the Lord.  But it also got me thinking of a familiar refrain often heard in 12 Step meetings.

The sad truth is, many addicts I know have lost faith in simple things like scripture reading.  After many years of being told by family and priesthood leaders, "Just read the scriptures and pray more and you will overcome your struggle", only to fail again and again.  It becomes easy to dismiss these things as unimportant or not helpful.   I have heard numerous men express this thought in recovery meetings.  Part of me is sad whenever I hear this expressed.  But part of me can relate as well.  I can't tell you how many times I have prayed to be healed, that I have begged the Lord to take this from me.  I have fasted for it, said prayers and then opened the scriptures to a random page hoping to find the one passage or verse that would inspire me to, finally, have the strength to beat my addiction.  It never worked.  I wish overcoming a lifelong addiction was that simple, but for me at least, it hasn't been.

Over time it made me a little bit bitter towards the so-called "Sunday school answers".  If I have prayed and read the scriptures for years and still haven't gotten any help, then what is the point?

It took me a very long time to come up with a good answer to that question.  But it wasn't the Book of Mormon that had to change.  It wasn't my Bishop or my family or my friends.  What had to change, was me.  Seems overly simple doesn't it?  But it's true.  In my experience the real, true key to recovery is having a close relationship with my Savior.  Knowing Him, believing in Him, having faith in Him.  The more I am able to do this, the easier it is to remember to turn to Him when the stress comes, when the struggles come, when the triggers come.  Because I could never possibly overcome this alone.  It is only through Him that I have any chance of success.

So what actually had to happen was a shift within me.  An understanding and acceptance that the purpose of prayer and of the scriptures isn't to solve my problems for me.  If I pray to the Lord to take away my struggle without any learning or change on my part then how would I ever grow as a person?  The purpose of prayer and of the scriptures is to come to know my Savior.  To learn how to trust Him and feel His hand in my life.  For the greater His influence in my life, the more successful I will be.  The closer I am to Him and the more I choose to rely on Him, the happier I am.  That is why I read the Book of Mormon , because it teaches of the Savior.  Prophet after prophet, page after page and verse after verse.  I come to know my Savior.  I come to trust and believe in Him. I grow closer to Him.  I learn how to exercise faith in Him, which leads to me surrendering to Him and letting Him take the wheel of my life. 

And you know what?  It works.  It really does.  And that is why last night, I turned back to 1 Nephi and I started all over again.  Because I need Him in my life. He is a much better driver than I am.

The Prophet, Joseph Smith once testified of the Book of Mormon;

“I told the brethren that the Book of Mormon was the most correct of any book on earth, and the keystone of our religion, and a man would get nearer to God by abiding by its precepts, than by any other book.”

 I need the Lord in my life.  I need to be close to Him to have any chance of success and I know that in reading and studying the Book of Mormon I grow closer to  my Heavenly Father and my Savior.  And with them on my side I can overcome or endure any challenge life has in store for me, including addiction.

Letting Go and Letting God is hard...

So it has been a whirlwind 48 hours.  I have been reminded once again that nothing in life or in addiction recovery, ever goes as planned.  On Monday night, my 5 year old woke up about 11 PM with a raging ear infection.  After medicine and spending time with Mom didn't do the trick we ultimately decided he needed a Priesthood blessing.  After phone calls to numerous friends and neighbors, I finally tracked someone down.  He and I laid hands on my son's head and gave him a blessing.  It was a very spiritual moment and we all commented how strong the Spirit was in our home.  I was grateful to have been part of it.

Less than 24 hours later that moment seemed very far away.  It had started as a lazy day.  We slept late after the ordeal the previous night.  Then my wife took our oldest to register for High School.  It was my day off and I lounged around quite a bit.  Finally evening rolled around and my wife was cooking dinner.  I walked out to check the mail and started to open an envelope addressed to me.  As I opened it I saw it was an advertisement for a men's "enhancement" medication of some sort.  I also noticed it contained some very inappropriate photos.  My wife asked what it was and I started to explain.  She took it from my hands and opened it all the way and was horrified at the contents.

Her immediate reaction was to assume that I had been up to something.  It was addressed to me at a house we have only lived in for 4 months and I have been sober those 4 months.  So it didn't make sense they would have my name and information even for spam mail.  I tried to explain but she just got madder and madder.  She said it was evidence that I had been visiting adult sites, because why else would they know my name and address?  I was extremely frustrated.  I was scrambling in my mind trying to understand.  I am far from perfect and I still have very hard days at times where I allow lust into my heart and have to battle mightily to keep from getting in.  But I know for certain that I have not visited any explicit or adult sites, I haven't acted out in my addiction and I definitely haven't signed up for anything or given anyone my information that would lead to me receiving adult advertisements in the mail.  So I didn't know what to think.

I pleaded with her but she wasn't having it.  She's been down this road too many times and she is tired of being hurt.  In that moment there is nothing I could have said or done to convince her.  So I finally walked out to the back deck in an attempt to compose myself.  I was frustrated, I was hurt, I was MAD.  I spent 30 minutes searching on the Internet to try and find some sort of explanation, some sort of evidence to clear my name.  I had signed up for a free trial for the WWE pro wrestling network, we recently came close to buying a car and sent our information to numerous credit agencies.  This led to numerous credit card companies and other places calling and sending mail.  Maybe one of them shared my information.  Maybe if I can find an article that shows other people who did business with these companies started receiving spam mail, then I can show her.  I can prove that I'm right.

Somewhere in the middle of all this scrambling, the Spirit whispered some things to me that bored strait to my soul.

Number 1; Who could blame her for assuming the worst?  How many times have I legitimately put her through this?  How many times have I promised I was clean and telling the truth when I was desperately covering an intricate web of lies.  She would be crazy at this point to believe me no matter how innocent I proclaimed to be.  That is the legacy I have created based upon my previous actions and mistakes.  It is my fault she assumes the worst and I have to accountable for that.

Number 2; I can't fix it.  There is absolutely nothing I could say or do or prove, that is going to change her mind.  I have to surrender this to the Savior and trust Him.  I have to trust that there is something I need to learn from this experience.  It was a great reminder that I have so much more growing to do.  This is a lifelong journey and all I can control is this moment on this day.  I have to trust the rest to Him.  So I bowed my head and said a prayer and simply surrendered it to Him and promised to do my best to trust Him.   After that I immediately pulled out my phone and started sending texts to my support system.  I received many responses back with promises to pray for me and my family.  It helped me to feel connected and reminded me that I am not alone.  It helped me to feel peace.

I don't know what tomorrow brings.  I don't know where I will be in a week or a month or a year.  I only know that today, I am trying desperately to let go and let God.

Blanket Statements Don't Heal: When Meaning Well Isn't Enough

Ive been struggling for awhile with how to write this post. It may be one that is confusing or puzzling to some but it is something I have been pondering for awhile and feel strongly about. This was all triggered by a Facebook post from the organization, Fight The New Drug.  Their mission statement as an organization is to educate and spread the word about the dangers of pornography.  How it can be used as a drug and has entrapped many.  Overall I think they are a wonderful organization.  I have long advocated that one of the best things we can do to combat this terrible problem is to stop being afraid of it.  We need more organizations that are willing to talk about it.  So I greatly appreciate their efforts.  I do however take exception to some of their slogans.

Don't get me wrong.  I understand the purpose of a slogan is to grab your attention so that you will click on the link, read the article or engage in conversation with the individual displaying the slogan.  I understand they mean well.  That their hope is that upon reading their slogan you will seek to learn more.  The old advertising adage is that all exposure is good exposure if it gets people to your site/business etc.  But I'm not sure that's always true.

The headline that grabbed my attention was "Real Men Don't Use Porn".  My immediate reaction was shock.  My second reaction was guilt mixed with shame.  I have used porn.  I have struggled with it for much of my life.  So am I not "real"?  Am I inherently less than because of the struggle I have?  Are all men and women who struggle with pornography, those who are stuck in a terrible pattern of "using porn", are they broken and diminished? 

I think to understand the ramifications of this statement we need to try to put ourselves in the shoes of those who are ensnared.  Odds are you know one of these people.  It might be your husband, your wife, one of your children, it might even be you.  The numbers are staggering when it comes to pornography usage.  Studies found in the "porn stats" section of the website, Covenant Eyes, show that 64% of men and 15% of all women admit to viewing pornography at least once a month.  We also learn here that 9 out of 10 boys and 6 out of 10 girls are exposed to pornography before they turn 18.  Depending on your definition, almost half the planet has "used pornography".  Those are staggering numbers.  Outlining even more how important it is to talk about it.  But I think it also shows the importance of saying the right things. 

The first thing we need to understand learned from personal experience, after attending 100's of 12 Step meetings and closely interacting with dozens of addicts, the biggest thing I can tell you is that most of them are desperate to stop.  They understand 100% the impact it is having on their lives and their families, but it's not always that simple.  It's not as simple as saying "just don't look"  It's "real" to not look.  All statements like that do is heap on shame and guilt. 

One of the other popular slogans that Fight The New Drug utilizes is "Porn Kills Love".  A couple years back when she was working for one of their on campus organizations my own wife even bought one of those shirts.  I tried to express to her at the time how much it hurt me to see it on her but our relationship wasn't strong at the time and she felt I was just being sensitive.  And truthfully, I was just being sensitive.  Because it hurt me to see that slogan.  As someone who struggles with pornography, all I heard when I saw that shirt was "You're not worthy of love, you're not capable of love, you are not loved".  I couldn't put it into words at the time but I clearly remember the pain.  It was shame.  Every single time I see that slogan I feel shame.  In moments of weakness I still to this day have to stop and ask myself if I deserve love.  If I am capable of love.

Now, don't get me wrong.  Pornography can and will kill love in your family and your relationships.  It's toxic and pervasive and will absolutely take over every aspect of your life.  I just don't think blanket statements like these are the right approach to try and help someone trapped in addiction.  In moments of clarity, I knew full well the impact my actions were having on my marriage and my family.  But when the temptations came, I still wasn't always strong enough to say no.  It's not as simple as just stopping.  Fortunately, more people are starting to come to this conclusion and radically changing the perception of addiction and addicts in general.

Author David Sheff, who has dealt with addiction is his own family and has written and studied extensively on the subject wrote the following for the New York Times in 2013;

"The view that drug use is a moral choice is pervasive, pernicious, and wrong. So are the corresponding beliefs about the addicted — that they’re weak, selfish, and dissolute; if they weren’t, when their excessive drug taking and drinking began to harm them, they’d stop. The reality is far different. Using drugs or not isn’t about willpower or character. Most problematic drug use is related to stress, trauma, genetic predisposition, mild or serious mental illness, use at an early age, or some combination of those. Even in their relentless destruction and self-destruction, the addicted aren’t bad people. They’re gravely ill, afflicted with a chronic, progressive, and often terminal disease.

People also believe that addicts can’t be treated; at best, they can muster their willpower and manage their compulsion for a short time. But while it’s true that addicts who seek treatment are seldom cured, their disease is treatable when we reject the pseudoscience, moralizing, and scare tactics that characterize the current system. The disease of addiction can be prevented, and when we treat it the way we treat other diseases, those in its thrall can be freed to live long, full, healthy lives."

I especially love his statement that; "their disease is treatable when we reject pseudoscience, moralizing and scare tactics."  These words apply just as powerfully to pornography addicts as they do to drug or alcohol addicts.  They aren't just bad moral people or people with terrible judgement.  Most of them are trapped, broken and lost. 

Apostles of the Lord have spoken out as well about addiction compromises the agency of those trapped in addiction.  In October 2010 Elder M. Russell Ballard explained the web of control that addicts struggle against;

"Researchers tell us there is a mechanism in our brain called the pleasure center. When activated by certain drugs or behaviors, it overpowers the part of our brain that governs our willpower, judgment, logic, and morality. This leads the addict to abandon what he or she knows is right. And when that happens, the hook is set and Lucifer takes control."

You can't help a drug addict by saying "Hey don't you know it's bad to use drugs?"   Similarly, you won't help a pornography addict by saying "Hey don't you know that real men don't use porn?  What the heck is wrong with you?"  "Don't you know that porn kills love?"  The solution to addiction is understanding, support, patience and empathy.  Yes, sometimes tough love is necessary.  But it's important to remember that even tough love only works when love is part of the equation. 

Most of all the message I want to send with this is one of hope.  If you or someone you loved is trapped in addiction there is hope.  You are worthy of love and you are as real as any other being to walk this planet.  We have been promised by prophets and apostles that there is always a way.  We are never too lost or too broken.  Elder Jeffrey R. Holland put this better than I possibly could in his wonderful message given in October 2006;

 "To all of you who think you are lost or without hope, or who think you have done too much that was too wrong for too long, to every one of you who worry that you are stranded somewhere on the wintry plains of life and have wrecked your handcart in the process, this conference calls out Jehovah’s unrelenting refrain, “[My] hand is stretched out still... His mercy endureth forever, and His hand is stretched out still. His is the pure love of Christ, the charity that never faileth, that compassion which endures even when all other strength disappears."

Please know that you are never too lost, too broken, too unworthy of love or too different to get help.  You deserve to feel valued and to know that you are never alone.  Addiction doesn't make you unloved or unworthy or wrong.  It just means you need help and help is there.  I promise you it is.  

Journal: Milestones and a Check-In

It's been a couple weeks since I have had the opportunity to sit down and write. We absolutely love our new house but the one downside is I no longer have my own desk so my laptop is rarely accessible. It is amazing how quickly I can get out of the habit of writing when my computer isn't out and in sight at all times. Things have been good though. There have definitely been some hard times but also many good times mixed in.

This past holiday weekend was a good one. As I went to go to bed last night I couldn't help but be grateful for all the good in my life. Saturday we were able to have a birthday party for our youngest with both grandmothers in attendance. Then Sunday was a very full day spiritually. My wife and I had the opportunity to speak in church. Then I served as the facilitator in the local ARP meeting and then as the group leader in my Healing Through Christ Men's meeting later on that night. It was a full and wonderful day. I can't ever recall getting as much positive feedback after speaking in church as my wife and I did. We were stopped in the hall numerous times and then a couple times on the street Sunday afternoon as well. It was humbling to hear that my words might have given hope to someone else.

I also realized that I had a couple milestones over the weekend. Saturday was my 6 months of sobriety in terms of my progressive victory over lust. And today marks 11 months since my last serious relapse of viewing and acting out afterwards. It is very humbling to see my distance from my last struggles growing and I know that it is only through the grace of God and the love and support of many that I am where I am today.

I have thought a lot about how I got here. And the one thing I can't help but think is making the biggest difference in my life is service. When I very first met with my Stake President 4-5 months ago and outlined everything that was going on, he challenged me to find ways to serve my family, my community and my fellow man. To get outside myself. Addiction, all addiction, is self serving. It turns me inward towards selfishness and putting my own needs first. So any type of service and putting others first is a wonderful way to break the cycle.

I genuinely enjoy coming home after a long day at work and cooking dinner for my family or doing the dishes. My favorite days off now involve cooking breakfast for my wife and working for a few hours in the lawn. I have also been doing a lot more service in regards to recovery work. I have been facilitating or group leading 2 recovery meetings a week. In addition, tomorrow night we will be filling in for the couple that leads the family support meetings in this area. It is a wonderful experience and has given me great appreciation for the men and women who have given of their time for so many years to organize and serve in the many meetings I have attended. It feels good to give back.

I know that when I am serving others and putting the needs and happiness of those I love above my own that I end up happier as well. I know that I am blessed for my efforts. I recall my former Bishop and good friend telling me a few years back that some days he would get home after a long day of work and be frustrated if things were a mess at home. He told me he had to decide one day. "I can get into a fight with my wife and get into comparisons about who works more and whose turn it is to clean the house or I can just choose to love my wife and serve her and do the dishes." He then testified that he was always happier when he chose to serve. I have found this to be true in my life as well. I know that I am happier and my family relationships are stronger when I choose to serve and love them.

God is good. Life isn't perfect but it is still pretty amazing. I still fall down at times but I know it is worth it to get back up and keep going. So I keep going. One day at a time!

The Healing Power of Music

So the past few days have been a bit of a roller coaster.  My work schedule has been all over the place.  The weather has been crazy and we have had a lot going on as a family.  The net result of all of this is I haven't always been getting enough sleep.  This can be a paralyzing problem for an addict.  Being overly tired can lead to major problems.  I have learned this the hard way on may occasions. 

Yesterday in particular was tough.  I had to be into work at 5AM because one of our employees had knee surgery and we don't have a natural replacement for her.  It has been an all-hands-on-decks type situation.  So I went in early yesterday to help cover.  I also managed to get a severe sunburn and scrape on my back over the weekend so sleep has been difficult.  So the combination of not sleeping soundly due to the pain of the sunburn and having to get up a couple hours early and I went to work very tired.  I only had to work half a day though so I kept telling myself, it's OK.  I'll get a nap later. 

Upon returning home I ushered my wife out the door for her day back where we used to live visiting friends, running errands and attending her recovery group in person.  So at 11AM I found myself alone with my 4 year old.  I was exhausted but I could never quite fall asleep.  There was always something that he needed or something that needed take care of at the exact moment that I started to feel myself drift away.  Eventually one of my older boys returned home and I asked him to please play with his younger brother so I could nap.  Once again the normal disputes and struggles that can occur between brothers kept me from really sleeping.  I eventually got up and started dinner. 

Dinner then led to homework and cleanup and Boy Scouts and baths.  The daily rigors of family life.  Nothing major and nothing especially difficult but just one thing after another. 

Somewhere in the middle of all this fatigue and stress I started to feel very triggered and tempted.  The darkness of addiction started to flow into my consciousness.  I have described it in the past as almost like a fog settling in across my mind.  I almost didn't notice it at first.  I was tired and associated it with just being tired.  But looking back now with clarity I can almost pinpoint exactly when it started.

Eventually all the kids were in bed and I laid down.  I was tempted to watch Netflix or TV to pass the time but there urges were there and I knew that could quickly lead to be a bad place.  I opened my phone and the links that never bother me when I am in a good place were suddenly a huge temptation.  It was a minute to minute struggle.  I prayed.  I read a chapter in the Book of Mormon.  But still the fog persisted.  I texted my wife and told her I loved her and to be careful driving home and I tried to sleep.  The temptations continued in waves.  Flowing across my mind.  Memories of past misdeeds, things I didn't want to live.  It was dark, it was scary and it sucked.  I laid in bed and I closed my eyes and I said another prayer.  "Heavenly Father I know a lot of this is my fault.  I'm tired, I stayed up too late. I made some poor choices, I was human.  But I don't want to be here anymore.  I don't want to feel like this.  Help me to learn from it but right now help me just fall asleep because what I need the most right now is just rest and a new day." 

I lay there in the silence of my dark bedroom and waited, not really knowing what to expect. Suddenly the thought came to me. "Listen to a Hymn. Music will chase the darkness away." I grabbed my cell phone and fumbled through my music library looking for something, anything that might help when my eyes finally settled on 'Brightly Beams Our Father's Mercy' by The Lower Lights. I hit play and settled down. I soaked in the music and felt my eyes get droopy. The fog slowly started to lift and by the time the song ended I felt at peace. I barely remember even turning off my phone because sleep came so quickly. I woke up this morning refreshed and in a much better place.

It was a wonderful reminder of the power of music. Of the spirit it brings and the peace that comes. It helped what could have been a very bad experience become a learning experience instead. I was grateful that I remembered to pray and even more grateful for the guidance I was given.

One of the things I have learned over the years is that the answer isn't always the same. Sometimes talking to a recovery friend is the answer. Sometimes praying is the answer. But in this instance the solution was the music of the Lord. I just have to be humble enough to recognize I am not where I need to be and ask for help. Hopefully over time I will get better at better at turning to Him. He is always the answer. I just have to get better at asking the question.

Spending a Saturday at UCAP

So I had the amazing opportunity this past Saturday to spend the day at the annual Utah Coalition Against Pornography event in Salt Lake City, Utah. It was an incredibly humbling experience. There were numerous speakers and events and workshops. There were booths representing exploitation of women and children, therapists who treat those that struggle with sexual addiction. Authors that have written about the topic. Numerous different 12 step and other recovery programs. Programs to support spouses and family members of addicts. It was an incredible site to behold.

I spent the day working at one of the booths and I got to spend my entire day talking about recovery. Talking about how important resources, and education and seeking new knowledge is to sustained recovery. But most of all I spent an entire day talking about sexual and pornography addiction with like-minded people. With people seeking truth and knowledge and hope for their families, for themselves. On more than one occasion as I watched people flow into the main concourse as the sessions would let out and everyone would be sharing the same space for a period of time and I would think to myself, "All of these people are here today because they get it. They get how bad the problem is and they either want to get help for themselves or want to help others get help" How amazing is that? Whether addicts, therapists, life coaches, church leaders or families members who have suffered as as result of the actions of another. All of them were there giving up their Saturday because they wanted to learn more and support those who suffer.

Another amazing experience for me personally is I got the chance to meet many of my wife's friends and colleagues from the recovery world. I learned that she is a very well-known in these circles. On more than one occasion I heard people yell out at her from across the room and up and hug her. Twice people ran up and called me by name and asked where my wife was and I had no idea who they were. But they knew me and knew who my wife was. I was grateful to see that so many people have seen how special she is and that she has touched them. And the coolest part is as I got the change to meet and interact with many of these folks, there was no trepidation or fear. I recognize that some of them might be people that she has confided in, that know my deepest darkest secrets. But I felt no shame. I was just happy to be there helping and trying to share a little of what I have gained through my recovery with others. I can't imagine having done that 2-3 years ago. I would have been terrified. I would have been paralyzed by the fear that "some of these people might KNOW about me." But I wasn't, and that was a pretty awesome and freeing feeling.

Throughout the day I found myself having the same conversation over and over again with friends and Church leaders. "What more can we do about this growing problem?" And time and time again the answer that came to me was the same. We need more days like this. We need more events like UCAP. We need more people who are willing to talk about it. More people willing to stand up and say "I am an addict and I'm trying to get better and here is my story." More people willing to say; "I am the spouse or parent of an addict and my world was torn apart through no fault of my own but I am trying to heal and here is my story." We need more people who are willing to talk about it. In AA and SA there is a slogan that "we are only as sick as our secrets." And if UCAP taught me anything it's that we have to stop being afraid of our secrets. I've had people write me and tell me how much my story has touched them and it's so humbling to hear. But imagine if there were hundreds or thousands more out there willing to be open and share. It's scary, but breaking through fear is incredibly liberating after living a life of isolation for 30 years.

We have to be willing to talk to our families, our kids, our neighbors.

We have to be willing to talk about it, for that is how we can heal.

Attitude is Everything

So the last couple weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind. I had to work 6 days a week, 2 out of the last 3 weeks. It was a very busy week at work full of extra meetings, work travel and just a busy time of year. I felt overwhelmed at times. On top of everything else we had to move because our lease was up on our old house and the owners wanted to sell. They were open to us staying and going month to month but we didn't want to risk them selling the house from under us so we decided to leave on our terms. Things went smoothly and we had a lot of wonderful help from our neighbors and ward members. But through it all I struggled at times to find balance.

Somewhere along the way I decided that it was OK to start feeling sorry for myself. I started to focus purely on the negatives in my situation. "Wow I can't believe I keep getting called in on my day off." "I can't believe I had to spend my only 2 days off moving and unpacking and cleaning." It is easy to get sucked down the rabbit hole when I focus on the negative. The reality is, there will always be hurdles in life. There will always be times of trial that are more difficult, that are frustrating. That is how we grow. It is how I grow. But when these times arise, it is my experience that attitude is everything.

Thursday night after I good talk with my wife I recognized that about 90% of my problem was me. I was focusing entirely on everything that was bad in my life when there is so much to be thankful for. We found a beautiful new home in an amazing neighborhood. My relationship with my wife and family is growing stronger and better each day. I have over 19 weeks of sobriety and clean living because I am learning more and more each day to lean on the Savior and surrender my struggles to Him rather than trying to overcome them alone. There is so much good in my life.

Friday morning I chose to have a good day. I knelt down that morning and thanked my Heavenly Father for the good in my life and decided before I left the house that I would have a good day. Later that morning I sent the following text to my wife; "Things are good here. Even though it's been a hectic morning I decided I was going to have a good day and so far I have. Thanks for your example and for just being amazing" She replied that she was glad and I responded; "The first step in having a good day is choosing to see the good in your day."

It sounds corny, it sounds too easy. But it's true. The last 3 days have gone so much better. I have still worked long hours, I have still dealt with life and stress and trials, but I have chosen to see the good in my life first. I focus on expressing gratitude in my prayers and to my family. They are amazing and I am so grateful to have them in my life. I asked my wife the other day if I had told her yet today that she is amazing. Because she truly is and I am lucky to have her in my life.

Life is good. Life is good because I choose for it to be good. Because I choose to see the good. Because I choose to trust my Savior and express my gratitude to Him. Life really can be good all the time regardless of my circumstances, I just have to be willing to find the goodness. But when I look for it, it is always there.

Lessons Learned in Las Vegas

So I just returned home from a business trip to Vegas.  A fairly scary place to spend time for someone who struggles with things of a sexual nature as I do.  I was nervous going in but also somewhat serene because I made the same trip last year and knew that while still in Las Vegas, my company plans the trip at a stand alone resort far from the Strip and the seedier side of the area.  

It is still Las Vegas though so I knew going in that diligence would be required.  The trip also coincided with my 4 month sobriety date and I am also very aware that recovery milestones can be triggers and pitfalls.  So prior to leaving I made arrangements to check in periodically with my support system and my family.  

The trip ended up being super busy and I was almost never alone.  Avoiding isolation is a huge way for me to stay safe and being with other healthy friends as much as possible was a big part of my safety plan for the trip.  

Ultimately things ended up going well.  I was triggered at times but by staying connected to others and remembering the Lord I was able to stay safe.  On my last day though I made some pretty significant breakthroughs.  I used to really enjoy casinos.  I loved to sit down and gamble and watch games at the Sportsbook and wander around the Strip.  I soaked it in.  On this trip though I noticed more and more how sad the casino floor is.  Elderly people pushing electric wheelchairs and oxygen machines around the casino floor.  Completely oblivious to the world around them.  At one point I sent a text to my wife saying "please never let me become one of these sad, lonely seniors that spends 12-14 hours a day in a smoke filled casino."   It was a joke but sadly I experienced many such individuals.  

The other thing I noticed was that my cell phone reception was awful in the casino but the moment I walked out to the front sidewalk it was crystal clear coverage for both calls and data.  I have no idea if this is due to all the equipment on the casino floor or it it is intentional on the part of the casinos.  Either way the results are the same.  The pull of the slot machines is much harder to resist when calls, texts and emails from family and friends don't reach you.  It is compete and utter isolation almost the moment you enter.  

I thought about how hard it is to overcome triggers and temptations when I am isolated and a light bulb went on.  Addiction is addiction.   Many of the folks inside are completely entranced by the gambling.  Their lives have become unmanageable.  The moment they made the choice to enter the casino and cross that threshold they were entering a danger zone and were almost totally isolated.  It was much the same as when I knowingly put myself in harms way.  I knew what I was doing, I knew the likely consequences but I entered through the door anyway.  And much like the bright lights of a Vegas casino can suck in a gambler, I found myself lost.  

Addiction can lose any of us when we isolate and consciously put ourselves in places where isolation and triggers are bound to occur.  It is easy to get lost.  I have gone down that rabbit hole many times.  But much like those people in the casino started out by willingly entering the casino floor, with every one of my slips and relapses I willingly took a path that I knew would end in isolation and harm's way.  I had a choice.  I had agency. I had to choose between isolation and connection.  Sometimes I chose poorly.  Fortunately I was also blessed with a Savior who not only helps me overcome those poor choices but also helps me learn and grow from those mistakes.  It leads to progress.  It leads to hope.  

Even in Las Vegas there is hope, I just have to be willing to look for it.  To look for Him.  He is always there.  

Do I Allow the Atonement to Sustain and Heal Me?

So today was our ward conference at Church.  There were many wonderful and powerful messages given and it was a strong meeting.  The primary speaker was our Bishop and he gave an amazing message about the Atonement.  Over the course of his talk, he posed a couple questions that really made me think.

Early on in his message he quoted the well-known scripture from 2 Nephi Chapter 2, verse 25;

Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.

He then posed a very powerful question.  He talked about Eve, the mother of us all.  He then asked simply.  Eve was evicted from the Garden of Eden.  She was sent into the dreary world to earn her keep by the seat of her brow.  Then as she started her family, her son Cain murdered her other son Abel.  Through this entire process, how could Eve have possibly been happy?  He paused for a minute and he then simply explained.  Because she allowed the Atonement of Jesus Christ to comfort her and sanctify her in her trials and struggles.

That really struck me.  She allowed the Atonement to help her?  It really made me think.  I have often heard that faith is an action.  That it motivates me to do things, to feel things, to experience things.  It is more than just believing.  But I'm not sure I had ever thought of the Atonement as an action.  Am I actively choosing to accept the Atonement?  Am I choosing to take my struggles, temptations and fears to the Lord and access his Atonement?  Or am I choosing to sit in them?  Am I choosing to isolate myself from the Lord?  For years addiction taught me to choose isolation.  It taught me to hide and lie and embrace fear.  It taught me that protecting my secret was the most important thing in my life.

As I made that connection I realized that it would have been impossible for me to allow the Atonement to heal me when my entire focus was on hiding and covering up the evidence.  As I thought about it and processed more I finally came to the conclusion that allowing the Atonement to help me in my addiction means to accept my powerlessness and surrender my struggles to the Lord.  In doing this I allow the Atonement of the Lord into my life.  It really can be that simple.  It almost seems like a paradox at times.  That the way to have greater strength in this struggle is to show more humility.  That the way to finally have the means to overcome temptations in the moment is the admit that I can never overcome them.  But it works.

The scriptures teach often that it is by simple means that miracles can happen.  The Children of Israel simply had to look upon the brass serpent created by Moses at the urging of the Lord and they would be healed.  Some thought it too simple a solution and weren't healed.  They perished because they thought the solution needed to be more complex.  But that isn't the Lord's way.  In Alma 37, verse 6, we learn that;

Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise.

I am really good at making simple things complicated.  It is something I have often struggled things.  I have been told more than once in my life that I learn things the hard way.  But the reality is the solutions to life's complicated problems are often very simple.  As simple as accepting that my problems are too big for me but that there is one who is more than willing and able to take them.  I just have to allow Him in.  He will always be there.  I just have to take that action first. 

Switch Hitting: My Struggles with Food

So I need to get some things out into the open.  For the last 3-4 months I have been doing awesome in regards to my battle with lust.  Things have been open and true and honest.  I have attended meetings and many other uplifting activities to help me in my efforts and there have been many brave and valiant brothers who have supported me on my journey.  Part of the reason that I have done so well is because I haven't tried to do it on my own.  I have reached out for support daily.  To the Lord, to my Heavenly Father and to many others in recovery.  It is a tried and true method.

But sadly, lust is not my only struggle in life.  I am also very much a food addict.  I have battled weight gain and unhealthy eating habits my entire life.  When I was younger, I was active enough in tennis and baseball that any pounds I put on in the winter were quickly removed in the summer months.  As life sped up and kids, family and 2 jobs entered the picture, bad habits because my norm and my weight ballooned.  I turned to food to numb my pain and my world much as I did with lust.  At times I even used it as a substitute for lust.  Upon looking back I have realized that as times when I would gain some sobriety from lust I would often find myself binge eating.  Breakfast would be an entire box of raspberry jelly donuts and my breaks at work would often consist of multiple candy bars and a large soda.  It became my substitute drug of choice on a regular basis.

So a few months back upon recognizing my struggles with food and lust often went hand in hand and also getting a bit of a wake-up call when my Dad had some serious health struggles that were exacerbated but his struggles with weight, I decided it was time to not just really try to get clean from lust but to also live a healthier life in general.

Overall things have gone well.  Since Thanksgiving Day I have lost over 40 pounds.  I have completely eliminated soda pop from my diet and I have started tracking everything I eat.  I have also tried to become more active.  I started walking.  I played tennis for the first time in 15 years.  I bought a bike and starting riding.  It has been wonderful and it feels good. 

But the last week or so the temptation to binge eat has re-appeared with a vengeance.  I find myself lingering at the bakery at work trying to think of an excuse to take home a cake, or convincing myself it is the right thing to do to try out our new themed donuts so I can tell customers how wonderful they have.  As of yet I have maintain my healthier habits.  My foot has been hurting and the weather poor so I haven't walked as much but I have gone on bike rides 2 of the last 3 days.  I am still tracking my calories.  But I realized that I need to start being more open about my struggles with food.  I don't hesitate to call in re-enforcements when I am struggling with lust so why is it so hard to openly admit that I am tempted to binge on food.  It shouldn't be.  I don't want it to be anymore. 

The other day I reached inside myself and found the humility and strength to open up to a few in my support system about my struggles.  I gave up the secret.  I shed light on the darkness.  And you know what?  Just as reaching out for support gives strength and hope in regards to my struggles with lust, asking for support and sharing with others was just as powerful when applied to my struggles with food.  The responses were nothing but love and care and concern.  No one mocked me and laughed or said being overweight won't keep you from the temple.  They understood.  They responded with love.  It was a powerful lesson and more importantly it got me outside myself.

Life just works better when I am open and vulnerable.  Not just about lust.  Not just about my struggles.  But about everything.  That is where true connection occurs.  When I can just pull back the curtains and say; "This is me.  This is who I REALLY am", and trust the rest for God.  He will always get me the support I need in those moments.

I am committing to be more open and vulnerable.  Not just about my lust addiction but with all my struggles.  I am committing to talk to people.  To share my ups, downs and in-betweens.  I am committing to be real.  I know it will work.  I know that the more open, honest and real I am, the better my relationships with be.  The better I will be. 

God is good.  He wants me to be happy.  He is showing me the way. 

Practicing Patience

One of my biggest struggles in recovery and in life is learning to be patient and trust the Lord's timeline. I was texting a good recovery friend yesterday and he asked how I was doing. I was tempted to just reply that things were good. Because really, things have been good. But in my heart of hearts I knew that wasn't the whole truth. So I expressed my struggles with patience. It is very easy to fall into the trap of "Why can't things just happen faster?"

Why can't my relationship with my Savior be made strong and true TODAY?
Why can't I be on the other side of withdrawal symptoms and daily triggers TODAY?
Why can't my marriage be secure TODAY?
Why can't my wife want to hold my hand again TODAY?
Why can't I stop worrying that others will define me by my past actions TODAY?

It is so easy to get sucked into this cycle. Along with it comes fear, uncertainty and a loss of serenity and hope. While all these thoughts were going through my head yesterday I came across a meme online that talked about trusting the Lord's timing. This kind of snapped me out of my funk and helped me focus on gratitude. One of my sponsors has taught me the wonderful lesson of always expressing gratitude for what is good in my life before I talk about my fears and resentments. The lesson is a simple one. If I focus on gratitude FIRST, the resentments and fears lose much of their power over me. If I look at the list above I can easily turn most of those around by choosing gratitude.

My relationship with my Savior CAN be made strong today if I am willing to do my part.
I can be in a better place in regards to my triggers and withdrawal symptoms if I work my recovery and talk honestly about my struggles and surrender them to God.
My marriage is much better today than it was 3 months ago and progress is consistent and ongoing.
I can't control if my wife will ever want to hold my hand, but if it is the Lord's will He will see it through.
I can't control how others define me but I can focus on my own self worth and divine nature as the son of a loving God.

While pondering this subject and doing some personal study I came across a wonderful quote from Elder Neal A. Maxwell;

"The issue for us is trusting God enough to also trust His timing. If we can truly believe He has our welfare at heart, may we not let His plans unfold as He thinks best?"

Patience is hard. Watching and waiting is hard. But the fact is that so much good has happened in my life these last few months that there is no way I could possibly deny the Lord's hand in my life. And if I recognize His hand in my life I also have to trust His timing. Things will happen according to His timeline and not my own. I obviously still have things I need to learn and growing I need to do before this trial will be behind me.

Patience is a process. I am not always good at it. But I know that when I focus on gratitude and choose to see good in my circumstances, in those around me and in myself. I can't possibly expect others to focus on the good in me if I am not willing to see it myself.

God is good and with His help I CAN do this. One day at a time!

Milestones and Recognizing Progress

I realized this morning that today makes 3 months of new sobriety.  I had a hard time determining what to do with my sobriety number when all of the changes in my life happened a few months back.  It has been almost 8 months since I last had a serious relapse that led to me acting out.  For a long time I thought that meant this was my sobriety date.  I believed for many years that as long as I didn't completely act out that I was clean.  That was a huge obstacle in my recovery and created many of the problems I am currently battling. 

It took me a long time to realize that.  In fact for awhile I was doing a pretty good job of playing the victim when my wife first expressed to me how she was feeling.  There had been no new discovery or disclosure or "D-Day" as I have heard it called by some people.  That made it hard at first to really understand what was happening and why it was happening.  It was only after some true soul searching and some real honesty with myself that I started to understand a little bit.  It didn't need to be single significant event.  Rather it was years and years of build-up, half efforts and unresolved issues that weighed down on me, on my wife and on our marriage.  There were periods of sobriety and white-knuckling but never a true "progressive victory over lust" as described by Sexaholics Anonymous.  Progressive simply means improvement.  Are things getting better day by day, week by week.  Are habits beginning to change.  Is accountability growing?  Are trust and greater feelings of safety starting to grow and solidify?  All of these things would be signs of true progression.  And the reality is, for a very long time none of these things were really happening.

So I sat down one day and I decided to choose a new sobriety date.  I had a facilitator share with me once early on in recovery that the key to real change is valuing your recovery more than your sobriety.  He said that he tracked his sobriety but started over anytime there was the slightest hint of a slip or stumble.  Because that number wasn't what really mattered.  It was the change taking place in his heart that signified true recovery.  So with that in mind I sat down one night and I thought about myself and my life.  I tried to think of the furthest date back that I could be 100% sure that I hadn't given into lust or fantasy.  That I hadn't brought those feelings into my marriage, into my home.  It was hard but I wanted a number I could feel good about.  I ultimately settled on November 23rd 2014.  Now it's possible it could be more than that.  I just don't know.  And like that brother who was such an example to me, I want my recovery to mean more to me than my sobriety.  It has to, because that is how real change occurs.

Image Credit

As I look back at the last 3 months I can't help but be immensely grateful.  So much good has happened in my life.  The hand of the Lord is so evident in my life and and the lives of my family.  It is hard sometimes in the moment to see progress as it happens.  Especially when things seem particularly dark and hopeless.  One of the wonderful things about milestones isn't to gloat in the achievement but to look back with gratitude at the change the Lord is working in my life.  He wants me to be happy.  He wants me to be whole.  He wants me to understand how valuable and special I really am.  He is there.  He is always there.  His hand is always outstretched when I need someone to cling to, to comfort me, to hold my hand and hug me when I am down.  I matter to Him.  I will always matter to Him.  And as long as I remember that, I will always be okay. 

What Does It Really Mean to Love Someone?

Yesterday was Valentine's day.  Normally that would have been an exciting time for me.  For years Valentine's Day meant flowers, dinner, romance and of course, pretty much guaranteed sex.  I mean it was practically an obligation.  Everyone has sex on V-Day.  It's like a right of passage.  I thought that for a long time.  I didn't see anything wrong with it either.  I honestly thought that's what Valentine's Day was all about.  It feels a little hollow to type that all out now. 

I work in retail.  So for the past 7 days I spent huge portions of my life helping people find the right card, flowers and gifts for the one they love.  I saw giddy couples planning their dates and holding hands and walking through the store arm in arm.  It was an entire whirlwind of emotional triggers in a bright red Valentine's package.  It was really hard at at times.  On one level I enjoyed helping people make the holiday special.  But on another level it was one painful reminder after another that the one I love currently has little or no interest in being close to me on that level.  It caused a lot of angst and fear.  I did a pretty good job of surrendering it and discussing it with others but it was so constant and so immediate that it was hard to not get sucked in at times.

Ultimately Valentine's day ended up being pretty okay.  Knowing that Valentine's has been a huge trigger for her over the years, I actually surprised her a week before with some gifts and then got her flowers on Thursday.  I was very cautious to stay away from things that were outwardly "lovey dovey."  No red roses or cards dripping with I love you.  Not because I don't feel that way about my wife but because I am trying very hard to be sensitive to her feelings and triggers so I was trying to balance expressing the depth of my feelings without making things uncomfortable or triggery for her.  I also made a point to put a note in with the card explaining where I was coming from.  I was accountable for the way I acted on Valentine's Day in the past and explained that I was trying to learn from that and do things differently.  I think things turned out pretty well.  She seemed genuinely happy.  It felt good.  We also ended up spending some wonderful family time on Saturday evening.  It wasn't a romantic evening with flowers and soft music and there was zero physical contact of any kind and the whole family was involved not just the 2 of us.  But you know what, it was still pretty awesome. 

It made me reflect a lot about what love really is.  What does it really mean to love someone?  To be in love with someone?  Is it comfort, trust, appreciation, deep friendship,  physical intimacy?  Is it a balance of all of these?  And as I pondered this things I thought to myself, "I'll go find some amazing quote about love and post it and let that be my answer."  But that wouldn't be what I have learned about love.  It wouldn't be from me.  So here is what I believe love is and should be.  What pure and true love should look like.  This is what I want in my relationship.

Love requires understanding.  It means being willing to understand that the other person isn't having a great day but to love them anyway.  It means being willing to accept that they are processing something hard and need space but love them anyway.

Love requires respect.  It means being willing to respect that the other person is feeling things I don't understand and that maybe I even see differently but to love them anyway.  To try to understand their feelings and be sensitive and caring about them.  It means not only respecting her intelligence, her feelings and her ideas but also to respect her body.  It means to teach my children to respect her and to do so by example.  It means being the first one to stand up for her when someone else disrespects her.

Love requires patience.  It means being willing to serve and wait and hope and trust that there is a bright future ahead even if it doesn't feel like it today.  It means respecting boundaries with patience even if you don't understand them or like them a whole lot.  It means trusting the Lord to get both of us where we need to be on His timeline even if His timeline is different from my timeline and her timeline. 

Love requires support.  It means loving and caring about the things that are important to her simply because they are important to her.  Because if they are important to her it means they are part of her very being.  It means I can't truly love her or be in love with her without respecting and caring about things that are important to her.  It means being a support to her emotionally, temporally, physically.

Love requires openness.  Not just honestly about my struggles and fears but also just being open about where I am.  How I am feeling, how my day went.  It means being willing to share about my life with vulnerability and transparency. Trusting that doing so will not make me appear weak but rather will open me up to greater levels of connection and bonding.

Love requires work.  Cute little houses in the country and white picket fences require a lot of hard work.  Life and love are not a destination but a journey.  A journey with detours and wrong turns and lots and lots of potholes.  But it means being willing to not only weather the storm but have fun along the way.  It means being willing to do all the little things, the uncomfortable things, even when I am tired, stressed or just don't want to.  It means being willing to go the distance.

Love is a powerful thing, a hopeful thing, a healing thing.  It is a gift from God.  But it only truly exists when He is involved and at the helm. 

Journal: Choosing Gratitude

I really don't have a lot to say today.  Things are really going pretty well.  The last week has given me so many opportunities to choose gratitude and see the Lord's hand in my life.  I was able to give my son a Priesthood Blessing when he was sick.  That was a wonderful experience.  I could feel the Spirit as I laid my hands on his head and I truly knew that I was able to assist the Lord in blessing my son.  Then on Sunday I was able to sit and peacefully partake of the Sacrament and feel the Atonement wash over me.  I kind of built it up in my mind going in.  That it was going to be this incredible, powerful spiritual experience and the Spirit and the Atonement were going to envelop me and I was going to weep with joy and everyone in the room was going to bear witness of how worthy I was.  But it was actually quite simple and peaceful.  I just sat there silently, head bowed and expressing gratitude to my Savior for making it be possible for me to be worthy and feel worthy and know that it was what I should be doing.

Later I had the opportunity to bear witness and share my testimony of the Atonement.  Then shortly after I sat down I was listening to a young sister bear her testimony.  It was short and very humble.  She shared how not too long ago she didn't know that she was a daughter of God, that she didn't believe she was known to Him.  But she shared briefly her journey and how she had come to know that she is a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father.  And it was then, in hearing and feeling her humble testimony that the Spirit flowed over me and the peace truly set in.  I was so grateful to her for sharing her journey.  It was through her powerful witness and humility that I was able to find the peace that I had hoped for.  It was a powerful example to me of how the Lord often works through others to bless us when we are doing our best to seek after Him.

Things have also been amazing lately between my wife and I.  That doesn't mean things are 'fixed' or that I don't wonder sometimes if we are days, weeks or months away from some of the emotional and physical boundaries loosening up.  I'm human and so I do think about it at times.  But I no longer obsess.  I know that I am doing the things that I need to be doing and if that continues then progress will also continue.  I don't know what that will look like.  If it will be little by little or day by day, or if eventually an emotional dam will burst entirely.  But it honestly doesn't matter.  Because today we spent some amazing time together, we were connected on many levels and we both acknowledged and appreciated that.  I choose to be grateful for what I have today.

I have been doing a daily check-in with a group of recovery friends and the message I sent today was "Today I am choosing to be grateful, I am choosing to trust the Lord and I know that with His help, today can be wonderful."  I really believe that.

I forget sometimes how vital a role righteous agency plays in our lives.  If I choose something righteous and choose to include the Lord in that process, He will bless me.  The Lord wants us to use our agency.  That is why it is so vital a gift.  I think at times in my life I have waited for some sign or Heavenly appearance for the Lord to let me know when the time or circumstances or situation was right.  But all He really wanted was for me to righteously exercise my agency, to make a choice and work for it, to fight for it and when I am willing to do that, then the witness comes, then the blessings come.  I have to choose happiness.  I have to choose gratitude.  And when I choose those righteous endeavors, when I am willing to fight for them and make them a priority in my life, He will always support me.

God is good.  He loves me.  I am His son.  I am worthwhile.  I am valued.  I am true. 

Trials, Tender Mercies and Emotions... What does it all mean?

It's been an amazing but emotional few days.  First the wonderful news.  I met with my Stake President on Wednesday and I get to begin taking the sacrament again.  It was an amazing meeting with an amazing man.  He was encouraging, honest and real.  Yes, I am on the right path but I need to stay on it because there is still much to do.  Taking the sacrament and really truly being cleansed of the things I did in the past but had neglected to confess is such an amazing thought.  To think that as I partake this coming Sunday and feel the Atonement wash over me and cleanse me.  To know that the Lord has not only forgiven, but will forget the mistakes I have made.  It's such a powerful thought. 

There were also 2 major tender mercies that have happened lately.  First off.  We had to go into quite a bit of debt to make Christmas happen for our boys.  We were so desperate to make it wonderful because we didn't know if it would be the last one as a family and we were trying our best to hide the trauma and drama from our kids.  So we have been in a bit of a financial rut lately.  We have tried our best to pay our tithing and fast offerings these past couple months since Christmas even when we knew the money wouldn't stretch to cover everything.  So it was quite a pleasant surprise and an amazing tender mercy the other morning when we woke up and realized that there was an additional $600 in our bank account.  My wife was awarded an additional $600 in financial aid from school and her tuition and books were already bought and paid for so it just amounted to extra money.  I know it was a blessing from above.  The timing, the circumstances, the confirmation of the Spirit as I realized what was happening.  It was awesome.

Secondly, we are currently have a lease on our house until the end of March.  We knew moving was a probability but weren't overly focused on it.  For a time we weren't even sure if we would be moving together or if I would be getting a separate place.  So the other day the realtor that manages the house we lease called us out of the blue to ask about our long term plans.  The owners would like to put the house up for sale at the end of the lease but were hoping we would continue to live here so they could work towards selling it while still getting the monthly payments.  We weren't on board with that at all.  We don't want people traipsing through the house on a weekly basis and we certainly don't want to find out 3 months down the road that we have 3 weeks to vacate the premises.  So we went down today and met with her in person to discuss our options.  I went in thinking it was purely an exploratory meeting.  A "keep an eye out for places in the coming weeks" type of deal.  But the Lord had so much more in store for us.  While we were there she mentioned offhand that she has some family friends that have a rental house that will be open in early March.  They are LDS and would love a great family to live there.  They live 2 doors down so not only do they want someone to take care of their rental but they want good neighbors.  Upon discussion we find out that not only is the house only a few blocks away from our current place and in our same ward, but it was a house that we actually looked at last August when we first moved here and were interested in.  We passed at the time because they were still up in the air about selling and were only willing to offer a 6 month lease at best. 

So she picks up the phone and calls him while we are sitting in her office.  He immediately tells her on the phone that he knows who I am and that he has "heard good things about me."  Before we know it we have an afternoon appointment to meet them and discuss their house.  So we show up at their house and his wife knows our 4 year old, Aaron and my wife from primary but they haven't been at church lately because he was called to be the Branch President at the local jail.  We hit it off amazingly with them and connect on so many levels.  Before we know it they are overjoyed to offer us a 1 year lease with terms that will be perfect for us.  They are even willing to hold the house for a few weeks since our move out day at our current place is a few weeks off when their place becomes available.  Not only that but they are wonderful people. 

So all these chips are falling into place.  Our finances are shaping up, the Lord has provided us a beautiful home to move into where we can continue working with the same Bishop and Stake President and our boys will stay in the same ward, be close to their friends etc.  It all went down in less than 24 hours time.  A huge upcoming stress was just removed from my mind.  Factoring in the financial blessings and in less than 3 days time, 2 enormous issues were removed from my plate.  Undeniable, wonderful tender mercies from a loving Heavenly Father.

So why the emotional struggle?  Well for starters, Satan knows.  He knows things are evening out.  He knows bonds are forming.  He knows progress is being made and most importantly, he knows I have the opportunity to take the sacrament this week.  He wants to stop all those things from happening.  So what does he do?  He bombards my family with fear.  A few of the doozies I have had pop into my head in the last couple days?

• Why are you signing a 1 year lease when you have no idea if your wife will want to be with you in a year?
• How can you keep being open, honest and vulnerable when you aren't getting that same level of vulnerability in return? Your heart can only take so much?
• Isn't it perfect that the house has 5 bedrooms since your wife will never let you back into the bedroom with her?
• Isn't it going to suck when the ward comes over to help you move and all your stuff is in a separate room at your current place and then gets moved into a separate room at the new place?  What are they going to think of you? 

Fear sucks.  It really does.  It derails progress and creates anxiety that isn't real.  And for me, the best way to counteract it is to shout it from the rooftops.  When I break out of isolation and share my fears with the world, no matter how vulnerable or scary they might be, the power is gone.  Satan works in isolation.  When I break the isolation, I share the burden, I break the power.

So here is what I know about my current situation.

1. I am worthy the take the sacrament.  I worked through the process and I can now in full conscience take the sacrament and feel it cleanse me.  I get to start with a clean slate with my Heavenly Father on Sunday.
2. Enormous progress has been made in my family.  Love and trust is growing.  Happiness exists.  Bonds are being formed.
3. The Lord is mindful of the present and the future of my family.  He wouldn't be moving things into place for us to remain together if He didn't believe it was the right thing for us and if there wasn't hope for us. 
4. The Scriptures teach in Romans 8:28 that; And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God 

 All of these feelings, experiences and emotions are working together for my good.  That doesn't mean they aren't difficult and that the Lord's timeline and my wife's timeline might look different than mine.  It just means there is more to learn.  For all of us.  There is more opportunity for growth, more chances for gratitude and more time for eternal bonds of love to be nurtured. 

God is good.  Addiction sucks but God is better.  Marriage problems are hard but God is stronger.  Emotional days are draining but my Savior never get tired of sustaining me.  He is always the answer.  He is the great physician and there is no wound He can't heal.  I just have to get out of the way and let Him keep working on.

Hope Through the Book of Mormon

Anyone that has ever attended LDSARP for any length of time is probably familiar with the quote from President Packer that is found in Step 1;

“The study of the doctrines of the gospel will

improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior

will improve behavior. ... That is why we stress so

forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel”

I've read it probably dozens of times.  That's not an exaggeration.  And I have always believed it.  Yet I would constantly find myself trying to out-think or out-plan my addiction.  I never really submersed myself in the gospel.  I did some.  I have always enjoyed listening to General Conference talks.  But I would rarely dive into the Scriptures.  Especially the Book of Mormon.  Until recently, I honestly can't recall the last time I read it cover to cover.  But after things went down over the holidays I found myself constantly seeking peace.  I was desperate for it.  I prayed for it, I begged for it.  But it was hard to come by.  So in early December I met with my Stake President.  One of the things he counseled me to do was to not only study the scriptures and the words of the Prophets but to apply them in my life.  That obedience to their teachings would bring blessings and strength.  So I pondered that and it hit me.  There is probably no counsel that has given more by modern and ancient prophets  than this one;  STUDY THE BOOK OF MORMON!  It was written for this day and age.  It was written for us.  It was written for me.  

I remember a Stake President promising a few years back that if we read the Book of Mormon every single day our lives would change.  I even tried it for awhile, but it didn't last and it certainly wasn't every day.  I was never willing to do it every day.  I wasn't even willing to try.  That isn't to say I wasn't doing dailies.  Most days I was.  But for whatever reason, The Book of Mormon just wasn't a big part of it.  

So after meeting with my Stake President I made a commitment to read or listen to the Book of Mormon every single day.  And so it began.  In the early days I was amazed at the peace that would come.  I would sit on the couch or lay in bed, or even sit in my office at work.  Sometimes tears rolling down my face from the emotions I was struggling with, and I would read the Book of Mormon.  There were days that I would read 5, 10 even 20 chapters in a single day because it was the ONLY thing that brought me peace.  Eventually I just got into a nice little routine where I was listening to chapters on my phone at times and then reading more when I had spare time.  

I have always been a fairly quick reader and so 1 Nephi quickly became Mosiah and 4 Nephi.  I re-discovered all my heroes.   I was inspired by King Benjamin's humility and Ammon's courage.  I found hope in the change of heart of Alma the Younger and admired the leadership of Captain Moroni.  I wept with Mormon and struggled to comprehend the pain that Moroni must have experienced wandering the world alone after watching his people wiped from the face of the earth. 

I immersed myself in the Book of Mormon.  And I found hope.  The entire book is filled with knowledge and experience and life and trials.  But mostly it is filled with the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  And when I embrace the Gospel of Jesus Christ there is always hope.  Because He embodies hope.  His grace is the reason I have hope.  He is the reason I have hope.  

I finished the entire Book of Mormon a few days ago and I was so inspired after finishing, I shared my testimony publicly on Facebook and then you know what I did next?  I flipped back to 1 Nephi and I started all over again. 

The future is uncertain.  I have no idea what my life will look like in 3 months or a year.  But I do know this.  When I am obedient to generations worth of prophets, when I follow their counsel to study the scriptures and immerse myself in the Book of Mormon, my life will always be better.  Maybe not perfect, maybe not how I hope and dream it will be, but always better. 

What Dreams May Come

I can almost never remember my dreams.  I can sometimes remember fleeting details or ideas, but I have never been one of those people that can visualize and see my dreams the morning after.  I have often seen this as somewhat of a blessing in recovery.  Many addicts experience detailed user dreams where they watch themselves act out in their addiction or behave inappropriately.  I know that it can be a huge trigger when experienced.  I have had many people mention it to me over the years.

There have been times when I woke up extremely triggered that I assume I probably had a user dream but even then I was grateful that I don't actually know what thoughts were bouncing around my head that caused the triggers.  That is what made it so odd that I had such a vivid recollection of my dream the other night.

I dreamed that I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep and there was a knock at the door.  To my surprise it was Sidreis.  She asked if she could come in and I said 'sure'.  She walked over and laid down next to me and we watched TV together.  Eventually I drifted off to sleep.  There was no discussion or intimacy or even contact, at least not that I recall.  We just laid there and watched TV until I fell asleep.  That was the entire dream.

On one hand I was grateful.  I hope that it means the lust in my relationship is fading.  That I am starting to truly see her as a daughter of God and that my thoughts about her are pure and true.  But it was also hard.  Because that's the stuff I miss.  Just the closeness.  Being able to fall asleep knowing that she is by my side.  Knowing that I am an important part of her life.

It really made for a rough morning.  It took awhile before I could surrender it to God.  Because I LIKED the dream.  Not in a lustful or intimate way.  I just liked the feelings of closeness, even though I know they weren't real.  I longed for it.  But I am also grateful that I was able to surrender it to the Savior.  That was the key.  That is ALWAYS the key.  When the sacrament prayers bless us to "always remember Him", this is the essence of that concept.  I am learning more and more each day that the concept of surrender is nothing but a true internalization of steps 1, 2 and 3.

It's actually pretty simple once I get outside of my own head.

1.  I recognize I am feeling or experiencing something I am struggling to process or entirely unable to process.  It might be a trigger, an emotion, a lustful thought, etc.  I recognize that I cannot work through it on my own.  I recognize that I am powerless over it.

2.  This is the part I can get stuck on at times.  Because it's easy to get stuck in the feelings and emotions in the moment.  But eventually I have to recognize that there is someone out there who can take on these feelings and emotions.  Who can take them from me if I humble myself and offer them to Him.  That person is my Savior, Jesus Christ.  He who has felt, experienced and lived every emotion, pain or trigger I could ever go through.  He understands.  He can handle it.

3.  So I bow my head, or close my eyes or hit my knees depending on the situation and I humbly offer it to Him.  Every time I have been able to humbly reach this point, peace has come.  Every single time.  He always either takes the feelings, gives me strength to process the feelings, or guides me to a way out.  Typically the way out is a prompting to reach out to someone from my support system. 

I never really understood surrender until recently.  I always tried to battle my temptations and emotions with a toolbox.  I tried to out-plan them, out-think them or white-knuckle them.  But that never works.  NEVER.  I can never in a million years do this on my own.  I can't.  Trying over and over is what got me here.  And trust me.  I tried everything.  To-do lists, keeping myself hyper busy, working multiple programs, attending firesides, reading books, texting support people constantly throughout the day.  All of those things eventually fail.  There is only one source that will never fail and that is my Savior.  He will never fail.

It really is simple.

I can't.  God can.  I think I'll let Him.

I've heard it called the '3 step waltz', the process of surrender, the 'Atonement for Dummies'.  I've heard it called lots of names.  But no matter the name.  It works. 

30 meetings in 30 days: Learning Acceptance

So today was a very up and down day but it ended extremely well.  I feel like things have been amazing the past week or two between my wife and I and so I allowed myself to get a little anxious.  One of the most difficult aspects of our separation is the level of emotional disconnect that has occurred.  I feel at times like I have no idea what is going on in her heart and in her mind.  I wonder sometimes if there is still a place in her heart for me.  Some of these feelings and fears led to me breaking one of the rules I have set for myself in regards to our relationship.  Early on in this  separation process we were sending each other these massive emails and then avoiding each other when we were face to face.  It was confusing and hard.  So I committed to myself that any serious, heartfelt communication that I wanted to have with her would be face to face.  But I broke that rule today and sent a text asking her if reconciliation is something she has thought about.  If it is even on her radar or if we are still far away from that in her mind.

Predictably, it was not well received.  She felt pressured and wondered why I couldn't just be grateful for the growth we have had, which has indeed been considerable.  I started to feel my heart beat faster and wondered if I had undone any growth and goodwill that has occurred.  I was able to humbly bow my head and surrender my pain and fear to God and go home with a good attitude.  We ended up having some amazing family time and even some wonderful 1 on 1 time as a couple.  We went for a walk and looked at the stars and openly talked about things.  It was the conversation that should have happened rather than the one that happened via text.  The funny thing is, nothing really changed.  She is still in wait and see mode and I am still wondering what is going on in her head.  The difference is I am grateful for the chance I was given to have some wonderful time with the woman that I love.  I am no longer focused on what I don't have.  I am grateful for the relationship I do have.

So as I headed upstairs for the night I called into my nightly meeting.  Today was actually the 30th consecutive day that I have attended or called into some form of 12 Step Recovery meeting.  It has been an amazing boost to my recovery efforts and has allowed me to find serenity most nights that I call in.  I plan to continue to attend as many meetings as I possibly can because of the peace and hope I find there. 

Tonight was an SA meeting but we actually studied a section from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.  It was powerful and exactly what I needed to hear.  This is an excerpt from what was read and I feel like it was written for me;

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.  When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation---some fact of my life---unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.  Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.

In order for me to learn what I need to learn from this period of separation, I have to truly accept my circumstances.  I really believe that God is the engineer of my life and that I experience the trials and hurdles that I experience for a reason.  So if my separation has to continue for 3 days, 3 weeks or 3 months then obviously there is more than I need to learn from it.  There is more growth that needs to occur.  I trust that once I have learned the lessons and made the changes that God wants me to get from this experience then he will facilitate a new opportunity in my life, whatever that may be.  

I can't obsess about when that will happen or how that might look.  I can't obsess about if my wife ever thinks about holding my hand or misses having me run my fingers through her hair.  All those feelings do is question my circumstances and doubt that God put me into this situation for a reason.  I have to lean into the fear and embrace it.  I have to be grateful for the amazing things that are happening.  I have to keep working recovery and trust the rest to God.  It is the only path that will lead me to where I need to go.  It is the only way to find lasting hope. 

Tenuous Bonds

One of the most difficult aspects of recovery is recognizing how tenuous my bonds and relationships are with others, including with God. I can have a string of wonderful days when I feel close to God and close to those around me and then it can all vanish with one simple misunderstanding. I am striving to learn from these pit stops rather than let them derail me. One of the most powerful lessons I learned on my LDS mission was that I have a tendency to make mountains out of molehills. Life isn't perfect and I am not perfect either. Misunderstandings, frustrations, even arguments are part of life. I can either choose to learn from them and grow, or let them own my serenity and lead to slips and relapses.

I find much hope from a passage in the SA White Book which explains the difficult road that true recovery can be. After outlining the 12 Steps and the rigorous honesty and accountability that the program asks, the following passage explains the difficulties that one can encounter along the way;

"Many of us exclaimed, 'What an order! I can't go through with it.' No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection."

Recovery is a journey, not a destination.  I will have wonderful days and hard ones.  I will have days when I am connected to God and others the entire day and I will have days that I have to fight to break out of isolation.  And both scenarios are normal and okay.  I can't let every little pitfall fill me with despair and fear.  The only true path to growth is to work a step 10 at the end of the day and ask myself honestly how my day went.  

• What did I do well?  
• How was my relationship with God today?
• Did I do the things I need to do to develop that relationship today?  (Dailies) 
• How connected was I with my support system and my family today?
• Did I get outside myself and serve others today? 
• What struggles did I have today?  
• What can I learn from them?  
• Do I have any amends to make or any apologies to offer?  

If I can honestly ask myself these questions each day, or at least most days, then I will make progress.  Some days it may be hard to see but it will happen.   Bonds are rebuilt over time.  Experience by experience, hour by hour and day by day.  Each day that I strive to honestly work recovery and learn from my mistakes the relationships in my life and with my Heavenly Father will be strengthened.  I truly believe that.  I just have to trust the process and be patient.  That is why recovery only works one day at a time. 

Wanting or Willing?

I realized today that it has been exactly 8 weeks since I got on this crazy roller coaster of maybe divorce, definitely separation and hopefully redemption. But oddly enough it wasn't a painful realization. Today has been a good day. Really truly it has. I am finally getting over the cold that has dragged me down the last few days. I had an awesome talk with my wife last night. She said some hard things. But I am learning to appreciate honesty. I have really recognized that the biggest thing that has motivated me to truly change this time wasn't the fear of divorce or the emotional separation or even the physical separation of being in separate bedrooms. It was the honest expression of her pain. Awhile back after this all went down my wife wrote me an extremely honest and painful email. She explained later that it came from anger and she really didn't intend for me to see that side of her. But I needed it. For the first time ever I really internalized how much she has endured, how much she has suffered. And it broke me. I had to delete the email from my inbox because I kept going back and reading it over and over and feeling her pain again and again. It was more than I could bear. I can't begin to fathom what it must have been like for her all those years.

So in our talk last night one of the things she shared with me is that her hope right now is that I can get past the emotions of our current circumstances and just accept life as it is for right now so that hopefully some healing and connection can start to occur. But that to be perfectly frank, when I am moping and depressed about her choice to separate and set boundaries, she really has no desire to be around me. It wasn't fun to hear.

So after I went up to my room to call into my phone meeting for the night, first I called a good friend and talked for awhile. It was good to surrender some things and bounce some thoughts off someone. Then I called into my nightly recovery meeting and was able to honestly and openly share about where I am at. I have currently been to some form of 12 Step meeting be it an in person or a phone meeting for 23 consecutive days. It has had an amazing impact on my recovery. But after my call I started my nightly ritual to find an uplifting quote for a Facebook page and my wife and I run called Recovery Quotes where we shared uplifting, recovery based quotes for those who like our page. Usually I will post something impactful from my dailies or just search on a topic. But I felt inspired to do a search for quotes from 12 Step meetings. I came across one that spoke strait to my heart.

"Being 'willing' to do something is not the same as 'wanting' to."

While working the 12 Steps we are often counseled to become willing to do things. Become willing to abstain. Become willing to surrender your character weaknesses. I had never really thought much about the meaning or the wording. But when I thought about it, being willing means; "I can do this. It might be hard and it might not feel good but I can do it." It doesn't always mean 'I want to or, or I like it or it makes me feel good'. True change is hard. It takes sacrifice. It takes pain and sweat and tears. I don't want to be separated from my wife. I don't want her to cut me off emotionally and act like she doesn't care about me. I don't want it at all. But.... I can be willing to do whatever it takes to get better and help her heal. I can be willing to respect her boundaries so that she can feel safe and an environment can exist where we can connect. I can be willing to let go and trust God with the future and do what I can today to be a good father, a good husband and a good person.

Recovery is hard. I don't always want it. Some days I want to be whiny. I want to mope and feel sorry for myself and blame others. I don't always want to get outside myself and serve. I don't always want to give up my evenings to be on recovery calls and in recovery meetings. I don't always want to show the world all my scars and demons.

But I am willing to trust God and make decisions that will bring me closer to Him. And the more He is in my life, the more likely everything else will take care of itself.

A good friend and sponsor of mine sends me the same thing almost every time he texts me. It gives me a great deal of hope and perspective. Three simple words but so much power.

#OneMoreDay

One more day. That's all I have. It's all I can control. It is enough.